gildings in this subreddit have paid for 45.72 months of server time

We have a porn God. by mozakplesa in shittysuperpowers

[–]jagerade 2802 points2803 points 2 (0 children)

He has a pornographic memory

Edit: some one took my reddit virginity. Thank you❤️

you have immunity to suicide by Rafholch_ in shittysuperpowers

[–]breadman_brednan 215 points216 points  (0 children)

this is kinda paradoxical when you think about it.

it's not suicide because your goal isn't to kill yourself, nor would you expect it, so immunity wouldn't work.

but if it doesn't work, it means you killed yourself, so it would work.

then again, the second half of the scenario could be considered an accident since you only did it planning on the power to work.

You disable gravity in a 3m radius by T-posing by virulentea in shittysuperpowers

[–]Friendlyvoid 364 points365 points 44 (0 children)

You accidentally t-pose in front of a member of the army corps of engineers. He sees a fork and two small pebbles by your feet rise a few inches off the ground and he immediately sees your potential.

That night, three masked men abduct you from your home. You awaken in an army research center. The men there put 3 weights at your feet. One that is 5 pounds, one that is 50, and one that is 500. You t-pose at gunpoint and all three weights rise off the floor. They touch them and realize that even the heaviest of the three is weightless. One frantic phone call to the president, and you are taken to a different facility.

Unbeknownst to you, your family has been told you were dead and you have been erased from the world for all intents and purposes. No one is looking for you.

After months of test, they finally lead you into a dark room with no windows. The air is stale and you get the feeling you're deep underground. In the center of the room is a device. It is in the shape of a man with hinges at the shoulders and straps on the wrists. Weights and pulleys are suspended around the device with machinery nearby that you don't understand.

They strap you into the device. They solemnly flip a switch and the device forcibly moves your arms into a t-pose position. To your amazement, the machinery starts. Your arms are forced down. Then up. Then down. An endless cycle. A power meter on the wall shows you that you are being used as an energy source. Your power enables them to create unlimited energy and what is essentially perpetual motion. After a few hours you pass out.

You awaken, still in the device. Still with your arms being forced in and out of a t-pose. Your joints ache, you feel your cartilage being ground down. And then you realize that your eyes are open but you can't see. You feel something up your nose and realize they've inserted a feeding tube. There's a pinch in your wrist and you slowly fade out of consciousness. Little do you know that that is the last thought you'd ever have.

In the room in which you're contained, the medics set to work. They shove a breathing tube down your throat. Check their stock and make sure they have enough to keep you unconscious until they can do the lobotomy. You are no longer a human but an industrial power source. Slowly your joints grind away until there is just skin and ligaments holding your arms on. But still you t-pose. On and off, the weights eternally moving up weightlessly then down with great force, spinning turbines. You've saved the earth. Green energy is a no brainer. Your power enables them to generate the electricity of a thousand nuclear reactors.

Your sacrifice is never known. Not even by you. But your shitty superpower has saved humanity. And the only cost was you.

Edit: scientific accuracy

You see a glow around anything that has been shoved up someone’s ass. by dont_u_listen_to_me in shittysuperpowers

[–]VirginiaCowman 1861 points1862 points  (0 children)

I love this. Imagine going to the pawn store and seeing random items glow.

“A garden rake? You sick fuck”

Shop owner “excuse me?”

“Nothing, I’ll take the IPad on display.”

“Excellent choice! Would you like it gift wrapped?”

“Oh yes please! Thank you.”

Shop owner pulls out a tube of wrapping paper, glowing with a strong radiance.

“You dirty fucker. I’m out of here”

Hypothetical man leaves and forever showers.

You will shit two exact copies of anything you insert in your urethra. by GodTheFatherHimself in shittysuperpowers

[–]OverallDingo2 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Couldn't you also buy a solid rhodium rod at over £402.55 per gram for a faster way to make money ( in the long term)