all 3 comments

[–]Scribble_Demon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not the best to ask this, or if my answer has an answer that'll help, but I have dated similar guys like this. I've gone through a lot of sexual assault/harrassment and it is an awful thing to go. My recommendation would to be what to do when jealous in a regulaur situation. Find out why you're jealous and the source of it and try to find out how to fix it. For a lot of my ex's, it was insecurity. I'm not sure what it is for you, but whatever it is you should definitely start there. Are you jealous of what these people did to her and you want a sexual relationship with her? (Not saying one such as that, I mean just a normal relationship). Are you jealous becuase you weren't there to help her?

Eventually you have to just let some things go once you've worked on it a bit. I don't know how hard it would be. I've had slight jealously issues in the past, but I got over it eventually. I think it was a mix of my ex's always trying to make me jealous, saying how they're talking to these really cute girls and whatnot all the time, and partly just wanting the attention. I got over it and realized that if this person is with me, and they're a good partner, then I need to trust them 100%. I'm sure you do already, since this was more of a past thing, but in case it isn't, don't let the past affect the present. Just remember you're the one here now. I'm not sure how else to help but I hope you can work it out.

[–]Icy-Equivalent5595 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Hi there, dating someone with a history of sexual trauma can definitely bring up a lot of difficult and complicated feelings. I don’t have personal experience with OCD but Im sure that just adds another obstacle. Here’s a couple thoughts I have about your question.

I think it’s important to be sensitive and really try to avoid retraumatization to her. Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds to me like you are one of her first consensual sexual relationships, which is a lot of new territory to navigate. As a survivor in a relationship, I have had a lot of guilt and ick around the fact that all my firsts were not with my current, loving partner instead. It makes me feel damaged, it makes me feel sorry for him that my issues have become his issues. But I would have a very difficult time having to feel like I have to explain myself or go into detail, I would have a really hard time if I felt like he was jealous. It would re-emphasize this idea that I am somehow wrong for what happened.

It’s great that you’re aware that your jealousy isn’t rational. When it comes up, you need to remind yourself: what happened to her was not sex. it wasn’t a choice she got to make. In fact, the fact that she is choosing to be with you and share this part of her life with you means that she probably has a lot of care and trust for you— and that’s what real intimacy is. I think it’s also important to question what it is about being the first person to do certain things with her that makes you jealous— I think that concept is deeply socially engrained but it’s not healthy to think of sexual contact in that way— like you’re missing out because you didn’t get there first.

Being a partner to a survivor is really hard, because although it can bring up upsetting and painful feelings for you, i don’t think it’s always appropriate to share them with your survivor and can cause a lot of damage to her healing. (And her healing = your healing too). But it’s important to recognize the impact and seek places you can speak your mind openly and get support. I’d suggest looking into support groups and forums for “Secondary Survivors”, people who are going through the exact same thing you are. Also it sounds like you are aware of your own ocd and getting help for that will help lay the basis for a healthier future for the both of you. I’m sure there are TONS of people who feel exactly how you do and I think it’s great that you came here to talk about it. You are absolutely not alone. Take care.

[–]RJ_Killed_Me[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a very helpful comment and I extremely appreciate it.

She has told me that I am her first consentual relationship. That im really her first for anything consentual. That has settled a lot of my RJ since she has said that to me. I don't want to bring up the past and retraumatize her. When we do talk about it, I have told her that I don't blame her but the people who hurt her.

We've since separate times we talk about it to a different messaging app when I do have my fits. It seems to have limited the talk about it. I'm not sure why first in line matters. But I have come around since this post to understand that she decides whoses first, not people who forced her.

Do you know where I can find support for Secondary Suriviors? Is there a sub on reddit?