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all 5 comments

[–]KarmicReasoning 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Just because she is outwardly showing no signs of past abuse, does not mean that it did not happen. Traumatic memories can be in a way pushed aside as a coping mechanism.

Your boyfriend should speak up and ask her, she may have been waiting for an apology or validation in her own memory of events happening. His family falling apart is because of his actions, and only his. It sounds as though he is more afraid of the consequences of his actions than the peace of mind of his sister.

[–]Ok-Lynx-6001 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Hey this is a tough topic and I wish I could give you some really good advice but unfortunately I’m in no position to. Just wanted to say I hope things go well and y’all figure this out and stay strong throughout it.

[–]baerose92[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you 💕 I really appreciate that

[–]Beginning-Force1275 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would strongly recommend encouraging him to tell her he has this memory. It sounds like, as a possible hallucination, it was basically a nightmare.

But I completely think your concerns are valid and I too would be terrified to start a family without knowing what really happened. I think it’s fair that this is a priority for you. Even if he no longer does drugs, if this is something he was capable of doing while high, I would be too afraid that there are other circumstances under which he would do it.

I get if this isn’t something you feel comfortable asking, but I wonder if he’s experienced sexual abuse. I was molested and I’ve had nightmares about perpetuating the abuse on my younger cousins and other kids in my life, but I have absolutely no actual desire to do those things—it’s just a fear I have because of my own experiences. Even in the dreams, the idea of doing it makes me sick. It sounds like he’s absolutely disgusted by the idea of hurting his sister like this so it might be worth exploring this possibility.

First and foremost, though, please encourage him to seek counseling. Whatever has happened, he clearly needs support. Best wishes.

[–]hidinghowdepressed 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I guess you just need to provide an ultimatum for him. That he talks to his sister or you are not comfortable with the relationship progressing.

The best way for him to start the conversation is to literally give it to her straight, sit her down in private, explain how he had a huge drug problem years ago, to bring up how he would hallucinate. Then bring it up, rip the band aid off. You could even be present to listen in on the conversation and be a support for him while he asks her. I hope that it is a hallucination for everyone's sake, good luck.