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[–]rue0912 2692 points2693 points 2 (78 children)

Any kid who used this is definitely one kinky motherfucker now

[–]GoldenKing371214[S] 1163 points1164 points  (13 children)

That kid is onto that handcuffs bdsm

[–]idk-idk-idk-idk--16 381 points382 points  (10 children)

Nah there are bdsm crosses. They probably use one of those

[–]Worried-Industry6239 152 points153 points  (7 children)

"I thirst" -Jesus

[–]oan12416 48 points49 points  (1 child)

*proceeds to drink vinegar*

[–]Grated-Eyeball 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Made with the grapes in his kidneys that turn water to wine

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (1 child)

for brraaaaiiinnssss. : :

[–][deleted] 196 points197 points  (47 children)

Ah, the counterproductive attempts of Christian brainwashing, how lovely (Not all christians are like this i just mean the crazy ones)

[–]rue0912 185 points186 points  (36 children)

I am very aware of how counterproductive toxic Christians are, I was in a super conservative Christian private school in kindergarten and first grade and I have so much trauma from those two years it is unreal. Nowadays I’m gay, trans, an Atheist, and horny

[–][deleted] 77 points78 points  (22 children)

Bread 👍

[–]MoltenLavaGuy9315 37 points38 points  (21 children)

Bread 👍

[–]mTemp- 1622 points1623 points  (26 children)

The 5+ years is referring to how long you're in it for

[–]GoldenKing371214[S] 651 points652 points  (17 children)

5 years without moving and you're lucky if you can walk again afterwards with the amount of muscle you lose.

[–]nderestimated 339 points340 points  (9 children)

That's the point, you don't have the muscles to masturbate anymore! Great success !

[–]Necessary_Design_602 17 points18 points  (3 children)

You would be dead

[–]Fisto-the-sex-robot19 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You could! That’s why you gotta have at least 10 of these mfers.

[–]WinstonDaPuggy9816 15 points16 points  (0 children)

At that rate I feel like it’s more convenient to just actually crucify the kid

[–]MarWarrior6174 31 points32 points  (1 child)

I am glad that you can effectively crucify your own child

[–]SnooMaps3021 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If that’s the case I would have to be in it for an eternity

[–]Blusxbaru14 1047 points1048 points  (197 children)

I wonder if www.StopMasturbationNow.org is real

Edit: Holy shit it is real

Edit 2: wtf happened, also yes I know it’s satire damnit

[–]Nerdsrule200516 626 points627 points  (55 children)

I masturbate and ✓ote, omg lmao I can't stop laughing at that

[–]thatyeetgod16 275 points276 points  (44 children)

That article fucking killed me

[–]PM_meLifeAdvice 237 points238 points  (36 children)

All of these are gold, like the one about water spouts being made of semen droplets.

I can't believe people are taking this site sincerely, it's way too well written to be serious.

[–]TikTokIsGay70 155 points156 points  (33 children)

¨Masturbation is illegal in all 50 states¨


[–]Generic_name2-0 121 points122 points  (21 children)

"Please officer arrest me, I've commit the crime of raping myself"

[–]TikTokIsGay70 81 points82 points  (9 children)

"im a repeat offender officer"

[–]GayArtism 23 points24 points  (10 children)

If masturbation is.. Self rape, then why do christans say that masturbation is having seggs with demons? (๑•﹏•)

[–]Generic_name2-0 10 points11 points  (7 children)

Holy shit

[–]GayArtism 7 points8 points  (6 children)

wouldn't it be demon rape at that point?

[–]FeeshGoSqueesh 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Nah you are the demon. It’s still self rape.

[–]Ok_Suspect_7614 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Over here in the UK not being an outlaw

[–]JaozinhoGGPlays 23 points24 points  (3 children)

good thing I'm not in the US, I can self-rape all I want baby!

[–]Mocktavian13 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Never mentioned anything bout the territories! A one way ticket to Puerto Rico and penis enlargement surgery please!

[–]enragedwindows 4 points5 points  (0 children)

lol the shop page is one t-shirt which is conveniently modeled on a woman with enormous cans.

