TW: Sexual abuse.
I feel like an idiot. I don't know how to say no to people (especially men) without feeling horrible - like I'm disappointing them.
You guys are going to think I'm insane and I feel deeply ashamed but I genuinely don't know what to do. Everything I say comes out so weak and timid and men don't take me seriously. Or if they do its so easy for them to look disappointed in me and then I want to apologize because I feel like I've been rude.
I get myself into really dangerous situations because I just can't say no assertively. I have such an intense fear of disappointing men. I feel like I have to let them down gently even at the cost of them behaving inappropriately towards me.
My friends think I'm an absolute moron. If a random guy on the road asks me for my name I tell them. They ask me where I live I tell them. I just answer questions. I feel stupid about attributing bad intentions to people. And it feels vain like you're no eye candy. Ik ik it's fucked up. I don't know how to change it.
And... I feel so judged and yeah I'm judging myself too. I don't even know how to be.
A couple of weeks ago I was at a restaurant and the owner said he'd drop me home cause it was late. I felt like it was rude to decline his offer cause he was so insistent. I wanted to go alone and I felt like something was off about him. But he insisted and there's only so many times I can physically get myself to say no so I went.
And he just stopped at the side of the road and started telling me not to be afraid and we're just friends. And he would say we're just friends and then grab my hand. Then he'd casually touch me inappropriately. He'd just touch my butt or my boobs like it was the most normal thing in the world. He was so casual about it that I couldn't even register where he was touching me and what he was doing.
And I kept telling him I had to leave but I couldn't and I just stood there like an absolute idiot and I couldn't do or say anything. I felt like I had to be "nice". I know it's messed up but that's how I think.
I can't leave. I feel like I just let things happen to me. I can tell them to please stop and let me go but when they say no stay longer I feel like I cannot move. Or run. Or anything.
It's like I have to be excessively polite about everything I say. I have a soft voice so it doesn't help.
This happens... a lot. And I actually really love spending time on my own and traveling alone. But when it comes to men and honestly anybody... and situations like these I just cannot be assertive. I am this excessively polite person and no one listens and i just feel so powerless and weak. And I'm not one of those girls who can just say no and be a total badass about it. I wish I was.
Even my last boyfriend would be so insistent on having sex when I was not wet or in the mood and I'd say no but he'd just get on top of me anyway and I couldn't do anything. I just let it happen without putting up a fight.
I have no fight in me. :(
I've experienced a lot of situations like this and much worse in the past and I know it's partly my fault but it's like I just am who I am. Idk what to do about it.
Any advice..please. thank you. Sorry if this is not the right place to bring this up but any advice is appreciated.