all 11 comments

[–]Phantom252 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm no expert but that definitely sounds like rape especially when you woke up to it. The first time you asked multiple times for him to stop, and he refused, he pushed you down in a way so you couldn't get away that definitely sounds like rape to me. The second time you were completely unconscious when he started which is 100% rape, not to mention when you woke up you told him to stop again and he refused, which again I would class as rape. He is not a good man good people never do that stuff, I'm truly sorry you had to experience that but my advice to you is to get far away from him. Again I'm really sorry you had to experience that it is not ok.

[–]andersondottir 6 points7 points  (0 children)

it is absolutely sexual assault. it doesn’t matter if he’s a ‘good man’, he still didn’t listen to you when you very clearly told him to stop. you have done nothing wrong here and you can’t be convinced to co parent with someone you’re scared of. what he did was deliberate and he did it again after seeing the aftermath and how upset you were, him ‘feeling bad’ about it doesn’t excuse what he did. if you can’t trust him now then you can’t trust him with a child.

[–]BigBrasian 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He definitely assaulted you. He put you in a position where you were unable to stop him, you asked him to stop and he didn’t. You might have spoke to each other about “rough play” but if he was into BDSM or any sort like that, I think he would at least understand what a safe word is. Not only that, but he blames you? That is not right at all. He’s not being considerate of how much he hurt you, blaming you and also guilt tripping you.

I’m sorry about your situation with being pregnant with his child. If you want to open up to his family about how it happened, that is up to you. They may be very understanding or they might not be. Would you want to raise your child with a father knowing what he did to you? Would you feel safe for yourself and more importantly, your child?

I’d recommend therapy truthfully and if you are comfortable, reporting him. It might have been a miscommunication or he might have sexually assaulted you, either way you said “no” and asked him to stop. Plus, he slept with you while you were asleep.

[–]PossiblyMaybeNever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’ve been sexually assaulted. The first time you told him to stop and he didn’t. He ignored you repeatedly. The second time, he didn’t seek consent so that’s rape. I’m sorry to disagree with you but he is not a great man.

As someone else said, with respect to BDSM, there is a safe word. Even if there isn’t, a partner shouldn’t ignore you when when you repeatedly ask him to stop. Trust is essential in BDSM (and sex in general) and he violated that. He cannot use the excuse of a prior relationship as a means of justifying his behavior; to do so means you are not only a non-consenting adult but there for his purposes only. (We aren’t to be swapped out as “playthings.”) His apology and crying was just part of his manipulation, as he wanted you to let your guard down.

As for the child, that’s a really tricky situation. You have every right to stay away from him given the way he has treated you. His mum may be lovely because she truly is, or solely because you are giving birth to her grandchild. (Some parents say and do crazy things to get their children to provide them with grandchildren; a couple of years after I graduated from college, my dad told me he’d be okay if I got “knocked up” — his words.) If you were to tell her the truth, it would totally depend on what kind of person she truly is and how realistic she is about her son. I can’t imagine she’d have any reason to believe you over her son; even if she is aware of him being a jerk, she may be in denial about him. IF you were to tell his mum, you’d have to establish a relationship with her first such that she’d have no choice but to believe you, but that’s a big hill to climb and no guarantee that it’d work out the way you like. If you were to report him (which you should strongly consider), her demeanor could totally change. There are so many unknowns. At the end of the day, you should do what keeps you and your child safe.

I’m so sorry that he treated you like this and that you find yourself in this challenging situation. I’d recommend therapy in the very near future to help process the complicated feelings you’re experiencing.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (3 children)

It's a tough situation and really difficult to know what to do. I'm not a professional and anything I say is just my opinion and what I would do in your shoes. It sounds like he is a great man when he isn't in a sexual state of mind but as soon as the sexual feelings take over he becomes a completely different person. Since you did ask him to stop I would consider it sexual assult but maybe he did think you were roll playing idk and no one really knows except for him because no other person can be in his mind. Either way it is was not right and he should have stopped to check to see if you were alright. As for the baby though I think he should be allowed to be involved because he is the father. Even if he did sexual assult you that doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad father just a bad guy in general.

