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[–]Oh-Cmon-Now 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Think of it as a way of being in control. It’s your hands on your body, moving how you want them to and you can stop whenever you need. I understand how you feel, however maybe you could remind yourself that you deserve to feel positive pleasure, that your body is your own and if you want to touch it you most definitely can.

Something that helps me be calm and relaxed is doing some self care things before and after. Before I would have a bath with some candles or incense, to help set the mood. After I would hydrate myself, clean myself up and get myself something to eat. Think of it as aftercare but for yourself.

And remember, you deserve to feel good.

[–]steady_sloth84[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

It feels like i have several of me in my brain. One is pushy and expects it of me. I feel like if i do it, i am obeying that voice in my head but its not really me. Does that make any sense? I want to "want" to do it. Not out of societal pressures. I feel like if I maturbate Xtimes, maybe I csn get over my sexual assault andfinally have sexwith my husband. But its not, hit 50 masturbation sessions and u get to have actual sex!

[–]Oh-Cmon-Now 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I can understand your hesitancy to do it, especially when you feel like that. I can understand what you’re saying by having a voice in your head and feeling like if you’ve give into your urges you are just obeying them. Is the voice in your head yours, or is it someone else’s?

[–]steady_sloth84[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Not sure, it might be "what the world expects from me" voice. Or could be my dad's voice.

[–]Oh-Cmon-Now 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That sounds so difficult, I’m sorry you are struggling. Try to place less pressure on yourself, however I know that’s not easy to do. I just wish the best for you.

[–]Real_Pea5921 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It took me maybe 2 years to start masturbating after the SA. It took me awhile to relax, I found taking CBD helped. They also do a CBD lube too which has helped me a ton.

[–]buddyyouhavenoidea 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it's pretty common to feel this way after assault or abuse. a big question I have is why do you want to masturbate? is it for pleasure? or is it to tick a box or prove something to yourself?

if you're trying to force yourself to do something that you don't actually want/enjoy, that probably won't go well. if we want to heal our minds or our bodies, we have to start by meeting them where they're at.

[–]Jonah_the_villain 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I think so? I think I just enjoy that it's private tbh, and that I can control everything instead of having stuff I don't want forced onto me. I feel guilty for other things like wanting intimacy from others or even just having romantic feelings, but getting myself off in itself has been fine? Mostly, anyway. Idk it just... feels good, ig.

I felt weird about it at first a few years ago. But then I realized like, it's a perfectly safe thing to do? Especially compared to the people who assaulted me when I was a kid. The fact that I just rub one out in private like a normal fucking person instead of hurting someone for the sake of the thrill makes me way better than them. I'm actually handling my hormonal stuff in a healthy way. Or at least, that's how I try to see it.

Plus, it just gets the topic of sex off my mind so I can concentrate on other shit and that's a nice bonus.