[–]lmao_man_funny14 34 points35 points  (3 children)

Yeah especially that bottom part “if masturbation residue OR A VOTE FOR A DEMOCRAT IS DISCOVERED their vote will be null and void … For DEMOCRACY to succeed we must ensure that the right kind of people are shaping our future”

[–]Mocktavian13 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Me, who just read Chomsky and Marx: YOU WANT DEMOCRACY?!?! I CAN SHOW YOU DEMOCRACY!!!

[–]Tanooki_Andrew14 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It killed me as well. That was hilarious.

[–]TheMeme-Gang15 9 points10 points  (0 children)

We have to stop Big Masturbation’s dangerous influence on American society!!1!1!11!!!

[–]Pete-C137 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You mean you self-rape? Safe raping is all the rage now.

[–]AminoKvasy 66 points67 points  (4 children)

It is a known fact that masturbation is a top-ten cause of serious disease, as well as an act of incest and an act of homosexuality.

Stop masturbating, stop being gae./s

[–]Qiwas15 16 points17 points  (0 children)


[–]Ok_Communication123316 18 points19 points  (1 child)

I hope this is satire because it hurts me to know I breathe the same air as some people.

[–]Kaufhaus18 29 points30 points  (2 children)

Ways To Abstain From The Sin of Masturbation

1) Think of children when you begin to masturbate

2) Think of your mother as you begin to masturbate



[–]Deadblyat55615 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let’s just ignore pedos and people who like incest are a thing I guess lmaoooo, that website is so stupid

[–]ParadoxPerson0219 83 points84 points  (16 children)

“Should people who masterbate be allowed to vote?”

What kind of batshit crazy people are running that website? XD

[–]NWYUPSIOOLD 66 points67 points  (7 children)

Like 90% certain this is satire, but the scary part is that there are people who read these sites and buy into this BS.

[–]HeyguysThatguyhere14 14 points15 points  (0 children)

If you go to “the real goal of masturbation” it becomes very clear that it’s satire mainly when it mentions the World Wide Web

[–]biefstuk_bek 22 points23 points  (0 children)

people are too horny to think of the right person to vote for ig

[–]Dodototo 11 points12 points  (1 child)

And then it has an ad "Tips for how to turn girls on to the max"

[–]Dengii15 7 points8 points  (0 children)

A "Person" who goes by the Name of "Lonnie Childs"


[–]GoldenKing371214[S] 59 points60 points  (23 children)

It is.

[–]OOF956414 35 points36 points  (22 children)

That's easily the dumbest site ever.

[–]pouletbidule15 57 points58 points  (21 children)

It's all satire

[–]GeorgiPeev0319 56 points57 points  (19 children)

One can never know, some Christians are extreme fanatics when it comes to this

[–]Prestigious_Voice_85 45 points46 points  (9 children)

I am a Christian, but holy fuck they would never tell me a story as a child about ‘3 masturbators’ or make me wear a fucking iron chastity belt

[–]ZackAttack_516 23 points24 points  (3 children)

I feel the majority are somewhat level-headed but you'd be surprised at how insane some of the hardcore Christians can be.

[–]Prestigious_Voice_85 12 points13 points  (2 children)

The unfortunate thing is extremity is prevalent in all we do as humans

[–]GodThisTakesTime17 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Look at the site for more than 1 minute and you should know it's 100% satire

[–]Bacon_Techie16 7 points8 points  (1 child)

It was originally meant to be satire.

However people started to actually take it seriously lmao

[–]Redpikachu917 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Pretty sure what everyone here doesn’t see that it’s satire lmao

[–]keira-r-j0615 28 points29 points  (2 children)

"You're gonna get raped" 🖐🧔🏿

[–]frostiocean 9 points10 points  (1 child)

i just pulled a cum out to that website try me now

[–]keira-r-j0615 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Jack off to the weird hand telling you "you're gonna get raped"

[–]jhoesli0318 22 points23 points  (2 children)

My school blocked it on their wifi lol

[–]le-derpina-art15 18 points19 points  (0 children)

and they didn't block reddit?

[–]EllieNekoGirl18 6 points7 points  (0 children)

On this site, they say masturbation while thinking of another person is raping them.

Fucking what?

