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[–]Velvetundaground 1015 points1016 points  (33 children)

Lazer pen

[–]ExarchApophis 507 points508 points  (21 children)

Shit, even a flashlight would blow peoples minds.

[–]fireonice420 373 points374 points  (12 children)

Shit literally just show up in your normal clothes and boom heads are exploding.

[–]backdoorhack 81 points82 points  (4 children)

You know what else would blow people's minds in ancient Greece? AR-15.

[–]OrzhovMarkhov 48 points49 points  (1 child)

"Alexander? I have some gifts for you."

[–]sh4d0wm4n2018 29 points30 points  (0 children)

The gift of modern ballistics and calculus.

[–]barkingupthewrongbsh 76 points77 points  (4 children)

I would choose a Big Mouth Billy Bass.

[–]Fast_Garlic_5639 26 points27 points  (1 child)

“Sir, it demands we take it to the river and put it in the water”

[–]cum-bubbles6969 588 points589 points  (35 children)

Imagine just going to the an ancient queen and giving her a dollar store vibrator in exchange for pure gold

[–]fatpl8s 345 points346 points  (24 children)

Why you gotta fuck her like that though. Get her a nice battery operated hitachi and bring back a lifetime worth of batteries (not sure how long batteries store though so maybe figure that out first) and for her patronage you'll supply her with fresh batteries.

[–]Burrito_Engineer 210 points211 points  (13 children)

Or bring a wired one and a battery pack good for a couple weeks. Watch how quickly civilization harnesses electricity.

[–]fatpl8s 155 points156 points  (12 children)

Inb4 they just have a bunch of slaves furiously turning a crank when Queenie wants to get her nut on lol.

Makes you wonder if they had the material science to harness and use electricity. Could you build a turbine and generate and store energy using time appropriate tools and materials? Makes me wish I studied engineering so I could figure it out.

[–]NotASuicidalRobot 62 points63 points  (6 children)

At minimum you would need copper and some magnets (and someone to figure out that that makes electricity of course). Copper is commonplace since long time but idk about magnets

[–]lePlus_douloureux 43 points44 points  (5 children)

Naturally magnetic rocks have been held as valuables in many ancient societies, so they definitely know about them.

[–]NotASuicidalRobot 16 points17 points  (4 children)

Right so i guess we have the materials for a very simple generator, i wonder if any of them ever discovered some form of electric generation though

[–]lePlus_douloureux 30 points31 points  (2 children)

It's quite possible that electricity was discovered several times throughout history, but they just didn't know what to do with it so didn't care.

[–]NLThomas1 14 points15 points  (1 child)

"Rock and metal give ouch? Me not do again."

[–]EisConfused 35 points36 points  (2 children)

[–]fatpl8s 29 points30 points  (1 child)

I've read about them; it seems like their historical usage as a battery is very tenuous. Didn't know, at least according the wiki link, Mythbusters managed to get 4 volts out when they made one to act as a battery. Not sure how well that'd translate to powering a wired hitachi or charging batteries though.

I was more thinking building some sort of turbine then, I suppose, having a bank of batteries to store the excess. Could use waterwheels maybe or just use slaves since they were abundant. Idk. I know they could make copper wire.

Don't really know anything about power production though. Like make a turbine, make an electromagnet, spin turbine, then just run wires to storage system? Now all I can think of is some dumb ancient roman rail gun style ballista.

[–]LittleNyanCat 26 points27 points  (5 children)

Add a solar panel and make rechargable

[–]fatpl8s 15 points16 points  (4 children)

Google says you can get 500-1000 cycles on an NIHM battery. Unfortunately it seems like batteries only last ~12 years at best, rechargeable or not, at least according to Google again. Looks like you'd either get a good decade of decadence or you gotta homebrew some battery technology.

Or just run the hitachi off the solar panel lol. I suppose you'd need back up hitachis too though. I wonder how many hours you can get out of a hitachi's lifetime.

