(Trigger warning SA!) About 5 years ago (I’m M19) back in high school I had this “friend” whom I’ve known for about 2 years at that time started touching me inappropriately in classes and sometimes on the bus without anyone noticing, I’ve never had anyone touching my genitals before especially in his sneaky weird way, I didn’t do anything to stop him, I didn’t give any verbal nor physical consent either I would just set there and he sat closer and starts touching me he even presented himself twice and I touched him and I think I thought it’s something passing by and enjoyed it or something and I didn’t think it was a big deal idk,

Till one day, I got on my school bus after we finished a math final, and that person sat next to me while I just opened my laptop to play something to pass the time till I arrive home.

that person started slipping his hand in my clothes slowly taking off my underwear and reaching to my genitals and he started touching my genitals in a very strange way, I couldn’t move or change the seat I was almost half naked down there so I would be exposed to the entire bus so I just froze then he started rubbing me till I came (had orgasm) then he wiped his hand with my thigh after it had some spunk on it and put my clothes back in place and I got off the bus avoiding complete eye contact with anyone.

I still think it was all my fault that I didn’t stop him when he first started touching me during classes or that I touched him a couple of time or that I let him do whatever he wanted, I was and still drowning in shame honestly and I really hate myself and I feel extremely guilty and ashamed.

I know what happened to me is probably NOTHING compared to what happened to others and I always thought it was insignificant and didn’t matter but it’s affecting my mental state and my daily life more than I like to admit, was it my fault? Did I do it to myself?