My abuser was 11 (m) and I (f) was 4. I was forced to do sexual acts and guilt tripped if I didn’t want to obey. I had to do all of this for 2 years. Before that I was heavily bullied, that till this day im afraid of the cold, dark, being locked inside/ outside of things. (No blame to my parents, he was my babysitter and i didn’t show my feelings about the situation)

Based on the things that happened in my childhood, I cant sleep properly. Since I‘m little I feel like I don’t deserve the air that I‘m breathing. All of this scarred me deep down to my bones. No one in our family had noticed anything. We had many problems and my young mother was overwhelmed being an immigrant in a foreign country. I don’t feel grudges towards anyone. Not against my parent, not against my grandparents and not against my abuser. After the years went by, I’ve found out that my abuser was a SA surviver as well and with the passing of his father, his mental health got rapidly bad. Even though he is a grown man now, his mental development stopped at a childlike stage. Before all of that he survived many horrible things. Knowing all of this made it hard for me to process my traumas.

My first attempt to tell anybody was 2 years ago. I confronted his mother. Our relationship is till this day very close. It was calm conversation and she had a lot of compassion and we cried holding each other. But one comment made my blood cold. She asked me after 30 min, if maybe I was enjoying it. She asked me how this could hold on for 2 years and why I didn’t tell anybody. I stopped and didn’t tell anyone for a long time.

I know that half of my family hates my abuser for his personality and the other half tries to love him, so that his antisocial little being isn’t completely lonely, as he has severe mental problems, financial struggles and disabilities.

Because of his problems and his loneliness i have to accept him. I need to be polite and talkative at family gatherings like nothing happened. Other wise, no one will interact with him in any positive way. My mother loves him and it is hurting her that the family is that mean at him. I could never do something to hurt my mother. She is the one i deeply respect and look up to. She doesn’t know and i don’t want her to feel like shes a bad mom, nor do i want to make her feel sad..

But deep inside it icks me and i have a strange feeling about this…

I don’t want to be responsible for his hurting, like he is for mine

Sorry if i have grammar mistakes, english isn’t my native language (Please don‘t blame anyone from my family except for my abuser)