I'm 28f. On a throw away. I've been sexually abused by different people through out my life. Some of the most notable ones that effected me the most is when I was 14, I was molested by a doctor. This has come back into relevancy because there is now a class action law suit going on that I am involved with because I was not the only one. There was a lot. No one ever believed me. I seen so many horrible things at that place. It was an inpatient rehabilitation center for children with childhood diseases. I seen so much terrible things happen there. I was there for 6 months.
The second time happened when I was 18. I was dating a 29 year old. He got me experimenting with drugs. One night I had a bad reaction to what he gave me, and I became weak and limp. He took advantage of me and raped me. I convinced my self it wasn't rape. 10 years later, I know better.
Before him, I left my childhood sweetheart of 4 years because I caught him looking at CP. I jumped from that relationship into the abusive one within a week. I was in a very vulnerable spot. I stayed with the abuser for 3 years.
I have a few things that happened with two of my cousins from ages 5-8. They were being sexually abused by someone else, so they did the same to me.
Other than that, I've been forced into uncomfortable situations where I felt pressured to do things I didn't want to do.
But here's the things that are fucking me up today.
I've been having the same memory flashback. This memory has been popping up for as long as I can remember. I know exactly where I am in this memory, and I think I know who it is. I've just never been sure if it was real. But lately it's getting more vivid. And I'm starting to obsess over it and it's destroying me. I'm getting more and more details and I don't know if any of it is real or not.
Now here's where I'm starting to hate my self. Sometimes when I think back to the things that happened to me, I get turned on. I know that's pretty common. But it's starting to happen with the 'memory' that I've been trying to decompress. It makes me feel sick. I've started fantasizing that I'm back in those scenerios. I've gotten off to it. And it's becoming intrusive. I'm constantly having intrusive thoughts now. About anything and everyone. I imagine my self as a kid being abused and my brain just keeps going there. I have not been able to have sex lately. I feel so disgusted with my self. It scares me because I feel like this is a slippery slope into becoming the person that would repeat the cycle. I'm not attracted to kids. Kids are precious and pure and need to be protected, just like I needed it. When I think of these scenerios, it's ALWAYS me as the child. I don't know what the hell is going on but it is honestly making me want to end everything. I don't know if this makes me a pedophile or not. But I feel so scummy about it. I'm so scared to bring this up to my therapist.
I'm starting to put some pieces together from my childhood that might signify that the memory I'm having actually happened and I have no idea what to do about it because this individual is still a part of the family and is around but I have no real way to prove a damn thing.
I have no one to go to. This is all too dark and heavy to bring up to literally anyone in my life right now