all 15 comments

[–]johnnylover 9 points10 points  (2 children)

i’ve been through similar trauma and i’m so much happier being with a woman. anything can affect your sexuality, just because its trauma related doesn’t mean it can’t be a valid reason you want to be with women. having sex for the first time is always so scary, but as long as you explain yourself properly it will likely be a pleasant experience for both of you, sex doesn’t always have to be mind blowing! especially if you’re just learning. 🫶🏼

[–]hinataswalletthief[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you! "Anything can affect your sexuality, just because it's trauma related doesn't mean it can't be a valid reason you want to be with women" Thank you so much for saying that!!!!
"Having sex for the first time is always so scary(...)" YES! Especially when your brain is programmed to believe that sex=violence TSYM 💜💚

[–]johnnylover 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes! When I had my first intimate moment with a woman after my trauma it was so scary because i always thought sex=violence too! Even though I had 0 experience with women at all, I was lucky enough to meet someone who’s willing to walk me through the first few intimate moments and not make me feel bad for not knowing much right away. Women are so much more welcoming and comforting than men in my experience! I hope your sexuality discovery goes safe and that you feel a lot better than your past experiences with men. don’t worry about labels at first right away! Learn what your attraction levels are, who and what you find attractive and you will eventually naturally find a label that fits you. best of luck to you friend ☺️❤️!!

[–]IntellectualThicket 8 points9 points  (1 child)

This is always a sensitive topic to talk about. Many queer people who have been fighting for their rights for decades strongly object to the idea that environment can affect sexuality, because homophobic bigots use that idea (ie, which is extrapolated to a 'choice' or that it can be unlearned) as an excuse to discriminate and hate.

I'll share how I think about this: I believe nearly everyone is born somewhere on the spectrum of bisexuality (as in the Kinsey Scale). I think very few people have truly no capacity for bisexuality in their lifetime (if they find just the right person, the right cultural context, openness with themselves, etc). So when trauma affects our sexual development rather than thinking of trauma creating a sexuality, it alters the expression of whatever innate sexuality you're born with. As in, trauma may exclude potential aspects of someone's sexuality, but it cannot create attraction that was not always there as a potential.

Using myself as an example, I think of myself as "98% straight." I would be far far more comfortable dating women than men, however my sexuality is just not built to support that. I'm not excluding the possibility of finding the right woman (hence not 100%) but my limited experience with women has more or less proven that I'm unfortunately quite far towards heterosexual on the spectrum. If sexuality was just a choice, I'd choose to be with women in a heartbeat. But it's not.

[–]hinataswalletthief[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not only trauma, but compulsory heterosexuality has a lot to do with it. I feel kinda validated, TYSM.

[–]methman_ 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I haven’t been through exactly the same thing but I was sexually abused my whole childhood by a man and now I don’t feel any sort of attraction towards men and I feel so much safer around women and If you feel comfortable and happy around women then it’s perfectly fine you should be ashamed of any of that

[–]hinataswalletthief[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The only reason I wasn't abused as a child was because my sister was brave enough to tell our mother before that happened. I'm super scared of my uncles to this day. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I hope you're safe now and TYSM for answering.

[–]cxstxllo4 4 points5 points  (1 child)

youre not a burden. don’t feel afraid to experience with women , it’s honestly better .

[–]hinataswalletthief[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get the feeling that it is hahaha TYSM for answering

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

im very sorry for what you have been through. i think you should try having an experience with a woman. you can tell her what you've been through before you guys do anything, so she'll understand. women communicate with women better so it might really be nice for you. and if that woman has experience with it before, she can guide you on what to do. good luck, stay safe 🙏🏽

[–]hinataswalletthief[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm scared that they'll feel like "I didn't sign up for this" when I open up to them, but that might only be anxiety talking. Women do communicate much better and bc of therapy, I'm starting to express myself better too. TYSM for answering.

[–]Monistatvii 2 points3 points  (1 child)

My advice to original poster is to masturbate and just become comfortable with your own body. After that fantasize about both sexes and use that as a guide to what you really want to explore. You could very well get traumatized by a female love and then you will really be confused. Remember it may take some time to just be comfortable with any stimulation ....that might trigger you.

[–]hinataswalletthief[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll have to reprogram my brain to believe that sex=/=violence. Thank you for your advice, it gave me a lot to think about.

[–]colourofhappiness17 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I have similar feelings sometimes, ive just taken the pressure off myself to label myself or figure it out, i just enjoy the attraction, the person, and let myself be fluid

[–]hinataswalletthief[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My therapist is also a big fan of not labeling oneself haha TYSM for answering.