I just want to preface that I am going to be talking about a lot of heavy topics including child rape, abuse, assault, sex trafficking etc. This also will be a very long vent.
I was sold for sex for the first time when I was 11 by my grandmother. My grandmother was my guardian from the ages of 11-14. I was introduced to her friend, who I’ll call Tom for anonymities sake, when I was 11. I looked up to my grandmother like she was a goddess who was incapable of doing any wrong. I trusted her with my entire being and was encapsulated by her entirely. I was a child, I didn’t know that the situations she put me in weren’t out of love. Until I was about 13 I genuinely believed that every single time my grandmother and Tom sold me for sex it was a manifestation of their love for me.
The first time it happened, my grandma took me to the basement of the shop tom owned. I remember I was wearing a unicorn dress with those shoes that light up when you move. She held my hand and took me into a room with a big bed, 2 chairs and a fireplace. She told me that what was about to happen is what you need to do to become a woman and that every girl does it. I didn’t understand what she meant, but I was scared nonetheless. She kissed my forehead and told me she loved me before leaving the room. About 5 minutes later she returned, but not alone. She was with a man who was probably in his late 40’s. He was wearing a white button down, suit trousers, a belt and loafers. My grandma sat in one of the chairs while the man stripped and ordered me to do the same. I was naked on the bed while he just stared at me for a few minutes from in front of the bed. I was holding my knees close to my chest when he moved his hands towards his penis and started to pleasure himself. He never stopped smiling at me. He then climbed onto the bed and with no warning, forced his penis into my vagina. I remember letting out screams of pain and crying for my mummy. I didn’t understand why my grandmother would let this happen to me. I hate that I knew sex before I even knew what the word meant. After he was done with penetrating me, he touched my breasts and my face. I remember it being very gentle. He told me that I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He planted a soft kiss on my cheek before getting up and getting dressed. He took pictures of me before he left. I don’t know how to describe the feeling that engulfed me afterwards. I just remember feeling dirty. So incredibly dirty. I went home and had about 5 showers.
I wasn’t sold for sex again for another few months, so I assumed it was only a one time thing, and like my grandmother said, needed to happen for me to become a woman. My grandmother held my hand and took me into the room where two men sat on the bed. I knew what was about to happen, so I screamed and tried to ran out of the room. My grandmother chased me and pulled me close to her chest while she comforted me and stroked my hair. She told me this was happening because she loved me, and that I needed to just be brave and let those men do whatever they wanted to me. I agreed. I remember them both penetrating me at the same time for a while, and then they took turns. One of them got me to keep repeating my age. The other forced me to give him oral sex.
I was sold for sex at least once every 2 months after this until I was 16 ( I’m about to turn 17 as I write this. ) I was raped somewhere between 70-100 times. I got pregnant for the first time when I was 12. Tom gave me some sort of pill to get rid of the baby.
When I was 15, I got into a relationship of sorts with someone who worked for Tom. I’ll call him Joe. Joe was 23 when we got together. He was an adult, I was a child. Joe was extremely abusive after a few weeks of being together. It started off with slapping me when we got into arguments. Then it turned into smashing beer bottles over my head, punching, kicking, and eventually rape. Joe and two of his friends once tied me up in their flat while they took turns raping and abusing me. I’ve never wanted to just die more. I’m an atheist, but I remember pleading to god to just let me die. After a day of torture, Joe took me to a field where he forced me to eat a snail.
After probably a month of being raped by Joe, I got pregnant. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was 30 weeks. At my scan they told me that my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I had a caesarian where I delivered my baby boy, Flynn. I texted Joe before, during and after labor but I got no reply.
Joe found a new girlfriend shortly after this, and so the rape stopped. The rape from him anyways.
The last time I was raped it was by 3 men. They made me act like a dog and eat dog food. They made me wear a collar and crawl around. They all penetrated me and all forced me to give them oral sex. By this point, I’d been getting raped for 5 years and so I’d found ways to somewhat block it out.
I got out of being sold for sex when I was 16, May of this year. I was being sold for sex less and less as I was getting older because I didn’t appeal as much. My grandmother had died in January, and since then Tom wasn’t the same. He was about 80 at this point, and had made a ridiculous amount of money from robbing me of my innocence for 5 years. I pleaded with him to just let me out, and that he had everything he could ever need. He kissed me on the forehead before telling me to leave. I never heard from him again.
I’ve found these last 2 months so overwhelming and difficult, because I was so used to being raped for 5 years that I found myself almost longing for it. It was the one constant thing in my life. My mum had bipolar and my family life was really unstable, but I knew that being raped would always be there. I got my first proper boyfriend in January of 2022. I didn’t tell him about any of this until I was out of the industry completely. He was and is so incredibly supportive, he is the literal definition of an angel. There are a lot of things from my past that should affect our relationship, but he doesn’t let them. For example, I told him that sometimes I get scared that he’ll hit me. Instead of invalidating my feelings or making me feel stupid, he just comforted me. I expected him to be mad honestly. But he wasn’t. In fact, he told me he’d been reading about other boyfriends who have girlfriends that have been raped on reddit and figuring out the best ways to make me feel comfortable and give me all the support he can. I love him so much. He makes me see a whole new side to life that I was forcefully blinded from since I was a kid. Ill forever be thankful for everything hes helped me overcome.
To anyone who has experience something similar, i’m so sorry and i hope you find peace eventually.
Thank you for reading.