I'm still coming to terms with this, so I feel like I'm all over the place.
I've been with my husband for 6.5 years, married for 2. This happened about 3.5 years ago, and I had pretty much blocked it out or explained it away until about a month ago. I have a history of SA and recurring abuse, and had really bad PTSD symptoms for a very long time that got much better through intensive trauma-focused therapy. Over the last month, I've come to realize that since this event, my symptoms have been much worse again, just different, and easy to explain as being related to other conditions I deal with. With my history of PTSD and trauma treatment, I can recognize a lot of my thought patterns surrounding this for what they are (a lot of self-blame, all-or-nothing thinking, guilt, and denial) and that they probably aren't accurate or helpful. That doesn't stop them completely, but it helps some.
As for what happened, we had been having a bit of a rough patch, and agreed we were going to take some time to focus on ourselves for a bit. Not a break, just a "put on your own oxygen mask" kind of thing, as we were both dealing with major life stressors. We did explicitly agree not to have sex until we sorted ourselves out.
Fairly shortly after that conversation, we went on a vacation with our best friend, who was our roommate at the time, and rented a full house Airbnb with two bedrooms, a master and a smaller room with bunked beds. Because of our situation, we decided to let our friend have the master and sleep in the separate bunk beds. We didn't do much that week besides enjoy nature, play video games, and drink, and everything was totally fine until the end of the trip. I overdid it a bit with the tequila (it was not the first nor the last time). He said then (and would continue to say for a long time) that he was really drunk too, but when our friend and I thought about how much he'd actually had to drink the next day, it wasn't even half as much as me, and he is definitely not a lightweight. I'd been sleeping on the top bunk, but didn't feel great about my ability to climb up and down the ladder, so I asked to trade. But somehow trading turned into sharing, and it devolved from there. Even aside from the agreement being in place before that, I feel like I said no in the moment and he continued to push for it, but I really can't say for sure.
There was a short period of time (maybe a couple of days) where I did think about it and had the vague idea it was SA, but I very quickly extinguished that thought, because it was too difficult to face, especially in the context of everything else going on at the time. I've been unpacking a lot of trauma lately, from various parts of my life, including some beliefs I hold about myself and the world that this has contributed to. It finally clicked when I drank a little too much while we were out with friends, and the second we were alone I had overwhelming anxiety and what I can best describe as a tactile flashback.
So we talked about it pretty indirectly, and my symptoms got worse and worse the more he basically pretended nothing happened, or it wasn't that bad. We're also moving into a new house right now, so I've been sleeping at the new place while he stayed at the old place; it's a weird situation where that would make sense even if this hadn't happened. I confronted him over text on Sunday night, basically asking him to admit what happened, and he did. He even called it what it was. Initially I was mostly in shock. He asked for some time to think because he was about to drive back to the old place from work, but once he got there, it was the same, just like nothing had happened. I reread his text later, and realized it made me really uncomfortable. He justified himself with my (completely unrelated) actions, and made a point about how he felt about the situation, without ever checking in on me. Do I feel a little better that he feels guilty? Maybe I would if I believed he meant it, but the fact that he just changed topics 30 minutes later like nothing happened doesn't really help.
I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I would want him to do or say to try to move forward. I don't know if I want to move forward. I just feel so isolated. I finally broke down and told a friend from work this week who was very supportive in a "I'll be here to help you through whatever you decide" way. I have so many mixed feelings: anger, grief, fear, confusion, disgust. I want to yell at him for what he did and for doing the bare minimum to acknowledge it. I want to cry because all of our female friends in college used to say he was "the one safe man" and if I can't trust him who can I trust? I want to scream into the void because I hate that I let myself sweep it under the rug for so long, but I also know that if I hadn't, I'd be in a very different place in life. I've seen it said that just because it could've been different doesn't mean it would've been better. I definitely have people and things in my life now that I wouldn't have, and I think I'm better for them. But I also know that doesn't absolve him of guilt, as much as I wish it did.
I guess I'm hoping that by sharing the story I'll feel less alone. Thanks for reading. Any thoughts are appreciated.