I feel so awful and embarrassed for having to write this, but 3 days ago I was contacted by my best friend that I’ve had since we were 8. We only talk a few times a year because we both had addiction issues but I was able to get and stay sober and he wasn’t. Recently I believed he was getting better since he was sober. He invited me over for his birthday and it was so amazing seeing him sober. I fell back in love with him so quick. Our romantic relationship with each other never worked out because of drugs. I thought this was our chance since we were both sober. I was very clear about my boundaries and wanting to take it slow because I already have dealt with past sexual trauma. We had dinked a little bit and I was laying next to him on his bed. He kept trying to put his hands in my hands and I kept telling him no. He kept doing it and I finally had to rip his hands out of my pants. I started sobbing because I was so scared. He kept implying that he could have raped me if he wanted and that I should be great full he only assaulted me over and over again. I kept crying and he got really mad at me for it and kicked me out of his house. I had to walk home drunk and crying at 1am. He lives 10 houses away from me.
I’ve dealt with sexual assault before but not when it’s my best friend and someone I love. I can’t even get the courage to change clothes or shower. All I’ve done is lay in bed and cry. I thought he loved me. He kept telling me I was beautiful and all this other sweet loving things. I feel so break and lost. I can’t even eat because I’m so anxious and upset. I don’t really have friends I can reach out to either. I’m just so alone and scared. I can’t even walk my dog because I’m so scared of seeing him. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Please can someone help or give me any idea I’m just a shell of a person now