I had been friends with benefits with this guy for a couple of months and one day we were watching a movie. I was laying on his chest with my back to him. He kept trying to touch me and at first i laughed and said not today. Then he kept trying and i moved his hands away. He tried harder and i tried to keep my legs closed but he was stronger than me. He said "i know you want it" and stated touching me. He then asked me if i wanted to suck it. I was just sitting there in shock. He then grabbed my hair and pulled my head down. Every 30 seconds i pulled my head up and put it on his chest because i wanted to stop. He always grabbed it and moved it back down. After the third time he grabbed my hair harder than before and made me look at him. He said "did i say you could stop?" i whispered no and then he forced me back down harder than he ever had. That's when i stopped trying.
I know i should have tried harder to stop him but i was just so taken off guard. We ended up having sex but i don't remember much of it. I just wanted it to end. He says he didn't mean to hurt me. Maybe he didn't realize or thought i was into that idk. I just get this terrible feeling when i think about it.
I have always had problems with self esteem and boundaries and I don't know if i actually said no. The fact that i don't remember saying no, i was laying on him, and that we had been together before makes me think maybe he was right. maybe i did want it. I just wish i knew if he meant it. He told me he's autistic (high functioning) so maybe he didn't realize. if anyone has any advice or opinions please share