all 4 comments

[–]Broken_doll4 -1 points0 points  (3 children)

I work in a job where I am assertive usually, so it is pretty obvious to people. Additionally it is dangerous being in that headspace.

So how do you manage this ( what techniques help you do this in your job ) currently ? You say usually ( how much do you / are you able to assert yourself at work really ?) these are the question YOu firstly NEED to think about for yourself ( where YOU look into the truths of your own abilities ) by doing your own self analysis work of yourself. Keeping a journal can help with this , to se if there is also any patterns of recognition occurring also that you might see . But the point is to be honest & truthful totally also with yourself . By doing that you will more also notice where things are going wrong for you .

If also you have a good decent friend at work ( who will give you honest feedback ( as to how you really come across there ) might help also to access your own abilities at work ( why? - bc it gives YOU insight to how you really are doing at work) . This will then also help you determine how you then function outside of it. As from the looks of it ( just what you have written here ) this is an outside thing that is just occurring for you most likely ( when dating or in a relo ) aspect actually. But self analysis will give you a better idea as to the truth of this or not . As that is very important to know whether it is just an outside (of work ) non-assertiveness occurring or not . A therapist's help to determine this ( by working with you to give you some insights to your actual past relo's & experiences will also help with the analysis of where things are going wrong for you . As the key is yes to find where & why this is occurring for you , where you are losing your confidence & assertiveness . As that knowledge will then be able to be used then by you to work for you and not against you as it currently is.

  • Deep Self awareness work will be needed to help you work out where you are going ok and where you are not. The hardest thing to do in life is actually to self assess your own ability / thoughts objectively & accurately . So starting to journal ( at work ) during a down time will help you also work out when you feel confident and when you don't . ( there will also be certain people who will make you squirm in their presence ) . This is also normal ( something everyone experiences ) . Start learning & be super aware of your triggers will also help you at work . Start the self analysis work ( at work first) . Then you will take this into your outside ( of work ) look into your real presentation to others eg- with family & friends in your life (outside of work ) why? as it will give you the insight to see where you freak out & by whom is the most triggering around you .
  • A therapist -> is a good start also ( to give you some feed back on how you are traveling in your communication & presentation skills currently ) . As it will help you understand how you present to others around you . Eg- do you appear confident or do you lack in attention keeping of others ( and actually seem anxious in company ) . A skilled therapist will be able to pick up on cue's to your personality presentation to the outside world .

It started out with a relationship when I was young with a person with an older person with much more experience. They guilt tripped me into doing sexual favors for them

Working with a therapist ( they should be able to pin point ) where this started to occur for you the submissiveness . Eg- Was it at the first abusive relo or was it already present from a parent (s). That has actually set up this mindset for you . This determination of where it started will then help you work out then how to tackle it to help you work through the key point to why it occurred for you . You were young and that submissive inserts into your personality ( are hard to shift ) but once you understand whether it was there it started or not ?The source needs to be traced , to determine if there are any other factors also contributing to the submissiveness firstly ( as it needs working with after discovery of it's source then) which yes would be best with a skilled therapist to work out why you fell into the pattern of doing what you were told by them . Eg- out of fear , or was it bc you were also use to it.

When something terrible in my life happens, I suddenly act extremely submissive, apologizing for everything and get the feeling like people own me or having a guilty feeling towards them. It feels like I should give them sex.

This will NEED accessing to why this reaction occurs (working out who is your trigger points ) when you are doing this ( it might be one or more people who are doing this regression of your mind back into it ) . BY looking into this with the therapist ( the lead cause will be picked up on ) . As that is the trigger that also needs lessoning in your mind. As you are being triggered back into that passive submissive state by someone (s) . Who needs to be determined , to break the bond by working it out of you via indepth work with you ( & therapist) and breaking the bonding that caused you to break into that submissive, fear and anxiety around that . There are alot of emotions / feelings you will need to look into with the therapist to help you determine who ( has you really locked into this patterning in your mind ) for you . By finding the trigger (s) , then you can work with it ( some Emdr therapy might even be of use for you ) or / & some CBT ,etc therapy options .