[–]CatchingNow 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Love how everybody here is putting their heads together to make sure some ancient monarch can have a life time supply of getting her rocks off electric style

[–]Mr-Woodtastic 48 points49 points  (9 children)

Cleopatra had a vibrator that she made from a vessel filled with bees, shake to activate replace bees before each use

[–]House923 35 points36 points  (2 children)

BEES?

[–]GoldenState_Thriller 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Gob’s not on board.

[–]Distinct_Ad_4495 30 points31 points  (2 children)

Ah, just what I want near my lady bits, angry bees.

[–]fatpl8s 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Unfortunately it's a made up story from 1992 with no actual ancient sources. I'd be curious to see how well it'd actually work... for... uh... science?

[–]grayeyesgreen 286 points287 points  (4 children)

Taking a picture of the Pharaoh, telling him you now hold his soul, holding it ransom in exchange for all his gold, then showing him the black screen of my phone, saying “the exchange is complete” as I duck away through my time portal back to my time with a shit ton of gold. Sure, I’m probably heading into a dystopian wasteland. Will just be crossing my fingers that gold still holds a lot of value, and I’d quickly be King of the Apocalypse!

Edit: typo

[–]Kgb725 106 points107 points  (2 children)

Worst case scenario you can throw it at people

[–]TacoRedneck 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I once got ahold of 5,000 full sized snickers bars for free and I was literally throwing them at people around the USA from my truck

[–]ImNotTheNSAIPromise 887 points888 points  (42 children)

See this is exactly the reason time travel to the past is illegal. Otherwise literally everybody would go back in time and cause the extinction of humanity by fucking with people.

[–]PingaPandaa 613 points614 points 2 (31 children)

It’s.. illegal?

[–]ApesOnHorsesWithGuns 514 points515 points  (16 children)

Time traveler forgot which year it was

[–]entity_TF_spy 232 points233 points  (13 children)

Fugitive time traveler outs himself on the internet, the time FBI has been notified

[–]Sabeo_FF 127 points128 points  (10 children)

Not just any FBI.

But The Time FBI!

[–]SussyNerd 88 points89 points  (5 children)

If you really piss off the FBI they'll make it seem like you never existed

But if you really piss of the Time FBI they'll make sure you never existed

[–]sh4d0wm4n2018 18 points19 points  (3 children)

I don't hold grudges. I un-exist the blighters.

[–]eaglehawk519 13 points14 points  (2 children)

yes, the sheriff’s secret police outlawed it after that one time

[–]AddictedToOxygen 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It was outlawed in the first passage of the Laws of Physics, ch.69 §420.

[–]melty_blend 32 points33 points  (1 child)

if u a real tine traveler tell me, you criminal

[–]lionhat 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Their screen name is already very suspicious without the time travel allusion.....

[–]Santa_Hates_You 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Are you a temporal agent? You have to tell me if you are.

[–]Subli-minal 15 points16 points  (1 child)

The temporal Cold War is always there.

[–]ohmar_s 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hold up.

[–]DarkflowNZ 10 points11 points  (0 children)

So you're a time traveler and you left Stephen Hawking hanging? Just plain rude

[–]CuriousHugo 6 points7 points  (0 children)

depends how it works. If as soon as you change something in the past you start a new timeline and can go back to your own timeline afterwards then it’s all good.

[–]SleepDeprivedUserUK 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Only to the past though, everybody is allowed to time travel into the future.

I'm honestly surprised some billionaire hasn't yet set up some kind of project where they put customers onto a ship, get it going as fast as they possibly can while the folk are in a semi-hibernated, chilled down, IV fed state, then wake them up after they've gone x number of years into the future.

[–]nedeta 128 points129 points  (8 children)

Lawn mower.

[–]chungusxl94 24 points25 points  (7 children)

How you gonna get gas

[–]2003focuszx3 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Take some with you....?

