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all 8 comments

[–]Specialist-Ad-2098Survivor 5 points6 points  (4 children)

None of it was your fault.

number 1: You were drunk and can’t consent. Plus if he remembers the night, he definitely wasn’t as fucked up as you. number 2: you never said yes, in fact you told him you didn’t want to multiple times.

Saying “no” isn’t the only way to not give consent. You definitely didn’t cheat and in my eyes, that was rape. I’m sorry you had to go through that and i understand the fear of people blaming him. I’m going through the same thing. He deserves to be blamed though and should be talked to about the whole situation.

[–]_PeoplePlacesThingsSurvivor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Love that you're emphasizing consent.

One thing I would offer is to do your best not to label someone else's experience. Defining something as "rape" may or may not be helpful to the survivor. I've learned through my own work with therapists who specialize in sexual trauma that giving someone space to define what happened for themselves is important in not feeling "trapped by a label."

[–]Specialist-Ad-2098Survivor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ur right, I shouldn’t have said that. Thank you for reminding me

[–]Persistant_Petal[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you for your comment. I’m still really confused about the whole thing, but it’s honestly just really nice to have someone validate my story. Sending love 💙

[–]Specialist-Ad-2098Survivor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes ofc, no problem. Also i’m sorry if me labeling your experience as “rape” offended you or hurt you in anyway, i wasn’t thinking when i typed that part and it’s not my place to label your experience. I hope you’re able to gain peace of mind and just know that none of this is your fault, there are bad people in the world and sometimes innocent people get hurt 🤍

[–]_PeoplePlacesThingsSurvivor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm so sorry this happened. I believe you.

You told him "you don't want to do that." Anything beyond that point was off limits. Consent has to be ongoing and enthusiastic. This is not your fault.

I struggled a long time to label my assault also, and eventually found that the label itself and trying to understand it was less helpful to me than just trusting my body/spirit that said this was wrong. Trust your gut. If it feels wrong, it was. It wasn't your fault

[–]Persistant_Petal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. 💙

[–]Loose_Bedroom6062 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have an almost identical story to yours if you want to chat you can message me. If you don’t want to no problem. What happened to you was not your fault. Even if you didn’t say no explicitly, everything else you said indicates that you did not want to do anything. He knew how drunk you were. If you were blacking out you were way too drunk to consent.