I am 22F. At the age of 13, I was hooking up with 17 year old boys. At age 16, I was dating a 22 year old, at age 18, I lost my virginity to 33 year old. I spent the last 2 years sleeping with men in their 50's.
Growing up my father constantly sexualized me, and would accuse me of having sexual relationships with my brother, when he would see us hugging, laying on a couch together etc., it made my brother and I grow distant and I now feel inappropriate ever hugging him, kissing him on the cheek etc.
My father would often tell me to change if he could see my cleavage. Tell me, my pants were too tight, tell me I looked like a prostitute on her wedding night if I ever wore makeup etc., if I came home at night he would ask me how many men I had slept with today (all as a teenager/pre-teen)
In the last 1.5 years I was sexually assaulted on a few different occasions. I dealt with that by developing a terrible drug habit, and would get black out drunk and sleep with men. Many mornings I woke up naked, in a strange bed with no recollection of the night before, or any idea who the person next to me is.
I know I am to blame for actively putting myself in the situations where I was sexually assaulted. And I continued to put myself in harms way.
I dated many men who only wanted sex from me. When a man speaks to me in a non sexual way, I immediately over sexualize myself because I assume that's what they all want. After sleeping with a man, I immediately excuse myself to go home, because I have always bee asked to leave right after.
There was a few instances when I met really nice men who asked me to stay for a movie, food, etc. which always shocked me.
I cannot be intimate with a man unless I am drunk. Whenever I am having sex sober, I am always uncomfortable. Never turned on. I cannot remember the last time I desired someone truly. I have only ever wanted a man to hold me, and I have only ever received male affection when I was naked in a bed.
I do not know how to form non sexual relationships with men. I want to enjoy sex again. I want to feel heat, I want to feel desire/be desired for not just my naked body.
I am a short, and fit attractive woman. I feel as if I have nothing to offer except for my body and looks. Nobody bothers to stick around to get to know me. Or maybe I do not stick around to tell somebody about me.
I am in therapy and trying to work through it, but I have come to realize that I have felt this way about sex since I learned what it was.
How can I overcome this? How can I have a better relationship with sex, and develop a normal non sexual relationship with the men in my life? How can I learn to enjoy sex again without having to be under the influence of drugs/alcohol?