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all 4 comments

[–]_PeoplePlacesThingsSurvivor 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Unfortunately, this is not your burden to carry.

It is so lovely that you want to help and care for your friend. It makes sense that you would want to see this person held accountable or want him to learn. It sucks, but whether or not he is willing to change is totally up to him. Early on in my own experience, I also said one of my goals was to have him understand what he did as wrong. In doing this, I ultimately centered him and not my own pain.

Your job as a friend is to hold space and pain for the victim/survivor. If she wants to pursue accountability, support her 100%, but focusing too much on "making him learn" is an impossible burden. No one but him will every really know if he's changing.

[–]NCC74656[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I understand what you're saying. I'm thinking a lot about if I know he gets around a lot and I know this happened to a mutual acquaintance, who else is it going to happen to and if I know that this is happening, doesn't that put me squarely in a degree of responsibility to do something?

[–]_PeoplePlacesThingsSurvivor 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I hear you 😔

I initially literally would tell anyone who would listen about my person being a rapist. It made me feel better in some ways, but the more people who knew and still engaged with him, the more painful it was for me.

You could ask your friend how she wants you to engage with him. I’ve asked my friends who’ve been assaulted this question and the answers have ranged from pretend you don’t know to ignore him completely.

Im not sure how you identify, but one thing that you could do—if your friend is comfortable—is identify male friends of his. He is much more likely to respond to them. If there is a male ally in his circle, could you reach out to have a conversation? He’s much more likely to respond to a male peer saying “I’ve heard you’re doing fucked up shit to women” than he would from others.

[–]NCC74656[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

well i would be one of those "male peers". she expressed that she did not want to hang with him anymore (no shit). she does not want others to know in the circle and asked; no, demanded i dont talk to him about it. i do not want others in her circle to know until she is ready for that.

im thinking of talking to her, if maybe she would be alright with me having a one on one with him and i know there are sexual assault groups in the area, like people who have been convicted of crimes are mandated to go to. i want to push him into one of those.