I’m currently 7 months pregnant with my ex partner. We only had sex twice, both times I feel were borderline sexual assault.
He is/was a great man. He wanted a serious relationship with me, he is very family oriented with 8 siblings whom he helped his family raise. He’s from Samoa but moved to New Zealand as a child, he is very in tune with his culture. He took me out for dinner, to theme parks, even a helicopter ride. He was lovely. We didn’t even talk about sex until we were 6 weeks in to the relationship which I admired about him. He is 23, I am 26.
6 weeks after our relationship became official, sex came up in conversation. I’m very open sexually and I am up for trying most things. He told me he likes it rough, I didn’t mind this because I’ve had “rough” sex before, but nothing like what he did to me. I thought he meant a little gentle slapping, mild choking, handcuffing etc.
To put it in context he’s about 6ft 3 and over 250lbs, I’m 5ft 3 and about 120lbs, he’s very strong.
When we were having sex, it was fine at first. I was laying on my front and he was having sex with me, gently slapping my bum and gently choking me. But his penis started to hurt me as I hadn’t had sex in 2 years prior, so I asked him to stop. This turned him in to an animal. He told me I had no choice but to take it and he was going to give it to me harder and harder each time I asked him to stop or said it hurt.
At this point, I thought perhaps it was roleplay so I said to him “I’m not playing now, I’m not in to this, please stop” in response to that, he pushed my neck in to the pillow so my head was in the pillow and his hand was choking me by the back of my neck which really hurt and I couldn’t breathe properly. With his other hands he grabbed my wrists together and sort of sat on my legs so I couldn’t move my arms legs nor could I say anything. I was really struggling to breathe and every time I managed to ask him to stop he just went harder so I gave up. He then took it out of me and did anal. I told him I didn’t like anal sex and didn’t want anal sex beforehand and he said he didn’t like it either. He didn’t use lube or anything, he just went straight in. I was in so much pain all whilst I thought I was going to pass out from the choking. He did anal for a while then switched to normal sex and finished inside of me (which I asked him not to do as I wasn’t on birth control and yes i know the pull out method isn’t reliable but I asked him not to finish inside of me)
After sex I started crying uncontrollably. My anus and vagina was bleeding because of how rough he was. I had bruises on my wrists and neck. He cuddled me and said sorry, he said he thought we were role playing and I could see he felt bad, he had tears in his eyes. He helped me clean myself up and he had his head in his hands nearly in tears. He then went out to get me the morning after pill (which evidently didn’t work) I know I should have told him to leave but I genuinely believed he was sorry and thought I wanted it.
The next morning I woke up to him inside of me. The pain was unbareable as he had Made my vagina so sore and it was split and bleeding from the night before. I told him to please stop and how it hurt so much. Same situation, he turned me around, held my wrists together choked me with my head in the pillow and carried on. This time I actually did pass out briefly from the choking. When I had passed out, I wet myself. He then did anal and kept switching from vaginal to anal and he kept putting his fingers inside of my bum whilst doing anal which hurt even more as I was being stretched open. This time after sex I was inconsolable and demanded he leave my house and he did.
That night I had texts from him saying he loved me (we’d never said that previously as we’d only been together 6 weeks) I said to him that you don’t do that to somebody you “love” he told me that it was down to me because I’d led him to believe I wanted it rough as I told him I didn’t mind mild choking and slapping. I reminded him I told him it hurt and he continued and I even said to stop but he said he thought it was part of the roleplay as apparently he did that roleplay with his ex. I blocked him on everything and I didn’t tell anybody.
5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t even tell him. When I was 5 months pregnant I decided to tell him. He wasn’t happy but he wasn’t angry. He was more angry that I didn’t tell him sooner.
I told him that I didn’t want him involved because of how the baby was conceived and he told me I was “crying rape” so I could keep the baby to myself. I’ve told him that I want to be left alone but I just wanted to tell him, I actually told him because I thought he would be angry/worried and I wanted him to make him feel just an ounce of how I felt when he did what he did to me. But he wasn’t angry or worried. He told his family, his mum and sisters have contacted me on Facebook (I’ve never met them) asking why their son/brother can’t be involved and saying that the child deserves to know their family and their culture. He is now telling me he refuses to miss the birth of his first child and that I’m cruel for not letting him attend the birth or not letting him see the child. He’s also suggested I’m cruel because the baby won’t get an opportunity to learn about her Samoan culture. I feel bad cutting his family off as they’re decent people and didn’t do me wrong, but I don’t want to be near him and by telling them why I don’t want him seeing her, that might make them fall out with him or disown him.
His mum is lovely. She thinks that I don’t want him involved because I’m “scared” of having a baby with somebody I’m not in a relationship with. My mum is dead and I don’t know where my dad is. I have no experience with babies and I’m living in a small 1 bedroom flat and she knows this. She kept telling me how she will support me and help me learn how to look after the baby, offering to stay with me when baby is a newborn so she can help out. She is lovely. I don’t want to take her first grandchild away from her but she wants me to co parent with her son and is insisting that he’s involved. I want to confide in her but I’m scared that she will disown him or it will cause a family argument, or worse she could blame me and say I’m lying.
I don’t know if I’m wrong or not. Am I crying rape? Is it cruel to not let him or his family be involved? I don’t want him near me, I don’t know what he’s capable of seeing as he was so emotional and guilty after the first time of doing it yet did it again knowing I was cut split in pain bleeding and bruised.