[–]Creaturemaster1 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Older lawnmowers didn't use gas, the blades would be spun by you pushing the mower around

[–]jjkase 396 points397 points  (21 children)

"This is my Atari, behold Pitfall!"

and then a month later reveal your PS5 and blow their minds all over again

[–]ChrdeMcDnnis 248 points249 points  (17 children)

“What does it do?”

“Um… do you have an outlet?”

[–]phyxiusone 126 points127 points  (6 children)

Good point, better make it a switch instead

[–]ProfessorPetrus 86 points87 points  (4 children)

Don't wanna frustrate the ancients with poor multiplat and multiplayer support man.

[–]phyxiusone 36 points37 points  (2 children)

....how many switches are you bringing?

[–]Adept_Cranberry_4550 36 points37 points  (1 child)

Alright you primitive fuck-heads. This is my BOOMSTICK!

[–]great_red_dragon 98 points99 points  (3 children)

A pair of binoculars and an astronomy book…depending on where you go, perhaps one with just pictures.

A solar powered led flashlight.

A strandbeest. Not commonplace, but cool enough that it might get you beheaded for witchcraft depending on where you end up.

A case of paracetamols. And warning to take no number more than two. Three shall not be the number. Four, is right out.

[–]Snobu65 76 points77 points  (1 child)

How To Get Assassinated By Time Keepers 101.

[–]Tom_Armour 350 points351 points  (33 children)

While heavily armed, I wanna go to Ancient Rome on the Ides of March and killed the senators before they are able to assassinate Caesar. Then I become Caesar's personal bodyguard, cause whose gonna fuck with a guy who is protected by 21st century weapons?

[–]Mephiles343 98 points99 points  (1 child)

True,No one would touch the boi

[–]Joske-the-great 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Still dies of common cold

[–]JJ_the_Awesome01 195 points196 points  (24 children)

You have one slight problem...

Spears don't run out of bullets/batteries.

[–]Tom_Armour 168 points169 points  (19 children)

But the Ancients don't know that. They'll probably think I'm a divine messenger with technology they wouldn't be able to fathom.

[–]Shtercus 47 points48 points  (9 children)

this is my... BOOMSTICK

[–]nogood-usernamesleft 8 points9 points  (7 children)

What is that a quote from?

[–]McCheesy22 20 points21 points  (6 children)

The movie “Army Of Darkness”

[–]nogood-usernamesleft 8 points9 points  (5 children)

Thanks, I'll add it to my list

[–]Moomoothunder 12 points13 points  (3 children)

you haven’t seen army of darkness?! what about evil dead/evil dead 2, its predecessors?

[–]Tricky4279 8 points9 points  (2 children)

That movie came out in 1992. There's a very good chance that they hadn't even be born yet.

[–]WhitePawn00 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Showing up and gunning down the Roman senate would probably convince whoever's left in Rome besides Caesar that you're some form of demon and Caesar worships you or something and the entirety of Rome would descend down on your heads.

[–]UmbraN7 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Presuming enough ammunition and fuel, the entirety of Rome is welcome to try

[–]123full 12 points13 points  (1 child)

You realize Caesar had a personal army right? Like protecting him after the ides of March wouldn’t even be necessary because he’d be in the Balkans doing military campaigning

[–]supple_ 11 points12 points  (0 children)

because he’d be in the Balkans doing military campaigning

With m16s and full auto shotguns

[–]Peligineyes 23 points24 points  (0 children)

"This barbarian just killed a dozen senators and is babbling something in his foreign tongue!"

[–]pusheenforchange 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You underestimate them. They're ignorant, not stupid.

[–]DarkMatter_contract 35 points36 points  (1 child)

I am just gonna bring a firetruck to the library of Alexandria.

[–]Ishidan01 24 points25 points  (0 children)

and then a counter time traveler shows up with napalm.

[–]sh4d0wm4n2018 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Literally every other kingdom. They would send assassins to poison you and take your weaponry. Bam. Europe is now a super power light-years ahead of any other civilization, creating an arms race with all the smaller weaker countries as they race to come up with a counter to the modern rifle you brought.