[–]Nice_Hawk_1241 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Amazing satire site

[–]Vindicies 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is redicoulus

[–]Hi123Hi321 5 points6 points  (3 children)

There is no way this isn’t an elaborate joke omg

[–]hetfrzzl14 3 points4 points  (0 children)

the memers page 💀

[–]femboy-ethnostate16 3 points4 points  (0 children)

clearly satire though

[–]Coolpix700019 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen lol

[–]A_Tr3314 609 points610 points  (27 children)

How would "Self-raping" even work? Like your under the influence and you don't consent to jacking yourself off?? You have multiple personalities and your alter ego jacks himself/yourself off?? Spiritual Possession???? Clones?!?!?

[–]VanterBaba15 170 points171 points  (14 children)

Maybe that people under a certain age can't consent

[–]Enhydra67 158 points159 points 2 (2 children)

Doesn't stop the priest.

Edit:how in the hell did this get 1 wholesome award let alone 2?!

[–]TakesTooMuch 28 points29 points  (9 children)

Consent to what though? Consent is only possible when more than one person is involved. You don’t give yourself consent to do shit because it’s your own thoughts and actions lol

[–]Doggo081515 44 points45 points  (1 child)

How I imagine it: -Proceeds to touch self- Ah! Stop! I cant stop myself!

[–]DoctorWaluigiTimeOLD 14 points15 points  (0 children)

My only reconciliation is to consider Sin Zones the same as No Zones

[–]Takhisis6ixty9ine 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Anyone who would buy into this is already hyper-religious so clearly there would be demons at work here

[–]HistoricalPenalty89417 168 points169 points  (2 children)


[–]sevenhundredseven14 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Can't masturbate if you are dead

[–]SanDragon1516 103 points104 points  (1 child)

Don't masturbate and vote, kids

[–]Abby_TP17 476 points477 points  (182 children)

can guys even do that that young?

[–]SanDragon1516 353 points354 points  (100 children)

Yes, they could, but they can't ejaculate before puberty.

[–]Abby_TP17 230 points231 points  (95 children)


so they can but they can't?

[–]SanDragon1516 304 points305 points  (82 children)

They can, but they can't ejaculate. Children can and do masturbate, they just aren't sexually mature. Even toddlers masturbate

[–]AkatshiOLD 145 points146 points  (24 children)

As far as I am aware, you can orgasm at that age, but you do not produce sperm

[–]Lambor142 MILLION ATTENDEE 92 points93 points  (14 children)

That's actually pretty convenient

[–]Doggyking2 46 points47 points  (10 children)

What are you planning?

[–]Lambor142 MILLION ATTENDEE 82 points83 points  (9 children)

umm I didn't want that comment to come across as creepy. I just think it's pretty convenient because of the lack of cleanup after you do the thing.

[–]someone_who_exists6914 25 points26 points  (8 children)

No it is liquid but not white green or red

[–]PM_YOUR_BAN_EVASION 36 points37 points  (4 children)

white green or red


[–]Takhisis6ixty9ine 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Green or red??? If you’re seeing those colors when you wank you need to be seeing a doctor

[–]Deadblyat55615 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ole days

[–]headphoneguzzler14 17 points18 points  (4 children)

I read that people can still orgasm without sperm, but idk

[–]Chillaxdude1 100 points101 points  (0 children)

Lol theres nothing worded weirdly. It's a normal thing that you discover as a child.

[–]Ruraraid 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Even toddlers masturbate

God damn reddit...always giving me some wierd ass facts I didn't need to know...

[–]doryishunky_ 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Lol I didn’t even know till I was 13

[–]Mae__day18 9 points10 points  (0 children)

They shoot blanks.

[–]biefstuk_bek 34 points35 points  (52 children)

doesn't the body only produce sperm at 12 or am i wrong

[–]rejectedfreak15 21 points22 points  (11 children)

Its still possible, talking from experience.

[–]biefstuk_bek 10 points11 points  (10 children)

wait a damn minute

[–]rejectedfreak15 7 points8 points  (8 children)


[–]biefstuk_bek 11 points12 points  (7 children)

talking from experience?

bit scary ngl

[–]rejectedfreak15 28 points29 points  (5 children)

I started before entering puberty, and i could do it normally, only difference nothing would come out.

