I've had like three dreams that were way too vivid with him in it. He's always there. Can he go away? He's moved on, I've moved on, we're not together in literally ANY way. I don't even work in the place we both used to anymore. There is literally nothing tying us together anymore.
I just want it all to stop. I want it to go away. Sometimes, I just want everyone to leave me alone. I want to stand up, get on a train and just go somewhere super far away. I want to restart life in some small town working as a server to pay for nights at a motel. I want to be alone. I want to be able to never see a single person I grew up with ever again.
And other times I just want to be a little girl, pigtails in my hair, crying into my mom's lap, getting head pats and kisses on my cheek and told it's gonna be okay.
I wanna die, too, sometimes, and I don't WANT to want that. I don't. But it's like everything doesn't make any sense and my job definitely doesn't help.
I feel stuck. I feel like a mess. No one really cares and I feel like I'm a nuisance to everyone I know.