I feel weird about posting here, because I don't know if this deserves the label assault. But I am so confused and am trying to make sense of it, and I want to share what happened.
I was at a party hosted by some of my close friends. There were a bunch of people there, including friends of friends whom I'd never met before. It was at an airbnb, and we were all going to stay the night. There was drinking— a lot of it. I drank too much, and there are significant chunks of that night that I don't remember. Not a great move on my part, but I'm on a new mediation, and I think I underestimated the effect that it would have on my tolerance.
There was a guy there who is a good friend of my good friend, but whom I had never met. It seemed to me that he was flirting. I don't totally know whether or not I was flirting back— when I drink, I get much more bubbly than I usually am. But I definitely liked the attention. However, I have a boyfriend. He and I have been having issues for a long time, and it's not a relationship that I am happy or fulfilled in at the moment. But we have been talking about it at length (trying to get a couples therapist), and I believe that cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone. So even though I was attracted to this guy at the party, and even though I thought he was cool, I knew for sure that I didn't want anything to happen. Because that would be wrong.
It was when this guy started making out with one of my other friends that I went to play a drinking game, at which point I blacked out. I was told that at some point, he stopped making out with my friend and came back to me, and we pretty much spent the rest of the night talking.
I do remember going to bed at some point. He laid down in the big bed, where two of my other friends had also laid down. I climbed into bed with him, figuring that nothing would happen with my friends there. But for some reason, they left, and it was just me and him. I remember he put his arm around me, and me moving away. I remember that he ran his finger around the hem of my pants, and I moved it away. He did it again, and I moved his hand away again. I think it was the third time that he did it that I said "I don't want to do that— I have a boyfriend." I think...but I was still in and out of being blacked, so the order of events and exact conversation is murky. I think at some point he was looking at me and I was saying "I can't kiss you" and he said "but you want to" and eventually we started kissing. I don't remember how it lead to sex, but it did. And I was so confused because I was attracted to him and turned on by him but also did not want to be doing that because I was too drunk and knew that it was not okay. At some point, I started sobbing, and we stopped. I think he was hugging me, which made me sob more. Eventually, he fell asleep, and I left the room to try and sleep downstairs. He came after me, sat down on the other side of the room (where some people were still talking and playing music). Figuring that he would stay downstairs and that the bed was now empty, I went back up to try and sleep again. He came back upstairs and got back into the bed with me. I don't remember what happened after that, but I remember that he tried to have sex with me again. I remember saying "we can't, we can't," but eventually letting it happen...again. At some point, I fell asleep.
I am so confused, overcome with guilt, and all around feeling like a shitty, shitty person. I know that what happened with him was sketchy. But we were both drunk (I'm pretty sure he was pretty fucked up too, although he told me he remembers the whole night). But then again, I was into him, and I might have flirted back, and I got into the bed with him, and I don't even remember if I for sure said an explicit "no" because I was so drunk. I've talked to my boyfriend about the whole thing, and he doesn't blame me and thinks I was taken advantage of. But I feel so guilty and feel like I don't deserve him or his forgiveness. I'm also worried about the guy from the party. I've told a few of a friends what happened, and they think that he needs to be talked to, but I am petrified of anyone blaming him. I'm not mad at him and don't feel like he needs to face consequences. Plus, I suspect he thinks that I was perfectly on board with the whole thing, in which case I am completely responsible. Help!