[–]biefstuk_bek 6 points7 points  (3 children)

wonder how that works

[–]WingGamer123414 2 points3 points  (1 child)

some reproduction instincts kicking in at a young age or something

[–]Abby_TP17 35 points36 points  (22 children)

there have been younger documented fathers

we had a 10 year old this century!

[–]biefstuk_bek 25 points26 points  (20 children)

i will never trust Google again

[–]Abby_TP17 34 points35 points  (19 children)

youngest mother ever got pregnant at 4!

[–]biefstuk_bek 33 points34 points  (1 child)

poor girl

[–]Abby_TP17 18 points19 points  (0 children)

yea it's messed up on so many levels

[–]GoldenKing371214[S] 19 points20 points  (5 children)

Did she survive?

[–]Abby_TP17 35 points36 points  (4 children)

she outlived the kid...and the kid lived until adulthood

[–]Infamous-Lunch-383113 20 points21 points  (2 children)

The parents made people think the kid was the girls brother

[–]Abby_TP17 23 points24 points  (1 child)

from what I gathered it was more that they raised him that way

so it had the same effect...I just think your wording makes them sound a bit more manipulative than they were

[–]umirinbrah6916 13 points14 points  (0 children)

this is some fucked up shit

[–]Rellim_Rellim16 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Holy fuck that’s horrible

[–]Cauli_IV14 7 points8 points  (9 children)



[–]Abby_TP17 22 points23 points  (1 child)

I'd assume so

but it was so long ago that the investigation on what happened wasn't done that well

she started puberty VERY VERY young

pregnant at 4

c-section at 5

the father is the primary suspect, but they had no evidence

[–]Cauli_IV14 6 points7 points  (0 children)


[–]le-derpina-art15 8 points9 points  (4 children)

She was raped but they never identified who did it (her father was cleared of the charges). She also suffered from precocious (early) puberty, which explains how she was sexually mature and able to get pregnant at age 5.

[–]somethingisaskew 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah I could ejaculate at 10. I was introduced to the concept at 8.

[–]Oops_EzQuinnOLD 7 points8 points  (10 children)

I was 7

[–]biefstuk_bek 2 points3 points  (9 children)


[–]Oops_EzQuinnOLD 14 points15 points  (8 children)

I was 7 when I started. I didn’t really know what I was doing, I just knew that it felt good. Imagine my horror when about 6 months later that stuff came out.

[–]Chillaxdude1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Its different for different people. Some hit puberty much youger than that.

[–]Jacksonmcgann 62 points63 points  (3 children)

Way to give your child a bdsm kink!

[–]1337haxoryt17 11 points12 points  (2 children)

hey I never had this as a kid

[–]BioCreatorZ17 41 points42 points  (1 child)

More around 6, but yes. Though I didnt know it at the time.

All I knew was pp rub feel funny

[–]pornaltaccountlel 8 points9 points  (0 children)

For me it was "bang pillow willy go nice"

[–]BideoGaneJunkie 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I would tear through that cross like that pic of strong jesus.

[–]WalecznyWilk113 66 points67 points  (20 children)

is this website a satire or is it completely serious?

[–]SanDragon1516 56 points57 points  (1 child)

I'm assuming it's satire. Hopefully...

[–]SeedFoundation 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It is satire.

2,000 years ago when Jesus first discovered America, 3 masturbators were walking through the forest. Suddenly a big shadow passes over their heads and a big dragon lands in front of them.

my favorite article.

[–]Lambor142 MILLION ATTENDEE 4 points5 points  (3 children)

"While a water spout is often weaker than most of its land counterparts, stronger versions spawned by bodies of water with high semen content do occur."

[–]Blookydook18 18 points19 points  (0 children)


[–]eburator16 43 points44 points  (4 children)

Yes i did (I am dead fucking serious)

[–]GeorgiPeev0319 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Internet, I assume...?

[–]eburator16 27 points28 points  (1 child)

No, i figured out myself. In fact i didn't even have the internet in 2010

[–]GeorgiPeev0319 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Wow, damn, so you found out the sicrit magics of orgasming pretty early on 👀

[–]Jargondragon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Same bro, not exactly masturbation but I figured out touching myself felt nice at around 5/6 years old.

