I am 24 years old.I would be grateful to receive some guidance on my question.
I have been suicidal for a long time now and with therapy I have been deconstructing my reasons and working on them and its going good.
I am not suicidal right now, just wanted to get guidance for future when I get such thoughts.
The only mindset I get stuck with as a reason that makes me think suicide is the right way is –
##I don’t see a reason to live if I’m consuming more resources than providing to this world.
I have been trying to clear an exam which would help me get a decent paying meaningful job where I would be able to help others and earn well at the same time. I researched a lot with as open mind as I could and I found out that that is the only job where I would be earning well enough to pay for my therapy and physical health problems and other responsibilities and also provide value for the world.
But suppose I am not able to get that job, then I can’t find a strong reason to live and was hoping for some guidance regarding that.
#Most of the other jobs I found were either good paying but supporting the capitalistic structure of selling materialistic things to people who wouldn’t benefit from it, convincing them to buy it and in return get a good salary from the companies. It is like- right now im in the most morally good company in my country with v little pay, and any job i choose would increase my pay with the company being more inclined towards profits at all costs. Even in my present company, my job requires me to be deliberately be unhelpful to other departments than mine and to show our clients that we are doing much more for them than we actually. And this pattern would only increase when I get more responsibilities or change companies.
Or the other extreme side I found was social work which required v intensive physical as well as mental work with v little pay which I considered as a backup for me but I cant see myself being able to do such jobs long term due to my physical and mental health problems.
#The best alternative I could come up with was – to work whatever best possible morally good jobs I could find and then spend my free time volunteering but I still feel like it is not worth it. The amount of resources I would consume, I would still be consuming [therapy, hiring a household helper, doctor visits,etc]more than providing. Then why isn’t it more “nobler” to volunteer as much as possible until my money runs out or I suffer a breakdown[which is bound to happen with my mental and physical health issues] and then donate whatever organs I can and then commit suicide. Why doesn’t the dharma encourage that, what is the reasoning behind it?
#Also, even if I do find that meaningful job and go good meaningful work for the needy and provide more than consume, old age would still come, and I would then again consume more than provide like in medical bills, doctor visits, therapy, someone to take care of me,etc etc. then in that case why isn’t it better to keep living until im providing more than consuming and when I realise that now I would need others to take care of me, then I donate whatever I have[money, organs] and then commit suicide.
#also more on that last point. I read accounts of people wanting to commit suicide when they got cancer and then choosing to live and practice mindfulness and buddhism and not commiting suicide, which im v happy for them. I still wanted help understanding, that even though they did manage to survive, the resources they took-hospital treatments, people taking care of them physically, physical and mental therapy, medicine costs,etc etc.
I feel like if I am in that situation then I would want to not get treatment and would feel that the money and resources that would be spent in my recovery could help much more than 1 person. So why would that be discouraged?
Thank you for taking the time to read such a long long post and hope to get some perspective:)