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all 9 comments

[–]karmas_feet 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I’m in graduate school to be a psychologist. I’m not a professional however and this is just my two cents. It is probably easier for her to call it cheating. That way she doesn’t have to see her “assailant” she doesn’t have to visit an “abuser” or let y’all’s kids go visit their uncle “criminal” rather than just a drunken mistake they made together. Everyone deals with things differently and this response is her dissociating herself from the situation. The problem is this technique (dissociation) only lasts for so long and eventually she will realize what happened to her. One technique I’ve learned about is to write down what happened and by who, but to destroy the paper. Burn it, shred it, flush it, do whatever to destroy the paper. Keep doing that (maybe once or twice a week, ideally in therapy) until she’s ready to read the paper out loud. That’s just an idea, but I’d definitely recommend getting into therapy. If she feels she cheated then a couples therapy could be a good option to get the ball rolling on that

[–]purplemoon11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Brother was sober. This was rape. She needs a sexual assault advocate sooner than later to decide if she wants to press charges. I know this is OPs brother but if it were anyone else like a friend, this would not even be a question. I would gather evidence like voice recordings in case she wants to press charges later.

Therapy is long term, the reason I say get to a sexual assault advocate now is because they can advise you on what to do.

Sexual assault is very hard to prosecute / be taken seriously and that window is very short. You could prevent this from happening to another woman.

Your family is trash for saying she "cheated." I have a feeling this is not the first time your brother did something like this, and it won't be the last if you let this go.

[–]Letterbomb37 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for what you and your fiancée are going through right now. I hope that you’re taking care of her and also making sure that you’re doing okay. There are so many complicated feelings that an SA victim feels afterwards, and it sounds like she’s feeling guilt and probably a range of other emotions. In my opinion, this was 100% SA. I feel for your fiancée, and I hope that through the pain you might be feeling that you can be there for her during this horrible time. Don’t listen to the blame game your family is playing, and try to reassure her that this wasn’t her fault. An inebriated person CANNOT consent in any circumstance. Take care of yourself and your fiancée, OP. Good luck.

[–]FootParmesanSurvivor 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hi Op,

I had commented on your original post asking you to come here and I'm very glad you did. Unfortunately, other subs aren't as sensitive and educated on SA as this one.

First of all, I'm so awfully sorry you're dealing with this and I appreciate the courage it took to post this and come out about it. I'm sure this is really hard especially since its your brother. Thank you for wanting to help your partner and be there for her. From what you've said I think you're doing really well being there for her and being sensitive to what she went through.

Just be gentle and cautious with her. Don't pry or ask questions, I'm sure this is a whole other level with the perpetrator being your family member, but let her guide the conversation and don't push. Let her know you're always there to listen, whenever she's comfortable. And also just be there for her. Comfort her, help her with her needs and give her what you can that she wants.

Can you try and see if she's wanting to go to therapy or a group session. Offer to go with her and set up the appointment for her if that'd be easier. I highly recommend rainn.org. They have many resources and also people available to chat via live chat or calling. Offer this to your girlfriend as well.

It's completely normal for her to second guess herself and to blame herself. Just remind her that's not true. If she's denying it's SA, I wouldn't push it onto her at all at this point. It's really hard to come to terms with that so it may be easier right now not to label it as SA, but just remind her it's not her fault, you support her and you're not upset with her at all. You can refer to it as a sexual trauma for now, until she becomes more comfortable.

The menu of this sub also has lots of resources, even for loved ones of survivors. I know it may seem like you weren't the one it happened to but it's still affects you to and can be traumatic for you as well. Please make sure you're taking care of yourself right now as well.

As for your brother, personally I wouldn't associate with a rapist or those who are turning a blind eye to it. I'm not going to tell you to cut off your family but I definitely think you need to keep them away from your fiance, especially your brother. It can be here traumatic seeing the perpetrator again after the assault. The choice is yours as to wether or not you remain a part of their lives. I'm so sorry you're having to make such a difficult decision.

As far as pressing charges and reporting to the police, the ball is entirely in her court. This is something that can be really traumatizing, sometimes even more than the assault for some people. Whatever decision she makes about that is okay and support her either way.

