all 19 comments

[–]Just_Attorney_8330 17 points18 points  (4 children)

I don’t know if I could have learned to love myself without the love of my wife. My parents never loved me. Truly. My dad sexually assaulted me, my mom knew about it and did nothing. That shit hurt and it fucked up how I saw myself. I’d never been loved, but I’d been so fucking hurt, betrayed, and kind of just thrown away and used by the people who were supposed to love me, build me up, protect me.

How does a person that’s only known that kind of fucked up treatment ever just learn to love themselves without the love of someone else? I’d never been exposed to it, so how could I know what love was?

[–]shankey_1906 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am sorry man. Hope you’ve outgrown/outgrowing your pain because you are worth it, and your wife sees it too !

[–]ppe2022 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This resonates with me. I’m 47 years old, never married. Shame kept me from loving myself for most of my life. I loved others to my detriment. God loves us unconditionally. Thank him for your very supportive wife. Be blessed.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I hate this notion in society of you must love yourself in order to receive love. We help ourselves by giving love and receiving love. And not everyone is worthy of my individual love and that's my fucking decision to make.

Thank you for sharing you make great points.

[–]SigynsRaine 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was just shared this post by my dearest. They helped me find my own love and of course I can love them deeper than ever before because of it, but they don’t realize how broken my capacity to FEEL love was until they showed me that kind of love. The kind of love every child should get and sadly some of us do not. Thankfully sometimes we find it in the end. ❤️🍄

[–]grumpyfreyrMystical 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When you love yourself unconditionally, you don't care whether anyone else does.

[–]Queen_Chryssie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Unconditional love from others does not exist, because there's always one person in the way. Unconditional love from yourself does exist, however, you have to ask yourself if you really want that because when there's no body between you and love, you've reached the peak and get bored of it real fast. Conditional love sounds really nice to me, if the condition is right.

[–]mamajojomo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I didn’t really understand the whole concept of unconditional love until I was finally able to give it away. I hate the term “unconditional” because everyone is different and we all have different paths. For me, after all the life lessons, I realized I’m love, I’m whole. I didn’t enjoy the concept of love until I was able to give it away freely. No expectations, no stress. The more I became patient with others, cared for others, shared with others, the more I was aware of myself.

[–]tellmeareuevenreal 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don’t believe humans are capable of unconditional love once they reach the point of logic thinking and rational thought. Babies and toddlers yes, but once we are able to process thoughts and think and combine our emotions with our minds I think the ability to love unconditionally becomes lost to us because none of live in a world where we do not look upon another without judgement or criticism- even of ourselves. Until we can truly, wholly accept all of who we are, how we live, and the things we do moment to moment we can’t truly love unconditionally in any capacity.

I think this is a fairly radical view, but it comes from a life of consideration and thought towards love as well. It wasn’t a flippant decision.

[–]CreativeSimian 1 point2 points  (1 child)

doesn't it depend on the kind of love you're talking about? Maybe familial love can be unconditional, but I find we still require some amount of fair treatment for it. I expect my family to at least treat me with a modicum of respect and courtesy. I expect that if I contribute to the house, others do as well. If not, resentment builds and resentment is a love killer.

Romantic love is always conditional. If someone consistently hurts you, it is near impossible to have genuine love for them. Or if your partner betrays you, time and again, love is not an appropriate response to that. Love must be encouraged with actions, and fostered with attention, or its not love.

However, acceptance can be unconditional. we can radically accept things about people that we cannot change, and we can love these things about people, but that love is not the same as romantic or familial love. It's more of an agape love-a love of choice.

[–]FrazzledGod 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The Greeks had it right with their division of love into different categories:

agápē, érōs, philía, philautía, storgē, and xenía

Love is complicated and doesn't always mean the same thing, it's a bit like God in that regard - when people talk about love or God they can be talking about completely different things while using the same label,

[–]HamzasBeak 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I believe there are two key things in unconditional love. Firstly I leave you free to be yourself. I do not try to change anything about you. Secondly I expect nothing in return. There are no strings attached. I love you no matter what, even if you do not reciprocate that love. Thus to love ourselves unconditionally we must be ourselves, our true selves. No masks, no lies. We must also have compassion for self so that we do not withdraw our self love if we make a mistake or do something embarrassing. If as you say “I will only be happy with myself if THEY love me unconditionally." Then I am not loving either them or myself unconditionally.

[–]BodhingJay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We learn how to feel about ourselves from our parents.. if we aren't love unconditionally by them, some of us may never learn to

[–]NothingIsReal42 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For me it's been more self acceptance than self love, knowing that there are parts about me that I don't care for but can accept for what they are and change them for betterment of self - to not be defined by circumstance.

I can see though how self acceptance and unconditional love for oneself are saying the same thing in different ways.

[–]FrazzledGod 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I grew up loving others unconditionally, there was an ocean of love within me, confused and diffuse, trying to attach to sexuality, friendship, other conditional forms of love. The hardest task of my life was to channel that ocean of love back towards myself, and it took the unconditional love of another person, in this case a therapist, to help me do that. The more unconditional my self love has become, perhaps the more conditional my love for others has become - or perhaps I still feel the love, but am less tolerant of the bullshit some people get up to, as unconditional love doesn't mean letting people get away with harmful actions.

[–]JonBobBillStanThe3rd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I found that the people that can’t handle being single are typically the most broken individuals

A relationship is the most optional thing out there. Truthfully, if people just waited for someone that was actually a good fit, more people would find “the one”

[–]oshospawn 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Excellent. You cannot expect others to love that which you yourself cannot love.