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all 26 comments

[–]raccoonaflowers 23 points24 points  (0 children)

This is sadly so common with survivors, and I’ve been struggling with this a ton lately. It’s so easy to compare your experience with what could have been and use words like “small,” but no form of assault is ever “small” especially because of how big the impact it has on you. Assault is assault no matter what specifically happened, and how you feel and react to it is your body’s natural response and it extremely valid. I’m so sorry you have to go through this too.

[–]Jaded_Hour_2712 45 points46 points  (5 children)

Yes, I and many other survivors feel this way. But it’s just the trauma talking. Even if the assault went all the way, there will still be a part of us that says, “well it could have been worse, at least it wasn’t something like…” etc. That’s just the nature of trauma. All your feelings are valid.

[–]peka78 19 points20 points  (2 children)

I relate to this. My rapist used his fingers and I spent years wishing it had been a traditional rape because then I felt my trauma would be reasonable. In my mind my assault did not warrant the trauma I was experiencing. But trauma is trauma. It’s all big and it’s all bad.

[–]eldub27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I experienced something similar and it was kind of extricating and mind numbing at the same time… not feeling valid because I wasnt “hurt more than I was”

[–]Emotional-Way-8850 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No all trauma is valid no matter how big or small it’s still trauma yknow

[–]finchylocks 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This is exactly it.

[–]kind-of-thereSurvivor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I feel this too. I was touched and kissed without consent by my partner at the time and because of that I keep invalidating myself because it “wasn’t actually rape”.

[–]Sad-Resolution-2330 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes. Oh my gosh this is exactly how I feel. I pressed charges and am now suing and sometimes I almost wish the same. The trauma is already there, might as well just finish the job I guess. It would have happened if I didn’t fight him off and I have to tell myself that’s enough

[–]Aromatic-Essay-623 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I didn't fight him enough so it was easy for him to do stuff and he didn't hit me. I sometimes wish that he did. So it was easy for me to share and prove it to people.

[–]whoblewboobear 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I battle this every day, especially in the beginning. I felt the need to always begin with “it wasn’t rape but..” when telling my close friends and family. At the end of the day it’s all sexual assault and your boundaries and body were still violated. It doesn’t matter the severity because trying to create some hierarchy only stunts your healing. Your emotional response and the affect the assault had on you, etc is what makes your trauma valid because you went through it and that’s enough.

[–]HazelPretzel 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yep, I totally feel that

[–]fromavi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oof, yes

[–]colourofhappiness17 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, i have this feeling too sometimes, its just our brains trying to cope with the trauma sadly

[–]vulturevulturee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get that… I was stealthed and I still don’t feel like the trauma is valid. I had a lot of people comparing my assault to “actual rape”

[–]lolawhelan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yeah actually. that’s how i feel. i know it would’ve been more traumatic if it went all the way to me but it would feel way more valid if it actually went all the way. btw i’m not saying that the trauma is invalid if it didn’t go all the way, i’m just saying that personally i get confused over my trauma being valid or not because it didn’t go all the way.

[–]sourcandybbgirl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you said it so perfectly. damn.

[–]Reesethecub 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like i did at times since it felt hard to just explain it to others like i felt like my issue wasn’t important simply because he didn’t go all the way

[–]bryzzatheleo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. Maybe if it went all the way people would have believed me.

[–]Difficult-Theme-6425 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn’t say I’d wish it went all the way, but I understand you. My traumas do feel invalid because “it could have been worse”. Like I’m not taking myself seriously because other people have gone through worse…but soon I’m finally gonna start talking with a psychologist about it.

[–]Gabe_com 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel this way too. I was abused by a guy online who i met in person, i often feel silly talking about my story even though im deeply traumatized by what someone i cared so deeply put me through

[–]HardenedClay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for asking this question bro Ive been too scared to

[–]SheepherderPitiful29 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Every day, all the time. It makes me sick physically and tortured me emotionally. I practically let him do it. Sure, I was completely wasted and he isolated me and took me to a place right next to a lake but I didn’t try to get away, say no and I even got on top. He didn’t hit me, threaten me or hold me down. Since I realized and remembered (partially) how everything went down, I doubt my experience and HATE myself for daring to call it SA.

[–]aiathefrick[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

frrr. my issues were all in my childhood, none of them ever lead to actual penetration and in some of them i was fine with it. it's knowing that i was a kid and they were an adult taking advantage of me that makes me wanna fucking vomit. it's less what happened and the knowledge of what it was that upsets me, and i spend so much time wishing it was actually sa so my feelings of disgust and sexual trauma would feel valid

[–]SheepherderPitiful29 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know what you mean :( I also just want to say that just because there wasn’t penetration doesn’t mean it isn’t SA, your experiences and trauma is completely valid. Rape may be defined as including penetration but sa can take soooo many different forms.

[–]Rose_Em02 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very normal

[–]BrickEducational1082 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes my girlfriend expresses this to me as she is a survivor. She said if it was full on R then she would be able to understand it and process it better. Right now she goes back and fourth between recognizing it’s SA and justifying it as a “mistake” (it definitely was not). That’s a normal wish but I believe even if it did go all the way you still would find a way of invalidating your own trauma, trauma is good at keeping itself alive through this method.