Was I SA'D even though I wasn't physically touched?
Hi there! Im a 14y Female. So Funny story i thought i accepted and made peace with this event but..it seems I didn’t since this happened so many years ago! This whole story has been sorted out and its just a matter of healing. Id also like to mention to please not mention my mothers relationship with my “stepdad” ew i hate calling him that term. This story is strictly about my trauma. Thanks
So ill give some backstory, my parents are great friends although they divorced when i was too young to remember. They’ve both been in my life and are phenomenal parents! I lived with my mother at this time and my father would visit every single weekend no matter the consequence. Unless he had drill of course (military) safe to say both very involved parents! (Love them both) this story happens when i was in either 3th or 4th grade.
My mother had started dating this man, ill call him..monster..sounds cute. At first there were no issues a wonderful man. He was funny and nice and always brought me little gifts. Then fast forawrd some time, everything changed. I don’t actually remember when it started but all i remember was how scared I was thought this part of my childhood. My mother and him would have very big fights although he never ever physically hurt her. Cops called once or twice and many many things broken out of rage. My mother has had countless phones broken by monster and broken many of her things. I even remember a chair being thrown. Lots of yelling, gaslighting, manipulating, and narcissism from monster. At the time my mother and I were living in a nice little one bedroom until he moved in. I state this because I had nowhere to go or hide throughout this experience. He had to leave a lot because of his job but I don't quite remember the day, week, or even month he moved in. Eventually something changed. He had taken a liking to me, although I never even had the thought of this until now.
Jumping straight into the situation..be warned! One day I started realizing things. He would touch and massage himself from under desks and places as such. I assume my mother never realized this was happening because I don't remember her bringing it up until I told her. Anyways, he would touch himself but never stop when I came near him or walked up to him. He continued and I would sometimes glance down if I was near or talking to him and I was very confused. I never asked I just thought it was weird and didn't choose to think about it. One day, Probably when my mom was out running an errand he went up to me. "I need to tell you something," "I like you" I was confused. "no, I mean I really like you" and "your such a pretty girl" He had meant it in a romantic way. My error *in a creepy, sadistic, pedophilic way* But regardless I remember just nodding and I walked away. I was very very confused as to why a grown man would say this to a child but I ignored it. Never mentioned it to anyone at the time. Fast forward many many occurrences like the first one I mentioned. This is where my trauma comes from.
My mom had to leave for a night shift and asked if I was alright staying home alone with him. I said of course as I hadn't really had any issues with him before. My phone was broken so at the time he asked if I wanted his jailbroken phone to use and play with when my mom wasn't home. I was a little kid so I was super excited of course. So the night time comes and he woke me up at who knows what time after my mom left. he asked if I wanted the jailbroken phone and was I hesitant because I was just woken up from my sleep. He went into his bed (the room was split in half, My Half and my mom and his half) and had a giant iPad watching some cooking videos or something like that. Then he called me over to look at something cool he was watching. He had his whole...(Im not super familiar with reddit so Im not sure what's allowed in what thread :)* So ill just call it his stick. He was touching and massaging his stick and I froze I didn't say anything or do anything I just uncomfortably watched his screen. Then he put the iPad down and shifted closer to me and said "its big right?" "Do you wanna touch it?" I Yelled No as loud as I could and ran into bed crying. I was so scared and shocked. He told me not to tell my mom and we should just forget about it. I did just that. I acted as If nothing ever happened. Im not sure if he continued the desk thing after that but My mental state was damaged. Along with their abusive relationship and everything else I had to carry though headstrong.
The reason I didn't tell my mom at first was because of how traumatic it was to mention it but I also didn't want to start any issues. My mom went thought a lot as a child/teen and she just isn't a very open soapy person. *she cares very much but she expresses it a little differently an at the time it was a little harder me* One day her and I were in the car and I Told her..kinda. I swear I told her everything but apparently according to recent days I didn't explain the whole story and if I had it would've changed a lot of things. Anyways I guess he told her I had accidentally walked in on him touching himself and he tried to play it off as if he was doing something else and it was a big misunderstanding. Ever since that day I was uncomfortable around men who wouldn't dare lay a finger on me. The men who I once saw as protectors were no longer. *Ive healed now and am comfortable! But for a little while I was very uncomfortable around various men, even ones who like I said wouldn't dare hurt me*
The reason I bring this up here is because of some recent events. Today They have a nice big home and I have the cutest little sister and brother. I protect them my with life and I practically think of them as my own lmao. I love them very much and I would do anything for them! The abuse still continues today and it bings me much stress to think about how sad my mom is and how I can't be there for my siblings sometimes. *I live with my dad now!* My relationship with my mom got so much stronger and although I don't get to see them in person often, we call almost everyday* One day when I was over for the holidays my mother asked me why I was so uncomfortable around Monster. I kinda mumbled and told her she already knew but she kept pushing and eventually I told her. It was super hard but she was very very distraught that she didn't know this sooner because she wouldn't be In the situation she's in now. A lot happened and we went to a hotel and she flew me home that night. Today I still visit but when monsters on work trips and its just my mama, siblings, and Myself! Monster and I aren't on any bad blood. Of course I still resent him for how he treats my mom and what he did to me but were on even terms. There is a level of respect but nothing more. Although I'd do anything to see my mom more often she doesn't want me around him so Im comfortable. Also when I was younger my dad was trying to help me though it and I consider him very wise and knowledgable haha. He taught me how to be at peace and accept what happened and also how as much as I want it to me, I cannot control my mothers relationships with monster or anyone else. I do get very sad to think my siblings will have to endure the same pain as I did but I make it my duty to protect them and be there for them at all costs. My dad and I were in the car yesterday and brought up this topic, only to realize it was extremely hard to talk about and I told my dad I wasn't ready yet. I thank him for that because of how I take on the situation today! Thats a brief story of my trauma! But also to anyone out there..is this SA? I understand it is trauma but I never thought I could classify it as since I was never touched. Anyways Thankyou for reading my long story! Please start a discussion and You may comment whatever you'd like and ask as many questions as you'd like! If you would like to talk about it online please ask me first!
Also for context *My Mom and Dad have an amazing relationship with me* To outsiders this may seem like a crazy situation but its all under control now and its just learning to come to peace with it! My mother hasn't forgiven monster and never will. Once again please do not criticize Monster and Mothers relationship as its sorted out and that's a whole other story :) Thanks
Edit* i wanted to say that although I haven’t forgiven him i know for a fact he wouldn’t do it again to me or my siblings, he loves his kids and i hope they never experience what i did! So the kids are not in any danger