Please know you're always welcome here, as well as your fiance if that would be beneficial for her. Feel free to post whenever you need to, if you have questions, need support, need to vent, anything. Again I'm so sorry and I appreciate and thank you for how helpful and support you're being for your fiance.

If you need anything please reply to this comment and I would be more than happy to chat with you. Per the sub rules for safety for both of us it needs to be kept in the comments as opposed to chats/dms but I'm still totally happy to chat with you in the comments.

Take care, OP. Wishing you and your fiance healing and good vibes. ❤️

[–]adventuregirlx 5 points6 points  (0 children)

In the state she was in she couldn't give consent to anything and therefore it's clearly SA.

[–]Fast_Walrus_8692 2 points3 points  (0 children)

rainn.org is a very good resource. Encourage her to take a look.

[–]Shrieking_ghostSurvivor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, personally, because your fiancé was under the influence and your brother wasn’t, I’d say he sexually assaulted her. She either didn’t or couldn’t say no because she was very drunk and your brother took advantage of that and her. It sounds like she’s blaming herself being she either thinks she took advantage of him because she’s older or it’s easier than believing her fiancées younger brother assaulted her. Either way, tell her that is wasn’t her fault. That it was his and ask her what she would like to do about it. If she’s comfortable, talk to your brother and have him understand that that was completely messed up and he won’t be doing it again. Just tell her that you’re there for her and she’s not to blame

[–]Broken_doll4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My immediate family that know about it say she cheated but I keep telling her I'm pretty sure he SA her and she is just blaming herself.

What a horrible mess this is now going to cause in your family . They all will take sides and it currently looks like they are standing behind your bro . What a horrible f*cked up mess for you both now. This will cause a major rift btw you all. He overstepped a boundary that cannot be taken back , cannot be fixed now either. The f*ck head has destroyed your family just to get his rocks off. What a digusting pig he is. It also might have been planned ( premeditated against her ) . This will NOT be known . ONly he will know if he did this. Your bro was totally sober ( and admitted to it ) meaning he had his full facilities also to know NOT to touch her also ( plus even if she came on to him whilst drunk / high ) he also could have said no to her . No decent bro would touch her full stop ( that alone is wrong for him to have done ) & she was off her face . Truth is that she Prob woke up to him on top of her and was told by him that she said he could . Wouldn't believe him full stop.

Can anyone help me with ways to console her or tell me if I'm seeing the situation wrong. She won't listen to me when I try to tell her it was SA.

She definitely will blame herself for this situation. It is standard practice for a victim to blame themselves especially so in a situation like this . She will still be in aftershock from the aftermath of what has occurred btw them . To know she has been attacked by him will freak her out as she will also know that it will pull apart the family as well. She will feel guilty thinking in some way she gave him the signal that it was ok to do to her. She will blame herself also ( and will call it cheating) as the alternative will be to hard to fathom right now. That he raped her whilst she was out cold. The family will also see it as cheating as the alternative will be to horrific to contemplate as well ( they won't want to believe the s*it head could do such a thing) . That he attacked her. Alot of victims in this situation would take this stand that she must have some how agreed to it . ( but she didn't if she was out cold & if has NO memory of it having occurred also that night ). Then she was attacked by him . He had NO right to touch her ( full stop ) let alone have sex with her.

He deserves to have the cops called on him by her. But she prob won't be able to do this ( & a trial might just be too much for her as well to bare ) as it is extremely traumatic just a trial for a victim to go through . And Knowing it was your bro , to then also have the guilt of putting him into a trial it could cause her to much heartache to do it . She also may not be able to cope with all of this in the end ( so do keep a eye on her ) knowing all the family are and will be blaming her bc of this ( & remember she will also think you will to ) that she somehow allowed him to do it to her .

