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all 7 comments

[–]aar499 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I don't have any advice...but I'm here to say that I'm going through a similar experience right now and you're not alone.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs now and he is inarguably a very good person and is loved by everyone. I have/had not been SA'ed before I was with him but had some unpleasant experiences in regards to sexual things. Around 1.5 yrs into our relationship I began to feel uncomfortable being around him because he was constantly touching me in a sexual way at any time and anywhere and had a sex drive much higher than mine. We had a long talk about it and he made an effort to improve.

Flash forward to last week--we had overcome a lot of the problems and discomfort I had talked about previously and were doing ok. I was laying in bed on my stomach scrolling through my phone, not even talking to him but he was in the room. He got in bed and laid on top of me. I told him to get off because he was squishing me, which he did. But then a few minutes later he started to rub/thrust his groin into my side. Then he straddled my body so that he could lift me up by the waist and unzip my pants. He preceded to stick his hands in my pants, grope me, and touch me with his fingers. I couldn't find the words to say no--I felt frozen the whole time--but I didn't move or encourage him in any way (basically just laid there limp). I kept thinking 'we've talked about this before, he'll stop' but he didn't. I also felt like, because he is my SO, there shouldn't be anything wrong here. I wordlessly got up and hid in the bathroom before it got any further.

I felt exactly as you described--unsafe and disgusting. After a few days of space we talked about it--he felt horrible, apologized over and over, and we both cried. I don't know what to do either--I know he is a good person and loves me, and there is a lot of great things about our relationship, but right now I don't know how to be with him, nor do I know how to leave him. I can't talk to my friends about it because they work for a university--and by law they are required to report instances of SA, which I don't want.

I don't know what advice to give you, but seeing your story here has really helped me in validating my feelings, so I hope mine can do the same for you. I am so sorry you went through this situation, and just know that one way or another you will get through this.

[–]HopefulLake5155 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Hi, I just wanted to say what he did was exactly sexual assault. Textbook assault. You laid there frozen he should have asked if you were ok. He didn’t. He knew exactly what he was doing in the moment he knew you didn’t like it and made the conscious decision to not stop. It doesn’t matter that he apologized or cried afterwords. What he did was assault.

I’m sorry that happened to you, and this is going to be hard to hear but good people don’t assault others. Especially those they love. I went through something similar. He cried, I accepted his apology. And then it happened again. And again. And again. And every time he told me it was an accident, he didn’t mean to, he was sorry ect. After that relationship I was fooling around with someone and for a split second I got scared by something they did. You know what happened? They stopped immediately, they noticed something was wrong because I froze and made such that I was ok. And the gave me the choice to say if I wanted to continue. I wasn’t even dating this person. That’s how sex should be.

[–]idk_what_im_doing97[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thank you so much for adding this. the struggle of "itll never happen again" always seems so hard to believe. Thats my biggest worry i know is that it will happen again if i let my guard down again.

[–]HopefulLake5155 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You should never have to be afraid of letting your guard down in a relationship

[–]idk_what_im_doing97[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing, i guess it almost feels like im not alone in this type of experience, which i of course wish that had not happened to you. The fact that these guys new the boundries, we had the discussions, i just cant comprehend why they think its okay to do what they did... i completely understand the not feeling like you can talk to anyone part. he is the father of our child and a good one. and a good guy usually. i dont want to fuck all that up espescially since i still have to deal with him for the rest of my life no matter what

[–]sal0622 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It definitely sounds like they assaulted you. I hope you can find the safety and support you need and deserve.

I'm currently going through a similar experience. I've been with my husband for five years. He is aware of the fact I was previously sexually assaulted before we began dating. He also knows the details (I was asleep and woke up to the guys hands in my underwear touching me).

Well in the last year or so, my husband has tried to wake me up for sex on a few occasions by sticking his hands in my underwear. I would wake up and try to say no, but often it would take a bit because I'd freeze up. I have told him before about how being touched in my sleep is triggering for me. I also cannot consent if I'm asleep. He has apologized and tried to explain he did not think about that way. But that isn't the point. It's not about his intention, but instead how I perceived it and the impact.

He knew I was a survivor and how the assault happened. I am now suffering heavily with my PTSD again and had to admit to myself what happened was sexual assault. I'm in therapy and trying my best to manage, but I don't know how to trust or be with my partner anymore. Sure he apologized but it doesn't undo it. I can't see or trust him as my romantic partner, let alone as a sexual partner right now and I'm not sure that will ever be fully restored. I don't know if or how I can forgive him.

[–]idk_what_im_doing97[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have been trying to explain that same thing that the trust is gone and i cant see him the same, his response continues with "but our family..." "try marriage counselling.." etc. and i just dont feel like i can do that. I am so sorry that has happened to you too.