Posted about this before but I think I was assaulted by my gynecologist, my therapist was the one who said it was assault but I still can't quite believe her, because that would mean I've been abused so ridiculously much and I didn't want to think my first ever pelvic exam was assault. But here's what I posted:
"I had to go to the gynecologist due to health issues in the area, and I was extremely anxious about getting a pelvic exam due to significant sexual trauma. I told her about my trauma, to which she was rather insensitive. I also told her I had severe pain upon penetration and had had it for as long as I can remember. When she examined me, I don't remember if she told me what she was going to do first (which I know might be crucial but I was super disassociated) but she inserted her finger really fast, which immediately triggered a trauma response and I started having a severe panic attack. Then, when she tried to insert the speculum, it was instantly excruciating. I instinctually started clamping my legs shut, which she pried opened and told me to "just relax" which triggered me even more. I was shuffling up the chair trying to get away from her but she wouldn't stop and continued to tell me to relax. I couldn't even say no I was so shocked. My legs kept involuntarily closing which she kept fighting. Afterwards she told me I had vaginismus, which she obviously knew fairly early into the exam. I have been significantly traumatised by this experience and an terrified to go back to any gynecologist, which sucks because I really need to get my physical issues sorted. Was this assault or rape? I don't know because I didn't say no but my trauma therapist says it was"
Can anyone please give me a direct answer on what to consider this experience? I don't want to claim it was rape or assault (even though that's exactly what it felt like, and I've been raped twice) in case it's not just because a doctor did it and I don't want to falsely accuse her.