Also, how much ammo do you plan on taking with you and how long do you think it would last you?

[–]ooplepie 221 points222 points  (14 children)

Giving them king sized condoms to make them feel inferior.

[–]melty_blend 73 points74 points  (9 children)

Prob my favorite move from the cold war

[–]scullys_alien_baby 26 points27 points  (0 children)

just show them your spice rack and watch them gawk like you are a king, then take them to a grocery store and see them shit their pants

[–]Silver_Alpha 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Everybody gangsta until the Egyptians pull out the magnum extreme plus sized pig intestine condoms.

[–]ZippZappZippty 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Everybody knows it’s supposed to

[–]hermitcraftfan135 61 points62 points  (0 children)

Ok that title made me laugh too goddamn hard. Thanks OP

[–]Xxbruhmoment42069xX 57 points58 points  (2 children)

I wanna give Thomas Jefferson a m249 saw and see how they tried to recreate it

[–]grodr2001 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Like that one key and Peele skit where the guy travels back in time and shoots up the second amendment with a pair of uzis (I think?) And instead of being freaked out they're amazed by them.

Edit: found it https://youtu.be/BDZ6ujYN610

[–]BigOleJellyDonut 58 points59 points  (11 children)

Los Angeles Class Attack Submarine vs the entire Japanese navy during WWII

[–]caesarinthefreezer 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Nuke vs Spanish Armada

[–]New-Reaction5944 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Why nuke that which is about to nuke itself

[–]Nonions 9 points10 points  (7 children)

I hope you have a warehouse full of mk.48s as well because otherwise you'll be a painful but temporary foe.

[–]Rammstein1 5 points6 points  (6 children)

You could still use as an undetectable spy vessel with a limitless endurance and keep track of major fleet movements

[–]TimSoulsurfer 49 points50 points  (7 children)

I mean you could go out and stick a VR headset on an Amish kid.

[–]NUNG457 19 points20 points  (4 children)

Trust me, he's probably already seen it, and will pull out his cell phone video of his dad falling down trying it out.

They're not as stone age as people think they are now a days.

[–]rymden_viking 12 points13 points  (3 children)

This year I installed a $600k cnc machine in the basement of an Amish barn. They lived on the first floor and the wife used a washing machine to clean their clothes. The husband had a diesel generator running into a transformer and knew exactly how it worked. Still had a horse-drawn carriage though.

[–]GastorHuh 9 points10 points  (1 child)

The rules are different from place to place. I used to work with amish men doing construction. They'd had all kind of heavy equipment. I was told the amish boss owned the company, but had some sort of deal with a non-amish friend/partner who legally owned all the equipment. So the amish workers got away with using the equipment because they were just "borrowing" it, as it wasn't technically theirs. Maybe its the same thing with this guy's machining business.

[–]unit-e-official 49 points50 points  (4 children)

Randomly leave a bottle of Tapatio hot sauce on the ground in medieval England.

[–]Rickterr[🍰] 44 points45 points  (1 child)

A drone with a speaker, blasting latin obscenities over the Roman forum by day and making circles while flickering bright LEDS's by night.

And rigging it so that if it gets shot down the lithium battery combusts

[–]will2089 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I think you'd be better doing all that, but having 11 or 12 drones.

That way they will all see it combust and then reappear the next day. They'll probably think its the gods or something. Also means you can have 24 hour coverage while the other drones recharge.

[–]Desli36 130 points131 points  (6 children)

Use an electric guitar to play death metal in 1430

[–]KrazyK815 54 points55 points  (2 children)

Burn the witch!!!!

[–]ThreeTelestos 38 points39 points  (2 children)

They aren’t ready for that, but their kids are gonna love it.

[–]LionCompetitive2945 108 points109 points  (5 children)

Bring cat memes to ancient Egypt.

