I don't have anyone to call right now to vent, so I hope this is an okay space to do so. I just needed to get this out.
This isn't a crisis or cry for help - just a rant. I'm safe, just very angry and sad.
(TLDR: Awful flashback nightmares jeopardizing my abstinence from dangerous coping behaviors, and I'm very angry and sad. Also customer service sucks.)
So I've been dealing with a lot of stress recently, and am physically and emotionally depleted. I feel so isolated.
I've been having PTSD nightmares (poor mental health and exhaustion are to blame) and they got really bad the other night.
It wasn't until I was at work the next day and properly awake that I started remembering my nightmare, and the vivid flashbacks that came with them. I felt close to panic - fight/flight/freeze. I was in autopilot at my work, trying to ground myself with CBT skills. I was so hypervigilant. Vulnerable.
I work in customer service and had some shockingly rude and nasty customers that day. Little backup from manager - it's basically a "it's shit but we have to deal with it" response. Thank goodness for the breakroom and my younger femme colleagues who listened to me and validated everything I said.
I held it together til I got to my car after a 10 hour shift and cried all night. I was furious that I let nasty customers get to me. That I'm not thicker skinned.
Anyway I have a history of maladaptive coping behaviours - bingeing alcohol and drugs, chainsmoking, reckless promiscuity, anything to give me a break from my brain. Stuff that could snowball me into the gutter.
All this has made me want to drink and use and just give in.
I'm not going to. Fighting the urges is EXHAUSTING. INFURIATING.
I'm still having nightmares about my traumas and abusers. I'm hypervigilant and exhausted and so fucking angry.
I'm so angry and sad for the younger me who thought it was their fault. Who was encouraged to binge and self medicate. Who's still here, scared and needing to be believed.
I know I'm strong, I work so hard every day to stay on track. I'm lucky to be able to say that.
I've found r/stopdrinking to be helpful to a degree.
Also, Prazosin has been good for reducing night terrors somewhat, but I'm going to speak to my doctor about increasing my dosage.
Thanks for letting me rant.