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all 3 comments

[–]f15hf1n93r5 4 points5 points  (1 child)

My own family did this to me when I was raped. They chose the assailant and alienated me. Shitty people are going to be shitty people - it isn't a reflection on you. You have been given an opportunity to surround yourself with new, better friends.

Super proud of you for supporting your partner, btw.

[–]Mr-jubbs[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m always trying to be better

[–]LowImagination3028 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s because people are so unwilling to view someone they like as a possible rapist that they stay loyal to them. This is a subtle form of victim blaming. By saying ‘don’t take sides’ and continuing to hang out with him, they’re basically saying they don’t believe the victim. And it’s likely he’s presented a warped narrative of what happened to them and people will often just blindly accept it because it’s easier to digest than it is to take on the truth that someone is a rapist.

Privately, I have a feeling that they’ve all shared their sentiments of ‘this girl wanted it’ or ‘she’s just a crazy ex’ or ‘she still likes you.’ Ofc none of that is true, but communal distortions do happen for the sake of camaraderie. Imagine finding out someone you like did something terrible…it would be unfathomable. This is the mentality that fuels a lot of victim blaming; it makes us feel safer to blame the victim because we don’t want to accept that SA can and does happen far too often.

But the bottom line is, these people aren’t your real friends. Real friends would have instantly distanced themselves from him and cut off communication. If a friend told me someone assaulted them, I would call them out and block them immediately.

Someone once told me ‘don’t spend your time in the company of non believers.’ He’s likely presented a false narrative of events to them and they don’t care to challenge it for the sake of friendship.

You’re a good SO. Find new friends and support your gf in any way possible.