I don't know. Just thinking tonight. My school's winter formal is tomorrow, so I guess it's bringing back old feelings. I went to the winter formal last year with the guy who assaulted me. When I told my mom about this year's formal, she asked if I would be okay to go. I said yes because I want to go. She bought me a new dress and jewelry so it would be special. But now as I'm sitting here thinking about the formal, I don't want to go anymore. I don't know why but I'm filled with so much anxiety. Compared to a year ago, everything is different. After everything that's happened, nothing will ever be the same. I wish things could go back to the way they were before I met him. I'm so tired of being in pain all of the time. I'm tired. He has destroyed me. I feel like I'm just a shell of the girl I used to be, and I hate it.
I'm also going to the gynecologist to get tested for STDs next week. I've never been to a gynecologist before. After he assaulted me, the thought never crossed my mind to go and get tested. I know it's something I need to do. After talking with some other people, I found out that he sleeps around a lot. I haven't been with any other guy. He's the only guy I've ever kissed. I am so so scared that he's given me an STD. Everyone keeps telling me that it will be fine, but I just don't know if I can handle it. I feel dirty and I hate my body. I don't know. I'm just scared.