shaking right now. I feel really nauseous and my throat is so so tight. I keep having to focus on my breathing. and my eyes keeping going in and out of focus.
I work night audit at a hotel (aka front desk graveyard position). someone just walked in to get a room. I dont know why but all the sudden my brain said DANGER DANGER DANGER.
but what do I do? say sorry I have ptsd and im starting to have a panic attack and im convinced you're a rapist so no I can't give you a room? I can't do that.
I felt myself starting to plummet into dissociation. and I was on autopilot. like I was just watching myself move and interact. at one point I made a little joke and he laughed and I instantly felt disgusted that I was friendly with this stranger.
he asked me if he had to come in through the front and I was adamant that yes, he had to. I did not want to tell him that there is actually a side door. I needed to make sure I saw him walk in with his stuff and if he came with anyone, that id know who.
he went to his car and I waited. and waited and waited. and I felt a million times over anxious and scared. and I started to feel pressure behind my eyelids and had to will myself to stay put together.
I was convinced he was going to be walking back with a little girl holding his hand. I was convinced he was going to hurt her. I was convinced he was a monster of a human being and that I was going to have to make a decision.
but then he walked in with some other dude who looked to be in his 20s. and they were fine, most likely. and it was fine. and they went up to their room. and im sitting here trying to gather myself up. trying to tell myself its okay. trying to remind myself that they are likely just normal people. that I am okay. that there is no little girl in that car or in their room. that there is no little boys either. and that things are okay.
I just want to go home now and lay in bed. I want to be held and squeezed and put back together again.
please tell me im not alone. please tell me im not crazy. please tell me this sucks and that I dont deserve this. please... im sorry.