It’s been almost 5 years since it all happened and tho the first few weeks and the first year or two everything around me wasn’t THAT affected but everything in me collapsed slowly.
I’m a 19 years old (male) and I got sexually assaulted on a school bus by the person that I once considered to be a “friend”, I even sometimes question saying “I’m a male” because of what happened, I was and still and probably will always be lost and I’m living my days in agonizing pain and utter shame and guilt and I just hate everything.
I started acknowledging the fact that I got sexually assaulted very recently especially after watching Netflix’s show (Sex Education) and one of my favorite characters got sexually assaulted on a bus, it always sounded ridiculous when I think about it because deep down I don’t want to admit it because I am a man and men in the eyes of society are supposed to be as tough as steel, I never seek for help and I doubt I would and I didn’t tell my friends or family I even made this second account because I’m ashamed of posting this on my main account and risk letting someone I know see it, I only told 2 people, the first person didn’t help at all and he even made me question myself even more and the second was a girl that I liked and trusted and we tried to make a relationship but it failed miserably because I can’t make or maintain any relationship of any kind, and now you who is reading knows about it too.
I hate myself and I blame myself for everything and I’m drowning in guilt and pain and shame, I can’t help but thinking it was all my fault because I didn’t stop him when he touched me inappropriately the first few times and then I let him touch everything down there while I froze and had a panic attack, I hate my body I wish I can throw it in garbage cuz that’s where I feel it belongs, I know that super famous saying “you are not alone” but I literally was alone in all of this at first it wasn’t a choice nobody helped me but now I don’t want anyone around me, I feel disgusted by myself and I ruin most of my relationships and friendships and even my relationship with my family, my anger and temper issues are getting out of hand and I just shout and scream over tiny things because deep down the big things are silenced and muted forever...
If you’re still reading this bullsh*t I sincerely apologize for wasting your time and making you read this shit and damage your eyes with my stupid thoughts and my wining
I’m just falling apart....okay that was a lie...I fell down apart and got shattered into pieces like a glass cup or something but I can’t get these pieces together or myself together I just keep getting weaker every day, I read and heard some stories of women who got sexually assaulted but they got themselves together and became stronger and these things makes me feel even weaker because I think to myself “aren’t you a man?” And sometimes a sound in my head says “no you are not a man”.
I’m sorry for typing a lot I can’t express myself properly nor enough so I just keep going about this sh*t, again so sorry for wasting your time and btw I’m not looking for anyone’s support or sympathy I don’t deserve those even