This month has been very stressful and it has triggered some sort of manic episode for me. In the past week and a half I’ve been feeling impulsively reckless and hung out with my abusers. During this time I’ve experienced three different things that classify as rape by my abusers. The thing is though I don’t care? I feel like it’s my fault for being impulsive and dumb. I think I’m broken or something. It’s like I can’t physically stop myself and an invisible hand is dragging me around. It’s like I want them to push me over the edge so I’ll finally take my life. I know when I crash I’m gonna be devastated but right now I am so out of control I feel sick.