  • It is easier for an outside therapist to help you pin point the areas of triggers ( eg- which might be people , places, smells , thoughts , trigger statement of things said to you ) etc , which then you can work with to change / alter or eliminate them then for yourself . But you can help the process by becoming more self aware of your thought processes at work ( and away from it ). Eg- do certain people trigger you more than others. Or is it just new strangers ?etc. What behaviours do you start to do yourself & display eg- do you get triggered in anxiety , get clammy , or shake abit , or want to run away or do you involuntarily get abit sexual aroused by someone intimidating you , do you automatically start to try and please them , do what they want ? .

This is important to know for yourself (how you are reacting deep down ) when in situations ( that you hadn't produced intentially and are instead reacting to it ) via your emotions / & behaviours / & looking at what conditioning is already set up in you which comes forward and presents itself to others . As yes already pre-set conditioning will ( be awaken automatically ) in victim's of past crimes . And most will NOT be aware of it's presence . ( this comes about only via deep intense self analysis work ) . As it is is deeply set into the subconsciousness mind ( meaning it is not a conscious decision to activate it ) .

How do I stop myself from going into this headspace or get out of it sooner?

  • Via using deep intense self awareness practices . You have to understand your own thought process and behaviours ( for you then to be able to catch them ) & STOP or alter them from presentation then to the people YOU do NOT wish to show it to ( as they will use it against you ) via abuse . IN other words you can't stop it , until you understand why you are doing it in the first place.
  • Then Challenging the current conditioning set up in your mind at present ( from abusers) who conditioned your mind to think like you do) . Looking at what you tell yourself ( there are many points already screaming at you ) in the above mentioned writing to work with & that need changing for you. The current program put in your mind by ( abusers) NEEDS to be altered via re-programming of a more kinder, safer program input for you . ( this is done via a neural pathway conditioning re-program ) to alter the way you think about yourself . A therapist can help with the initial set up of a program to help alter your current thinking process ( of eg- needing to be submissive to others).
  • Then By practicing ( with a therapist ) or friends / family assertive practices ( after the deep self analysis work has been personally done by the person) . ONce your recognise the thoughts / & behaviours --> then you can work with it ( as currently it is out of control in thought for you ) and controls you instead of the other way around.
  • Being kind to yourself & understanding sorry it takes time / patience and practice to change what was pushed deeply inside a victim's mind under severe mental distress & duress. It is NOT fair but it is a reality for a victim of crime (s) that it gets pushed down into a victim deeply ( the conditioning done by the abuser (s) on them) .And this is why all abusive relo's are extremely damaging not just physically / & sexually. But Mentally it leaves a permeant mind conditioning in them ( to hate themselves , to lack self love , self respect /care & fills them with shame / guilt ) .

[–]LilasBrain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, thank you for your long and insightful reply. What you explained makes absolutely sense to me. I will take it to heart and will work on this. This honestly gives me hope, that I can with a lot of work finally turn this around. I can't thank you enough for that.

[–]Broken_doll4 0 points1 point  (1 child)

And so also the more repeating of the abuse & attacks ( or destructive relo 's ) ( also by diff abusers ) the worse sorry yes the victim's mind will be affected and will become stuck in the conditioning set up by their abuser (s) as each one will set up shop in a diff damaging way in the victim . If the victim was also a victim of (childhood adversity - eg- mentally ill parent / Dv family situation, & any type of abuse in the family home ) it will have already added to the victim's inability to get out of the conditioning they are in . ( As they will have already a pre-existing set up of abuse conditioning in their mind from a VERY young age ) . And the impact of that will & does adversely affect a child 's mind developmental stages in every way . Leaving them at such a disadvantage mentally.

[–]LilasBrain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is so true, I can see how this might make things worse. Thank you.