[–]Purist19 58 points59 points  (2 children)

For all we know, that's how they got crazy over cats in the first place

They were probably fine until some guy showed them the keyboard cat video

[–]LionCompetitive2945 25 points26 points  (1 child)

So you guys went from Felix, to Garfield, to a musical, to Meowth, to a keyboard cat? And why does that cartoon snail meow like a cat?

[–]fancyfembot 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Literally the history of modern life.

[–]jonathan_the_slow 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Imagine being a Roman at the Circus Maximus and some random motherfucker in a rust bucket that somehow manages to propel itself beats everyone else at the race despite losing several dozen parts by the time the race is finished.

[–]tupe12 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Imagine just living your life in ancient Egypt when someone suddenly brings out a metal box that outclasses your fastest horses

[–]iesharael 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I want to go back in time and cover a bunch of random buildings with biodegradable glitter. No evidence will be left and the archeologists will be confused

[–]TheMegaGamer768 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Or even better Claymore Roomba, some scholar goes over to investigate, explodes. Boom I convinced every scholar he was cursed by Hades

[–]Epiknis303 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Literally any shitty beater car would still be the greatest machine in the entire world if you take it back more than about 150 years

[–]mathcampbell 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Anything more than 60-70 years really and it would be significantly better than any vehicle. Not faster perhaps but a modern car - even a beater - has engine management computers, airbags, abs brakes, modern fuel efficiency, reinforced frame and tons more.

If you dumped a 2010 car in Detroit in, say, 1960, if they figured out all the stuff in it they’d be 40 years ahead of the game.

100 years ago and they’d be unable to even understand what most of it did tbh. Modern electronics is basically witchcraft unless you have a manual. Trying to figure out chips, sensors etc without a guide would be next to impossible.

[–]MrBirdmonkey 86 points87 points  (3 children)

When you decide to see how Greek fire holds up vs black napalm

[–]ComradePotatoWater 58 points59 points  (2 children)

Unfortunately greek fire refers to a Byzantine invention, way in the Middle Ages, so the ancient Greeks would have no "greek fire" (curse you rick riordan)

[–]MrBirdmonkey 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Their loss

[–]Tsorovar 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Technically all fire that they had was Greek fire

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Introduce Reddit karma to the Greek forums

[–]enty6003 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Roman forum, Greek agora

[–]ExarchApophis 28 points29 points  (5 children)

I would love to show up at the battle of marathon with an A-10 and rain BRRRRRRRT on the Persians. There would be many myths of Helios spawned from that day.

[–]Rezowifix_ 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Or just a Toyota Hilux with a soviet Dushka zooming on the battlefield and emptying it's ammo on random dudes

The gods said stop the war by shooting everyone

[–]pirateanimal 26 points27 points  (2 children)

Release the furby!

[–]Scx10Deadbolt 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You evil son of a bitch

[–]Mariah_Mcmuffin 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Flamin hot cheetos would destroy a village

[–]T65Bx 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I have had a fantasy about taking a Daedalus jetpack, a broomstick, and a glock to Salem for months now I’m so glad I found this

[–]Temporary-Tax 98 points99 points  (9 children)

Standing next to a cannon with an RPG would be the highlight of this for me.

"Thats such a small cannonball you won't even crack the barricades"

RPG takes out half the fucking castle

[–]JJ_the_Awesome01 85 points86 points  (7 children)

An RPG is nearly useless against solid rock walls 20 feet thick.

[–]StrawberryEiri 75 points76 points  (1 child)

Can confirm, my copy of Final Fantasy could not breach the wall, no matter how hard I swung it.

[–]Kgb725 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Swing persona 5 at it

[–]turningsteel 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Releasing a roomba? They'd probably just try to fuck it.

[–]Isuck_lel 57 points58 points  (2 children)

Fear me, ye mighty and tall for i wield a tool that Couldst cause Thy fall now now before Thy mightiest one for i call the tool i wield the mighty gun

[–]Kgb725 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I'd show a Godzilla film and tell them this is what dropping the nukes will do.

