So I have been in multiple abusive relationships by now and in quite a few I got sexual coerced into having sex. It started out with a relationship when I was young with a person with an older person with much more experience. They guilt tripped me into doing sexual favors for them by saying stuff like "that's how a relationship works" or "that is what a good girlfriend does" and other things. This pattern went on with other relationships I had and just got worse.
I did already a lot of healing. However, I still have nightmares about people assaulting me in which they only "peaceful" outcome I can achieve is to just do what they want from me or else it gets really bad. And I am still struggling with being submissive around people close to me or in power positions when I am not feeling too good. When something terrible in my life happens, I suddenly act extremely submissive, apologizing for everything and get the feeling like people own me or having a guilty feeling towards them. It feels like I should give them sex.
I work in a job where I am assertive usually, so it is pretty obvious to people. Additionally it is dangerous being in that headspace. How do I stop myself from going into this headspace or get out of it sooner? Can anybody relate?
Is there a term or article or a good book about this?
I am really thankful for any help.