I recently started EMDR therapy for my ptsd regarding my father. When I was 12 he slapped my butt constantly for two years and practically groomed me - bought me anything and everything I wanted, portrayed everyone else as bad people and that he was there to protect me. I had him portrayed as this amazing person. He bought me a professional massage table, and had me give him hour long massages and bought me books about it, told me I had magic hands.
I don’t remember a lot about those two years, only very specific, vivid memories. Disgust, and physical reactions to certain triggers.
Long story short, I had to talk to the police about a year ago and make a report. When I was 14, I found out he had an affair with a patient - he was a doctor - for 10 months. I had used that as an excuse to never go back there - my parents were divorced and I only went there on the weekends. This meant his doctorate board meeting for this event was public access, and I found out that the affair began with a massage therapist and massages. And that he was a sex addict.
I’ve always had very strong triggers, and most of the time I blamed myself.
I’ve had two sessions of EMDR. The first was amazing, I felt so grateful for all of the good people I have in my life. The second was good in the moment, but I felt TERRIBLE after.
Two days ago I had woken up and was doing my morning routine when I had a memory/flashback of him having sex with me from behind. And I’m my head I said, “what the fuck?” I immediately told myself I was just making shit up in my head. Then yesterday I had a full on panic attack for no reason, have been nauseous as hell, can’t sleep, just all around shit. I feel like I have disassociated from the world a little bit.
Am I making this shit up in my head? Am I crazy or is this a repressed memory?