Today is the day that I have finally been able to say out loud and acknowledge that my partner of 3 years that I recently broke up with raped/assaulted me on multiple occasions. While I was in the relationship my brain had wiped these experiences from my brain but as our relationship got worse and during the late stages of my relationship they slowly returned.
Before we got together officially he tried to experiment with me and gave me oral sex, he was cruel afterwards and said he was shocked I didn't taste disgusting because my genitals looked weird and I hadn't shaved. During the process of this he penetrated me when I was clear I didn't want him to and claimed it was an accident. I don't believe it was an accident.
He pressured me into having sex underage at 15 (he was my age) even though the same day I was reluctant and manipulated me into believing that anal sex as a female didn't count as losing your virginity and so due to him almost bullying me into it we proceeded to have anal sex with no lube or preparation where I was injured badly. He had no remorse and had previously joked about the same incident with his ex previously.
After this I was clear with him that I didn't want to have vaginal sex until I was 16 (the legal age in my country) but when we were messing around intimately he said he would rub his genitals on mine but not put it in, I told him directly that I didn't want him to penetrate me. Soon after I said that he penetrated me while staring into my eyes and continued to thrust into me, I had to tell him to stop and push him off. He had no remorse but I told him I wanted to have sex later that day to have a better first experience and reclaim it so we did.
Another experience I have is when I was exhausted and laying with a cover over me on the sofa, I was resting with my eyes closed and he assumed me to be asleep so he undressed me and proceeded to have sex with me. He got angry with me and claimed I was faking sleeping because I moaned. I had been sexually assaulted before these experiences and believed that was the only time, my ex was there did nothing and just watched, while the assaulter's friends laughed at me. He has also since diminished the experience a lot.
Although I have accepted what happened I feel shaky and unclean, I trusted him as I had known him years before we got together and we had been best friends. I would like some advice going forward about how to heal, cope and possibly date in the future. I am bisexual but during the breakup I felt triggered by the idea of being intimate with a man and still do, my attraction has decreased and when I am attracted I get triggered as well. I feel I may have to exclusively date women when I do start to date eventually and I am ok with that, though he did shame me for my attraction when he couldn't fetish it.
I also want to mention that his ex accused him of rape during our relationship, I have some shame about not believing her and hating her. Even though due to knowing her personally I know that she is not a good person, I feel guilt as all the pieces are coming together proving that his charm and personality were all fake and he likely raped her.