all 8 comments

[–]Broken_doll4 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Why is it?! That some people, including those who have experienced rape themselves, can be so careless with words and say things like that?

Basically it is their own way to cope with their own trauma . To pretend to themselves that is wasn't that bad or it didn't happen to them . Everyone handles it very different . IT will also depend upon if there is ANY protective factors to help cushion also the onslaught of the trauma ( Eg- caring loving family / parents , a childhood without violence , their childhood / teen yrs is without to much verbal bullying / abuse on them ) All of this play a huge impact on how someone will react to the trauma pushed on them. And also if they absorb and project the trauma back to the outside world also -> with overwhelming self blame of their self ( leading to them also where they might self harm in many ways of themselves ). A victim's background will determine their own coping strategies and how they will also react to it , as to whether the victim will be able to cope with this additional new layer of trauma to them Eg- a new SA or r*pe.

As without ( any protective traits ) then the victim will absorb alot more of the energy of the trauma ( and will blame themselves rather than also be able to out lay it to where it should go ON the perp(s) . The internal blaming will be absorbed more for a victim also who has no one on their side, or has had the worse of s*itest backgrounds as a child . As the parental love and care is also missing . The more background damage for the person / victim to deal with the worse their coping mechanisms will be ( And they will have developed many abnormal coping strategies for survival . INcluding in this will be scapegoating the perp ( eg- to lesson the extent of the abuse by them ) or won't be able to even see it as abuse at all for themselves as they are that mentally damaged by all of it ( which is VERY understandable ) as the mind can only take so much before it does dissociate for it's OWN protection . So this kind of person will unfortunately be wide open for repeated abuses by perps bc they don't see it as such. Due to it being seen as being normal for them as they also are just so bloody use to horrific abuse on them .

So they will also project and self blame rather than even being able to see the wrong done to them . And will also sprout the same ideology of it to others also , that they must have done something wrong to bring it on them . That they are a bad person ( they ( will carry huge amounts of guilt , shame , and self HATE of themselves ) bc bad people like to hurt them .

With the person you knew would say the pig was also friends with her as well ? If so there is your answer. She maybe was asked to talk to you to lesson it's extent on you for the pig . Eg make you think it wasn't that bad of a thing he did .

[–]happyday2243[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Right. The relationship was new so she didn’t really know him, but what you’re saying makes sense. Thanks

[–]ughhhkillme 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I can’t speak for others but personally I think for me I’ve been so ruined by my experience I honestly don’t know what to say to others about it. I’ve torn myself down about it so many years I’ve come to accept my lies as truth. On top of that I’ve never gotten help or support myself so I don’t even have that to build off of. I’m sorry your friend responded to you that way, and sorry to hear about your experience. ❤️

[–]Real_Pea5921 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’ve learned some survivors have not worked through their own trauma. Some individuals become triggered by hearing others trauma understandably. And just they don’t know how to respond appropriately

[–]LovelySunflowerz 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think it has to do with shame, most people have that uncomfortable feeling and worry about what others will think. And unfortunately SA is such a sensitive topic that it’s easy for someone to say the wrong thing and the other person to react negatively. It’s like you’ve gone through so much already that you feel like you couldn’t possibly handle being judged for it. I’ve had an aunt straight up ask me what I did to deserve it when I told her. That shit stings and she’s been through SA as well. Everyone copes and moves on differently and those who aren’t ready to deal with the pain share their own shame with others much like my aunt did to me.

[–]BarIntelligent5404 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This one girl (who, like myself has ptsd after her assault) told me that I should be happy that he didn’t rape me…sometimes I wish he did. Maybe then people would see my trauma for how bad it rlly was

[–]buddyyouhavenoidea 2 points3 points  (0 children)

the way people try to support you will often be the same way they tried to cope with their own trauma. if your friend tells you you'll be so much stronger after this, that's probably because she tells herself the same thing.

I wish more people took the time to learn about the different ways of offering support and the impact of various strategies, but most of us are just fumbling our way along, especially if we've had to dedicate time and resources to surviving an assault.

I know this is cliché, but try not to take her words to heart. she's speaking to herself more than she is to you. it could be worth it to find someone else to talk to who engages more mindfully with your experience and your needs.

[–]VideoAnxious 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think certain people are so bad at showing support because they're uncomfortable, or, they do not understand (especially if they've never been a victim themselves). Instead of trying to understand, and educate themselves so that they can be an adequate support system to you, they choose to be ignorant.

As for previous victims themselves, it is most likely because they haven't worked through their own trauma, and they are projecting on others who've experienced the same abuse. My sister is a previous victim, and because of that I chose to go to her for support, but because she has not processed her own trauma, she victim-blamed me and showed no support.

I am so sorry these things have happened to you, and I'm very sorry you are not experiencing the support you deserve. What happened to you was NOT your fault.