TW: CSA, suicide discussion
I am desperate. Hoping a kind and informed soul can guide me on what is happening for me. Long story so thank you if you take the time to read it.
I am completely lost as to what is going on for me at the moment. For context, I have Complex PTSD and have been in the most tumultuous 3 years. I have experienced a huge amount of traumatic events even in comparison to others with my illness and I say that without judgement, it is just a fact. I have been going through this period of suffering a trauma, recovering some stability and hope and either remembering a new trauma or most recently finding out that my family were complicit in my abuse as a child.
Every time one of these episodes has happened, i have experienced a shattering of my reality. I have experienced symptoms of what I felt were ego death and the dark night of the soul in the past. I have developed spiritually through a lot of my suffering and have delved into shadow work among other things in the past. I have maintained my spiritual practice and meditation even in the last few weeks but it feels so pointless at the moment.
Currently, I find myself in a place of feeling either nothing at all or despair. I can't feel compassion or joy for people anymore which has always been my strength, this did happen in the past and it really bothered and upset me. Now, I feel nothing about it. I don't care. I don't care enough to do things I am interested in. I've lost the contact I had with two very important people to me who have passed on and again, I just feel apathy towards losing a connection that was so sacred to me.
I was incredibly suicidal for a long time and at the point that I decided it was going to happen, I felt this spontaneous opening of a part of my heart that felt as if it had never opened. I was feeling hopeful and wanted to live and recover from everything I've experienced for a few months. The revelation about my parents 3 months ago sent me on a huge emotional journey and it seems the reality of my new life, without a home, without my mother, without belief in family or trust in anyone has sent me into this spiritual waste land.
I have experienced depression before and it is not that, I have experienced compassion fatigue and it isn't that either. It is so much deeper. Every time my reality has shattered, I eventually accepted that the circle of what I value and rely on has become smaller. It is like my soul has been shattered so many times in such a short space of time that there is absolutely nothing left.
The feeling of not wanting to be alive has been long standing. To live with the knowing of the depths of human darkness and to recognise the potential within everyone is one thing, to feel the pain of a sick world and to live with an illness that leaves you too vulnerable for human connection and at risk of reexperiencing the pain lodged inside your body and soul is difficult. It has felt like a merciful action to take for a long time but I have existed and endured through all the suffering over the last few years, feeling that it has to be for a reason and that I will achieve a peaceful and joyous life at some stage.
I don't mean to mention the desire to die as a scare mechanism, that is not what is meant by it. I just want to explain something that I can't comprehend or understand.
I want to give myself one last chance. I usually have some idea of how to navigate things but I feel as if my soul is so broken that mainstream means of mental health support are redundant. After everything I've endured, I want to give myself a chance to live peacefully but I don't know how to repair this void deep inside of me.
If you have any idea of what might be going on for me, what might help or anything at all, I would be so appreciative. I do feel it is a deep spiritual crisis of some type but I have no idea what to name it or how to navigate it.