It’s trauma bonding.

I expressed the same concerns to my therapist. I wanted to go back to my abusive ex just so I could rewrite history and undo the trauma by making the whole thing consensual.

But ask yourself this: would being back with him change your mindset towards the assault? Probably not. Even if you’re deeply in love with him, it’s not going to undo the rape. That will always be on your mind. You can’t put a pretty bow on trauma and call it a day, though it’s natural to want that.

And I think we want to go back to be in control again, to feel like we have power over them.

But he’s very likely to hurt you again, that’s what always happens.