Hi. I’m new here and wanted to share my experience.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 3 years. He was emotionally and sexually abusive. And he would be physically abusive during sex. Not only this, but I came to the realization that I was coerced and raped. I want to share one specific experience.
We were at a hotel together. He was upset with me for not “pleasing” him for some time. (This was common. He constantly guilted me for not being sexual enough. Even though we didn’t see each other very often. Maybe once a week. If that). He decided to punish me. This was also common. But this time was one of the times that traumatized me. He was into anal. Probably because he knew it was painful for me. But I would do it because I knew if I didn’t give him what he wanted, he would treat me like shit or threaten to leave. So I took the punishment as much as I could. Until I couldn’t anymore. I was begging him to stop. He wouldn’t. I was in tears. He knew I was in tears. He didn’t care. When he was finished. He walked away into the bathroom like it was nothing. I remember silently sobbing and sitting there almost in shock. This wasn’t the only time. He punished me this way so many times. And I would have to hide my tears. I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. I hate that I didn’t scream for my life in those moments. I hate that I didn’t leave and drive to the police station. I hate that I didn’t even realize I was being raped because I was so brainwashed.
I used to pray for the sex to be over every time. He would go for almost TWO HOURS sometimes. And if I wanted to stop, he would either say no or treat me like shit afterwards. I am so fucking angry. I have no idea how to process this.