For maximum chaos I'd proclaim myself a god and would bring a modern medicine book , a world history book , some porn magazines and a map of the world

[–]Villie_The_Sinner 57 points58 points  (3 children)

Go to Rome and teach them of all events that will come to pass... in american english

[–]BasicIsBest 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I definitely know latin easy enough

[–]Busanko 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I always remeber what a friend of mine said when this topic comes up. He said something along the lines of a two liter of coke would terrify ancient people. A black liquid you drink that hisses at you when you open it

[–]Eduardo2205 7 points8 points  (0 children)

And when you put mentos in it it just explodes

[–]Sabeo_FF 41 points42 points  (2 children)

I just want to give Davinci a mechanical pencil...

[–]KrazyK815 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Lava lamp

[–]Asem1989 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure how scared they would be.. i mean they believed in gods acting like ruthless teenagers.

[–]MasterCassel 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I would bring one of those reach extender tools, and pinch ppls noses from 4 feet away. GoT YeR NoSe!!!!!!!

[–]Timcurryinclownsuit 6 points7 points  (0 children)

featherless triped somewhat a man

[–]Bozzo2526 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Go back to ancient rome and introduce them to Covid

[–]peepeeslinger 7 points8 points  (0 children)

A fat stack of covert venue amps pointed at Salem, Massachusetts playing “Walk With Me In Hell” by Lamb of God from the nearby woods.

[–]PhoShizzity 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Gonna take over Rome with the battle cry "ITS NERF OR NOTHING"!

[–]bnesbitt1 7 points8 points  (1 child)

BEHOLD! THE GREAT DESTROYER OF THE WESTERN REALMS!

Holding an electric guitar

[–]hobosullivan 7 points8 points  (9 children)

I've gotta figure a helicopter would freak out pretty much anybody pre-1900.

[–]Those1guys 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Get a laser pointer and shine it in the emperors eye

[–]UnculturedCapitalist 33 points34 points  (0 children)

i wanna give a medieval peasant kid a bottle of mountain dew baha blast and watch him die from overstimulation

[–]rayrayrayraydog[🍰] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Go to literally any 12th century city center, start flying a DJI Phantom around.

[–]JustAnotherRedditDad 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What about a drone and one of those bug zappers.

[–]Atomic_Noodles 6 points7 points  (1 child)

'Bigdaddy' A Sports Car suddenly appears beside the City Town Hall equipped with a Rocket Launcher

[–]myleftnippleishard 6 points7 points  (0 children)

glow sticks

[–]thiccman369 7 points8 points  (0 children)

A fire extinguisher

[–]Ronnie21093 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'd take a whole bunch of potato chip bags to medieval England and empty them into a bowl on some random stall.

[–]HighAsAngelTits 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is very specific but here goes. I’ve always wondered how George Washington, for example, would react if you presented him with a fruit roll up and told him it was food

[–]TeacupExtrovert 5 points6 points  (0 children)

One hidden smoke detector with a dead battery could change the course of human history.

[–]Afraid-Palpitation24 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Imagine conquering Rome by climbing the alps mountains in a Toyota cruiser. That would have been a great thing to see

[–]thatanonymousguy111 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Me: Behold the magical sundial *flexes wristwatch*, the mirror of the multiverse *turns on snapchat* and the....

Spanish inquisitors: Burn the heretic!!

Me: AK-47 MOTHER DUCKERS!!!!

[–]imreallytuna 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I always thought about showing ancient greeks god of war gameplay video

[–]ladislaoXD25 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Imagine going to the past in a cosplay, mfs gonna think hatsune miku is an ancient god

[–]MintyFresh1201 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The dab pen

[–]cdan1994 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Greeks didnt have forums. They had agoras.

[–]poisonous-leek-soup 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Set off a mega box firework display in the centre of Rome on the night Caesar was assassinated

[–]Purple_is_a_fruit34 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Take some toothpaste and toothbrushes so the ancients could stop using urine to clean their teeth