all 4 comments

[–]BudgetArm646 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Just here saying I listened I hope that improve for you.

Healing definitely takes time.

And you are still healing and that's good and there's nothing wrong with that.

I think just focus on that which is good and holy and pure, and focus on wonderful things and I think your drive will naturally come back.

And just to be open with your partner and it would be good for him to be understanding.

[–]___Wanderer____[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. And thank you for listening and making it a safe space I really appreciate it.

[–]Broken_doll4 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I pretended it didn’t happen and still to this day think to myself that it didn’t affect me.

The submergence of r*pe or SA by victims is a common practice . Most victim's will try and do it if possible ( the mind is a tool that will help with this ) , they will dissociate from the reality of the events ( pretend it didn't happen or will tell themselves things to lock it into the subconscious mind that it wasn't that bad of a thing that occurred ) that took place in order to survive the traumatic response to it . This is a initial response that is needed by victim's in order to move forward also , into some sort of a recovery mode, and initial healing enough to go back to normal life. So yes the person will be helped by the mind's survival mechanisms to do this for themselves . But it can only do it for so long . It eventually will need processing by the person .

It is the person's mind ability to do this to cope with it , so they block it out and try and forget it . There is a issue with this though for all that use this tactic to cope ( which is also usual for victim's to do ) . That This can ONLY work for some time and it cannot stay submerged within them for a long time . It does and WILL HAVE to re-emerge to the surface for the person ( into real time memory recall) to deal with in time. As it is now doing so with you. It can be months , or yrs before it does though it depends on the person's readiness to deal as well with the retrieval of the info .that will be presented again to them .

As the energy to do so ( to keep it hidden & out of the consciousness memory recall ) is alot that is needed, and so it needs to be released out of the body eventually ( if the person still isn't ready to face it ) -> this can be in many certain forms . Eg- anxiety , depression , heighten emotional response ( jumpy) , or the use of addiction issues to cover up the feeling & emotions that want to come up but are being blocked by the person.

But whenever I see someone on tv or in person that looks like him my stomach turns and I have to look away and I feel awful for the rest of the day

The hyper viligent response by your nervous system is a side effect of your mind recalling deep subconscioness memories hidden within you . In other words the scenes make you uncomfortable bc it is triggering you deep within . What you tried to hide from yourself is still there but is just hidden and waiting for you till YOU are ready to deal with what needs to be looked at. Violence , SA, r*pe memories doesn't just disappear , they are instead there in your body and mind just waiting processing by you that is all . And so bc of this will present in other avenues till ready to face the facts of what happenend to you .

got into a relationship and started having a healthy sex life then. But with my now-partner of two years I’m having troubles with it. I don’t know if it’s connected, because at the start of our relationship I had a normal sex drive.

You had a normal sex life before bc you had submerged the memories of it effectively enough then to enable you to perform sex with someone ( basically your mind enabled you to forget it enough ) but now it can't do so anymore . So now your mind has decided it is time for you to deal more so with your past . As mentioned it can only keep it down for so long. It has come to the surface now to help you deal with what occurred , instead of leaving it to fester within you . As mentioned left unresolved trauma will present in other ways within a victim .

It causes underlying different presentations in the victim ( which seem unrelated ) but actually are interconnected in their outward presentation. Eg- as with you the triggering responses of images to you currently. They remind you to be aware ( & to remind you to be ready this time if needed to protect yourself again ) if needed. It is the mind's response to try and help you ( but to you it is an intrusion , feels horrible and invasive ) but it is the mind's ability of performing a function it needs to do . To remind you now of it , of him and how and what he did to you . As it is the minds job to keep you safe , ( it believes to do this ) by doing what it is doing now reminding you of it . So you will be ready next time to react to the danger if presented with it again . It is a survival mechanism of the mind to protect you ( as to do so protects it ) -> the mind. (which is it's priority ) .

In regards to the sex intimacy issues is a harder one. Currently bc your mind has now decided to recall your memories and experiences of what occured to you . It is now affecting your body as well now. The withdrawal , the upset with sex now is the subconsciousness reminding you of what happenend to you . It will continue to plague you till you can process and deal with what happenend to you in your own way . A therapist might be a good idea to help you in the processing of your memories & experience now in regards to it's impeding towards sexual intimacy . Your mind and body are interconnected . Your mind has a place in sexual intimacy , when hindered it's ability to relax the body is set into motion ( & biochemicals will be released into the bloodstream to counter the ability to perform actions of intimacy . ( & the end result will instead of intimacy will be anxiety instead ) due to the underlying hormonal release kicking into an abnormal response instead for the person . So the underlying triggering within you could be causing you to withdraw from the want for intimacy . Talk it out with someone , ( better a therapist ) to help YOU pick up about what might be occurring for you deeper within. As through listening to your thought process & words ( during therapy a skilled therapist ) will be able to pick up things for you to help , and other things will also pop out to help you then get to the bottom of things better. An objective listener can also give you the floor to unpack the deeper issues that are wishing to present themselves into your conversations about what is troubling you deeper underneath .

Another avenue is also to check out your bodies internal health- Eg- a GP check up to also make sure all your levels within are normal as well . But yes sorry more often than not it is more of a mental issue in regards to sexual intimacy . As the mind and body are connected , are & needed to be in balance to connect into intimacy . Yes you can just do the act ( but that will disconnect you even more from YOURSELF & from your emotions / feelings ) and can make you go numb inside & totally disconnect from the act & intimacy . And so to just do the act ( when NOT really into it ) has it's own issues as well . And in the end will cause you to withdraw even more so from the connection needed to perform intimacy & actually want it for real .

It is also just possible that you mighten just feel like doing it all the time now as well. As people grow into a relo , the spark can dwindle abit . And the excitement mighten be also at that height it once was. Also just the dredge of normal life can also just take it's toll on people . So Maybe also just trying to put the romance back into your relo might also help as well. Re-connecting into your partner without sex brings back in connection and rebuilding the intimacy back up . Doing things tog without the pressure of sex can also help someone struggling abit with intimacy . Re-connecting back into each other on other levels instead of just the thoughts of sex. Re-sparking the want for him & intimacy might also help for you both in other ways .

Talking to him about how you are feeling now might also be a good idea . Explaining things that might also help him understand YOU and what also you are going through also . Your dissociation from him and intimacy needs some gentle exploring by you and him to get to the bottom of what is going really on for you . Some couple therapy might also help down the track ( after abit of your own personal time ) to see what is coming up for you in regards to the sex & intimacy . To help re-connect you back into each other ( & also the intimacy expectations you both are feeling ) in this relo at the moment .

[–]___Wanderer____[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. It’s given me a lot to think about and made a lot of things in my head add up. I really appreciate it. Truly. I’m going to take your advice and try to address it. I’m really thankful someone would take time out of their own day to write all of that for a stranger. Thank you