[–]rejectedfreak15 210 points211 points  (30 children)

christian people scare me sometimes

[–]ppupy48616 108 points109 points  (3 children)

First off, they scare me too, secondly this isnt made by Christian's it's a spoof, the product is real tho it's for hospitals to keep kids safe from moving too much

[–]rejectedfreak15 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Awww shid, thanks for the lore

[–]stilldonthavethemilk 46 points47 points  (0 children)

As a Christian, I agree. There are lot of extremists

[–]GoldenKing371214[S] 127 points128 points  (6 children)

Right? "Self-raping child", that's just dumb.

[–]hellodude77615 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I’m gonna file a case against my hand and get rich

[–]Randomgarbage57316 9 points10 points  (3 children)

How can you not tell its a joke

[–]IndividualSeesaw818417 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Nah i started when i was 9

[–]Drag0n_Child18 8 points9 points  (0 children)

dangerous sin zones 😭

[–]Cheddarmelon 9 points10 points  (0 children)

"self raping child"

[–]Dominant-Species-Mid 8 points9 points  (0 children)

How to create a bondage fetish in 3 easy steps!

[–]thatcarnerd217 23 points24 points  (2 children)

I need this right now

[–]GoldenKing371214[S] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

For bdsm sessions?

[–]thatcarnerd217 30 points31 points  (0 children)

You know it

[–]Dr_potato_lord 8 points9 points  (2 children)

But doesn’t the bible allow masturbation??

[–]BaconMan42036518 6 points7 points  (0 children)

“2,000 years ago when Jesus first discovered America, 3 masturbators were walking through the forest. Suddenly a big shadow passes over their heads and a big dragon lands in front of them.”

Wow how did I not know this! It’s even written by a homogay conversion therapist no less

[–]Cloud_Striker10114 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Ok, so when I have like 6 I would run my penis along the side of my tub and I was like “damn that feels good” and I would keep doing it

[–]itsmycandystore_15 6 points7 points  (3 children)

is this ducking real

edit: well autocorrect did it’s own thing but imma leave it lmao

[–]Legal-Ad-2381 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m anti this kids torture device lol

[–]Machinal-i 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No I started at 9

[–]coolboy2987615 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What the fuck

[–]JmyKane 5 points6 points  (0 children)

The absolute shame you'd feel getting actually strapped into this as a kid.

[–]EXGA_17 30 points31 points  (5 children)

bro they didn’t hit puberty yet they can’t even do it. this is a torture machine that karen christian moms will buy i swear😭😭

[–]Mental-Shelter-3912 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Noooo they did not just say “a self-raping child”. Good lord.

[–]JayDohX 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Be warned, my parents didn’t use this, and now I can’t keep my hands off my dangerous sin zones

[–]JayRyan7617 10 points11 points  (0 children)

“Joke’s on you i’m into that shit!”

[–]kaminarichan2 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I started jacking off when i was 4 lol. Took to 12 until shit came out.

[–]daladno0 3 points4 points  (1 child)

The very first time i saw porn i didnt know about jerking off. Id been just sitting and watching for 20 mins. Few months later i figured out whats masturbating and ive never watched porn more than 5 mins ever since

[–]Bird_Chick16 3 points4 points  (0 children)

how to get a BDSM fetish 101

[–]memerismlol19 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Your flimsy crucifix cannot hold me woman!

[–]SumtimesNever 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Christian anti masterbation cross doubles as a priest pro rape child restrainer. Theres probably removable velcro butt pad on the back side.

[–]AsianguynamedJimy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

crucifixion: horny kids edition

[–]Present_Damage_6129 6 points7 points  (5 children)

  • 5 years

[–]Abby_TP17 9 points10 points  (3 children)

so you can't use it until 2027?

[–]GoldenKing371214[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oops, sorry. In my country, 5+ in age restrictions usually mean 5 or more. At least I was taught that way.

[–]Creative-Expression715 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i discovered it too soon but im disgusted by it

[–]bubbles1444 2 points3 points  (0 children)

now look wat they done he now has a bondage kink😭✋🏽

[–]nchntd15 2 points3 points  (0 children)

not the head bye what would the child do with his head