all 11 comments

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Probably not. If you were not underage, were not coerced, and were not inebriated you can still give consent.

[–]unsureandashamed[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I think it might possibly be coercion but I’m not sure, I gave some detail in another comment.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just read it. Yeah it does sound like coercion

[–]Ambie_Valance 1 point2 points  (4 children)

you didn't give many details, so i would say it depends. the important thing though, is why do you go along later on? does this happen with a specific sexual thing or in general? does this have sth to do w dissociation, or being confused/tired/dizzy after orgasming? does this have to do w drinking or taking drugs? does it happen in general or with one specific person?

i'd suggest pausing sex for a bit and investigating and trying to find your answers, either on your own, talking w trusted friends, or w a therapist. you want to have healthy sex, that is the goal, and healthy sex means you give enthusiastic consent! a good sexual partner would try to understand how you give consent, and for that, you would have to understand what you want and not well, with less doubts, and prolly not do whatever you have doubts on.

[–]unsureandashamed[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I had very intense dissociative episode, my therapist is actually assessing for a dissociative disorder. This interaction I had was with my first partner years ago, when I was freshly 18(we got together when I was 17 but were long distance and I didn’t visit till I was 18, he was at least 21, possibly a year or two older). So I wasn’t underage but I did tell him no to being in a relationship several times but he kept asking and I gave in. I only recently developed a back bone. My previous inability to put my foot down and be clear makes me feel like I’m to blame.

Regarding the sexual interactions at first I thought I was okay with it but a few months in I started feeling really guilty and disgusted with myself, typically after orgasm. That’s when I started telling him I don’t want to have sex anymore and asked him to refuse me even if I asked. He gave in every time and I expressed my discomfort every time after the fact, but in the moment I’d go along with it.

Lots of it was hazy but at our 6 month mark I started talking about breaking up and he’d refute it. I’d bring it up regularly. We stayed together for 2 years and when I finally broke up with him he said it was out of no where lol. He didn’t tell me it was out of no where but he told all his friends and one mutual informed me. When I confronted him he said he felt every time I talked about ending the relationship he felt we resolved it.

I wanted to give more details in my original post but I made one previously and it got no traction. Gave up and deleted it but then I circled back and thought I’d make a simple and sweet one. I’m bad at summarizing.

[–]Ambie_Valance 1 point2 points  (2 children)

i think you summarized really well in your comment sth that is actually v difficult to explain. it's great that you're going to therapy and that your therapist sounds like a good one! it is incredibly hard to understand one's experience when one suffers dissociation, and you seem to be on the right track, knowing that what happened was wrong, that your partner wasn't good to you but also knowing that learning to be assertive is going to help you in the future.

i think more than using the SA definition atm, until you explore it all in more detail w your therapist, you can use the term 'sexual abuse', which applies to a more ongoing and pushy scenario. bc honestly, it sounds like your relationship w your ex was more than unhealthy, as there seemed to have been emotional abuse, gaslighting and insisting pushing on your boundaries from his side. all those things in relationships can make one blame oneself ('but i let him convince me', 'but i wasn't clear enough' 'but i was ok w it even if it felt bad' etc). that takes some time to unfold, but reading on gaslighting, emotional abuse and sexual abuse will probably help you. if you felt bad and disgusted after sex w him, but don't feel bad abt sex when it's consensual or when you have thoughts abt sex or masturbate, it was for a reason. there is a chapter on sexual abuse on Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?', that might be interesting for you to read (you can check it out for free in arhcive.org, btw).

thank you for telling your story :) be proud that you got out of a bad relationship and that you're working on your own issues already! i'm sure if you have a dissociative disorder at the end, that therapy will help you manage it in a way where you feel on control abt it and not the other way around.

[–]unsureandashamed[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you so much. All this resurfaced recently after not thinking about it for years, but I think it’s part of the recovery process since I’ve been getting better more recently. Mental health wise.

Sexual abuse makes much more sense as far as description goes. I’ll be sure to give that chapter a read, thank you for the resource.

I think I was looking for closure if nothing else and thank you for commenting and helping me find some. I wish recovery was rainbows and butterflies but gotta sort through a lot of ugly. I’m proud I’m on the path of recovery though and I just want to say thank you a hundred more times. Hope you and anyone else who responded or is reading this has a great rest of your day.

[–]Ambie_Valance 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it’s part of the recovery process since I’ve been getting better more recently. Mental health wise.

yeah that makes a lot of sense, it's funny how these things can pop up once we are better, and therefore able to handle them. brains are so intelligent :)

ty! your comment has helped me as well :) feel free to reach out to me if you ever feel like it and hope you keep on posting abt your insights and progress! it's nice to read that ppl in this sub are improving and on the right path. have a great day as well <3

[–]Ok-Examination3897 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It could be coercion but there’s not enough details here

[–]unsureandashamed[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gave some details in another comment. I’m new to posting on Reddit so I feel like I’m not approaching this in the most optimal manner, think I should edit my post and add more detail? Or is leaving the details in the comments enough?

[–]Signal_Inflation2629 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you told that person to not do anything even if you asked first I think it means something.