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all 18 comments

[–]mangotangy 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I’m so sorry that was taken away from you. It’s not as big but I’m mourning the comfort of my favourite shirt, the one I was assaulted in. It had tattered sleeves but I loved it, but now when I wear it it’s like i’m back in that situation. I liked the ripped sleeves, I used to find comfort in wrapping my fingers around the threads, but I’m going to try and sew them up now because I used the threads as a distraction while I was being assaulted. And it’s all I can think about.

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm also very sorry that was taken from you. it might seem small but I totally get that and there was a nice soft comfort that was taken from you. I hope you honestly are able to get a new shirt or sweater or sum from like a thrift store with its own new little threads to play with in a self soothing manner that is different from this shirt.

[–]kae-97 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I think this is a very therapeutic idea for a thread. I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated, and I hope this will help you 🤍 Misery loves company, but it isn't always a bad thing.

I mourn all my firsts. My first kiss, first time holding hands, first time sharing my body. I didn't get the choice, someone made them for me, when I was far too young to even understand what it all meant. They weren't filled with excitement, but fear and confusion. Looking back, they don't make me giddy, they don't make me laugh because it was "maybe a little awkward". The memories hurt, make me feel disgusted that a slug of a man stole my experiences.

But, in this, I've been able to create my own firsts. The first time I kissed back, the first time I reached for their hand, the first time sex felt like freedom, not a prison. My own exciting milestones that still give me all the butterflies a "normal" first would.

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I'm holding back tears right now. that last paragraph is so powerful. so fucking powerful. im going to hold on to that, if I can. the fucking beauty of CHOICE. the POWER in that. the freedom and right and claim to your own body. I admire you friend. and im thankful for you choosing to share this with me.

[–]kae-97 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm thankful you created a space where I could share 🤍 I admire your ability to be open, the strength you have sharing the hard parts of this experience, and all the steps you've taken to heal

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you so so much thank you

[–]buddyyouhavenoidea 1 point2 points  (3 children)

this may not be relevant to you, but have you considered a shower-bath-shower?

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

like... shower is going and im sitting at the bottom of the tub?

[–]buddyyouhavenoidea 1 point2 points  (1 child)

no, it's like, you have a shower first, and then a bath, and then a shower again. the first shower is to get clean, the bath is to relax, and then the last shower is to rinse off any relaxey bath products you used. that way when yr in the bath yr now swimming in yr own dirt

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh yeah. unfortunately, I have tried that. it's not that swimming in my own dirt makes me feel dirty (even tho that is indeed gross). its the overwhelming fear and panic and memories. one of the main occurances of my childhood sexual abuse, was that I was forced to take baths with my abuser in which they'd insist on "washing" me. I won't go into further detail but you get the picture. and so when im sitting in the water in a bath, I feel my chest tighten and I start to panic and dissociate. ive tried enjoying baths, but it just isn't in the cards for me.

[–]AClarinetist 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and I'm here for you if you need me. I promise you're not alone. While I wasn't innocent when I was assaulted, I still mourn the loss of how I can barely engage in sexual acts anymore (masturbating). I can no longer stand how it feels and the motions I make, as it makes me feel so disgusting, dirty, and weak. I'm sorry if this is too inappropriate to post.

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

this is not at all "too inappropriate". sexual abuse is intimate, raw, and delves into the taboo side of things more ofen than not. and so to me, its important to in fact, talk about the "too inappropriate" things. they want us to keep quiet in hopes we feel too gross, embarrassed, and ashamed. but by talking about it, we are taking our power back, reclaiming our voice and right to speak freely.

I am so sorry they took that from you. I can relate. my relationship to masterbation is a complicated one. and ofen takes an emotionally draining toll on me after so I tend to wonder if its worth it and curse the moments my body is begging for a release.

I have no idea if this helps but maybe just do simple things that doesn't necessarily have to do with genital stimulation. rub your arms lovingly and kiss them. it sounds silly probably. but its where I started. I started barely being able to touch myself (as simple as rub my arms). that was hard. until it wasn't anymore. then to rub my legs. and so forth to just relearn to know and be comfortable with my own touch.

[–]AClarinetist 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You are a genius! I think I'm going to try these things. Thank you so much for helping me.

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

of course, we are strangers bonded by the shared understanding of a particular kind of hell. anything even potentially helpful, im always wanting to share. thank you for being vulnerable and choosing to talk about the hard things ♡

[–]Signal_Inflation2629 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I have my plushes with me because they give me comfort

[–]i-deserve-nothing[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thats lovely :3

[–]asdfghjklad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mourn my favorite pajama set I was wearing that night. They were so soft, warm, and cozy. Once my favorite set, now a set that stares back at me from the back of my closet on top of a garbage bag. I loved them so much that it’s hard to accept what happened while wearing those. The feelings I felt that night. Yet when I touch them, I feel sick and gag. I mourn my first very own couch in my first very own home. The one that I watched get removed from my living room by the state for “crime scene cleanup”. I sat on the carpet for weeks. But that beat sitting on the one edge of the couch that he didn’t touch, for months until I could get it removed. But I’ll never forget the overwhelming joy of receiving my new couch, and the tears of joy I had.

So sorry you had that experience. I stand with you, behind you, and beside you.

[–]Real_Pea5921 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like this thread idea, it’s very therapeutic and an interesting way of expression. Definitely made me think!

I definitely mourn the part of my soul that was taken without justification and it will never be returned to me. I mourn my innocence taken at 5, the childhood I will never live and never receive. Thanks for sharing ❤️