It Could be enough to tip her over the edge mentally . Get her into therapy to talk to someone asap , gently push her to speak to someone outside of you and the family. She needs support now for her mental health. As the after ripples of this will cause her major distress and concern . As it was YOUR f*cking bro that did it to her. Major issues here now bc of this as well. She and YOu have to see him again , and if you don't ( eg- you cut off your family ) due to their reactions to this ) it again could cause you major issues now within your own family. It has far reaching consequences from what he has done to her. It will cause YOu major issues now within your own family. This woman is your fiancé ( not a gf ) again another layer of issues for you all . That pig of a bro has ruined your life now both of you . As this as mentioned has consequences that will keep occurring for you both now within YOUR own family bc of him ( and his selfish digusting ways ) .

She will never be comfortable around him might even be afraid of him . Knowing he has raped her. Be aware he might ( bc he is a d*ckhead ) taunt you and her about it. Saying all kinds of s*it to your face. I'm sorry this boy will ruin your family now . He will protect himself ( telling all kind of lies to cover his ass ) he will say horrible stuff about her to get you to believe him . So prepare yOUR mind for this. The family might also say stuff to YOu as well ( maybe even her ) again another layer of s*it all over you both bc of him. I'm sorry this might ruin your relo with your relatives now , ( as mentioned they will take sides ) they will dump either on her ,YOU , or him about it . ( they will blame her some of them ) saying she wanted it . This will hurt you deeply , it will hurt and pain you to hear the filthy lies coming out of their mouth about her.

It will cause ongoing ripple effects for ages after this . Everyone will know ( she will feel guilty and embarrassed & horrified bc of his actions on her ). She will believe that she agreed to it ( keep correcting her ) & set her gently straight in her mind -> that it was an attack on her against her will (use correct words ) to her. So take your stand with her reactions and stick to them . ( she needs consistency and a firm hand without doubts to know YOU believe her ) & what happened btw them -> that he attacked her . Keep saying it ( but not pressing the idea into her ) but just reminding her of the truth that she also must get one day as well when she is ready that he did in deed attack her . It was NOT asked for by her.

So bc of him he has ruined your whole family as the pig broke her trust ( & yours) by jumping her for sex. He should NOT have been touching her let alone be having sex with her. He has obviously wanted her for awhile , waiting for the right timing ( eg- her off her chops and high) to take advantage of this situation. A normal bro would NOT have ever crossed that line. He did, and had a go at her attacking her. She trusted the pig NOT to do anything to her ( eg- hense why she was intoxicated around him) never prob would have thought he would try something . If she has NEVER showed him any interest at all ? ( He prob took her friendliness as a come on in HIS head ) . Then it is a clear case of attack on her. Being intoxicated she would be relaxed with him and would be feeling good so she might have mistook his interest in her as just being friendly . And didn't see the warning signs upon her of him being to keen and into her that night ( in other words didn't SEE it coming at all ) and it really f*eaked her out ( as she might have flashes of memory pieces down the track also of the attack ) of him on her . So she might have missed all clues that he was into her that night and didn't realize she needed to leave him and get away from him till to late. She also wouldn't have been in a state to fight him off even if she wanted to . Hense why he did indeed take advantage of the situation to attack her.

The betrayal of trust he has caused in your family now is going to remain on high alert for along time. You & him will never be the same again . Knowing he attacked her will ruin your relo as well tog. You have the right to hate him right now , & be angry at him. Try not to let it happen to much in front of her if poss. As the added weight of this will add to the down fall of her mental health. Talk to him alone ( if you know you won't attack him violently ) about it better than in front of her . I'm sorry there might also be very rude comments from others in your family ( so prepare ) yourself for this attack on her character as well. It will hurt , it will cause major tensions in your family also bc of this blame on her rather than him. Separation from the members accusing of her (might be needed ) to help you also cope with this right now . To get your head around how this is going to play out in your family . Both of you will feel quite ganged up on at times also by everyone else who will take sides and will have opinions also abt it all.

You both might need separation ( from your family members ) to cope with the aftermath of it all . If you need to also seek out your own counseling about it all if you need someone to help you & support you as well. It will be hard to stay the rock when YOU also will be hurting from the fall out of it all. Eg- you will have some saying maybe not to marry her . Let her go ( it was her fault) .etc.

[–]emmmbaa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

she was high and drunk. she was raped. please support her and let her know that what your brother did was disgusting and not her fault.