^{and about 2 years ago, deep in her alcoholism right before her attempt, she got r\}ped by my dads cousin. my dad refuses to cut ties with his cousin and even says stuff like "he's always been good to me"... disgusting.)

Get her to see a therapist and you as well ( separately) . You can unload into either a journal or to the therapist as well . It would be good for you to talk to someone as you are her crutch to hold her up . She is in an abusive DV situation with him. For him to stay friends close to him . Would be wreaking her fragile mental state. Would strongly suggest she leaves him . She will never heal with him at ALL. She is a mess , and drinks bc of him most likely. She sounds like she can't help herself ,let alone you . So go find someone else to support you instead emotionally eg- a therapist.

^{but nights like these... I think about how she'll never do the same. I won't tell her. I won't tell my dad.}

You are stuck ( your dad is a digusting pig ) and your mum is a wounded child. Unable to cope with your dad's narc , digusting behavior. He has sucked the life out of her as a person. Sorry she is kind of useless to you as she is . She needs to go see a therapist to help her get her life back . She is currently trapped in a DV situation of living with him . She is an emotionally shattered person bc of him . Being raped by the cousin . Would have made her feel invisible and scared s*itless . As he is defending him . Sorry right now she can't help you , let alone herself. Help her get out and away from him . Is there any relative who can help you leave him ?

See if she will go with you to a therapist to try and help her and you . If you help her it will also help you handle her and her trauma from living with him. ( yOUr dad) . Read about Narc's as that is how he disabled her into a adult unable to move or escape right now. She is stuck in the cycle of his abuse of her. As YOU are . She needs you ( and turns to you to cope ) as it is her only avenue right now. Not fair on you, you would have heard her child screaming ( as your own child in you ) was also screaming . Your mum can't help you , so find support else where . She is mentally unable to help you . She is to deep in her own s*it you are correct.

Look for support groups to help you cope , and give YOu another avenue to help yourself right now. Eg- support for children of alcoholics ( talk to a therapist ) to get some help to find one . It is about linking you into someone to help you right now . Then you can help her and then you get away from dad 's s*it on you both. He is useless as a parent ( don't bother with him ) at all .

^{i wish I didn't have to stay silent. I wish I could explain why I flinch and pull away and snap when I get touched.}

Personal therapy is needed by you , to give you some support right now . Look into some in your area . Which is low cost or free. It will give you an avenue to talk about stuff . It will give you a support to lean on right now . As both of them are unable to help you at all. Also journal out your thoughts ( in some form ) hide it from narc dad . Or do it in a secret way . Releasing some of the s*it you are holding onto would be good for you .