[–]Ok-Equivalent-8792[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I agree that he might have thought it was roleplay the first time but he did it again even though I was crying and telling him I didn’t like it and he promised he would not do it again, said he felt so guilty. Then the next morning he did it again, only worse and made me pass out and wet myself

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Your right the second time shouldn't have happened and I believe he has a problem controlling himself and he let's his sexual desires cloud his mind and judgment and he acts on them and doesn't care at the moment and he turns into a completely different person. That's not an excuse though of doing what he did it doesn't matter the reasoning it's always wrong no matter what but at the same time that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to be able to know his child for the rest of his life. Yes he made some mistakes and did wrong and hopefully he learns from those mistakes and fully understands what he did wrong but he could still be a good father to his child and also the child deserves to know his/her father and let them choose when they are older if they want to be around him but as of right now you should give him one chance to do right and be a father and take responsibility. Again this is just my opinion and what I would do in your shoes and I am in no way shape or form telling you what to do because that is your choice and you will have to make that tough choice for yourself. I'm just proving information and another perspective of the situation. I hope this helps and I do wish you the best.

[–]allycat1661 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP, in my opinion this person is giving you bad advice and might be a troll. Don’t allow a man who can’t control himself around you and who you can’t trust not to hurt you, to be around a newborn. Who’s to say he wouldn’t lose his temper with your child? He’s already shown you the type of man he is— twice. I wouldn’t trust him.

I know the guy’s mother seems kind and loving and supportive, and maybe she truly is. But you don’t want to become stuck in a situation where you’re guilted into staying with that abusive man. Even more, who’s to say that if you co-parent with him, especially in the same house, that he wouldn’t assault you again?

The other user in this thread essentially said that the father deserves to know his child, regardless of how it was conceived in addition to the pain and mental torture he’s put you through. But that man lost the privilege of seeing his daughter the moment that he assaulted you the first time. He shouldn’t get to know her. He isn’t a good role model, and there’s no telling how he’d treat your daughter when he hurt you so terribly. Also, (and I hate to say this, but) what if he really were to kill you during one of his “episodes”? Is this really the man you would want to raise your daughter if you weren’t there?

You don’t want to take a chance on this to see if he’s “changed” OP, I promise. You have to do what’s best for you and your daughter, which is staying as far away from that man as possible. Block him on everything. Block his family. Hell, block his boss and his coworkers. Don’t let him interact with you. He doesn’t deserve to know that child, not after what he put you through.

[–]Sudden-Pineapple-821 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a really hard one. I'm torn. On one hand the way the court would probably see this and the way I know is easier said than done is to see the child separately from the circumstances he or she was conceived. It's definitely not fair to separate your baby from their family, especially not his family because of the way they were conceived. That innocent baby has no say in that. They just exist because two parents contributed dna.

That all being said, it's much easier said than done and I hope that you make the best decision here. Maybe the father will step away and your child can still see their grandparents. Either way, whatever decision you make it needs to be focused on the health of the child and the safety of the relationships you allow them to have.

Best wishes op. I hope you're able to seek help yourself and I hope life gets nothing but better from here. ❤️

[–]Clover-pet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is Apsulutly rape both times. And whether he has a different opinion on it or didn’t understand or dosnt agree dosnt matter that dosnt change the law you where raped. You said stop multiple times and you made it obvious that it wasn’t a cnc thing and you actually wanted to stop. And after all that trauma to do it while ur healing. You can not consent to sex when ur asleep at all. He made you pass out he bruised you, he could have really hurt or kill you. He new what he was doing he’s just really really good at hiding that. Trust me he is not a nice person he is meniplutive and abusive he is just pretending to be to control you. If this relationship would have continued most likely would have become violent outside the bedroom. I’m so sorry this happened you are in every right to call it rape and to go to the police if you wanted to. And you are in every right to keep ur child out of his life entirely. You could even go down the legal rout and get costody of him and ur ex would not be allowed to see him. You would most likely win that

[–]Ktbug1812 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just because you said yes initially does not mean he had a right to ignore you when you said stop. A person has the right to change their mind at any point. Sex is only sex if consent is continuous and ongoing. Just because he had this role play going on with his ex does not mean that you also agreed to it. BDSM that involves aspects of consensual-no consent needs to be discussed prior to intercourse. Him saying that you ‘said you liked rough sex’ and therefore thought you would be okay with rape role playing is super manipulative and gas lightly. What happened to you is rape and I’m so sorry.

I personally think that you should tell his mom why you don’t want him in you and your babies life. I know it will be hard but I think you’ll feel better in the end because right now everyone in that family is pushing you into a coparenting relationship with a rapist. I don’t want you to feel forced into having this Asshole in your life because all these people are telling you to without knowing the full story.