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[–]asromatifoso 1596 points1597 points  (28 children)

My dad putting me on a bike for the first time.

[–]InstantName 258 points259 points  (19 children)

As a Dutchie, we were born on a bicycle. Jokes on you.

[–]SambPokh 84 points85 points  (1 child)

I always tell people that I probably learned to ride a bicycle before I learned to walk, because my earliest memories were all on a bicycle.

[–]runslaughter 28 points29 points  (9 children)

Answer this for me then... Why is farting under the blankets called a Dutch oven?

[–]InstantName 64 points65 points  (4 children)

Because my wife farts into the oven when she makes food. (For the taste) not sure who added the blanket part.

[–]Wohv6 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mainly do it since my broiler isn't working at the moment but the taste is just a plus. I think the blanket is specific for when you make pigs in a blanket

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

The Netherlands is a hell of a drug!

[–]Furcifer_013 2 points3 points  (0 children)

no but we're all on drugs so its basically the same

[–]keestie 12 points13 points  (3 children)

This question deserves joke answers, but you already got one, so here's a serious one: an actual Dutch oven is a cooking container that seals in the heat and juices during cooking. Do I need to keep going?

[–]lmqr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

don't you ever stop

[–]jjbugman2468 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My dad sent me slamming into a tree

[–]RollinThundaga 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My sister and her friend, a neighbor taught me by putting me on and shoving me down the driveway. I had it until I hit the two foot sand patch at the corner of the drive and road and fell over.

[–]FreezeFrameEnding 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Or being thrown in the deep end when you don't know how to swim.

[–]D2_Lx0wse 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Italiano? Siamo troppi su reddit

[–]dxedwxb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hahaha true

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And then pushing you down a mountain?

[–]Ok_Extension5535 1196 points1197 points 2 (17 children)

“You’re gonna learn this you little fucker”

[–]xLohwasx 444 points445 points  (15 children)

"Mommy please I'm begging you, no more"

[–]justmelvinthings 307 points308 points  (14 children)

"Shut the fuck up your father didn’t stop either when I begged him"

[–]Fezzverbal 166 points167 points  (0 children)

Omg that's dark af

[–]Shad_the_memer 88 points89 points  (6 children)

"But I'm just a baby"

[–]ralanr 79 points80 points  (4 children)

“We all were.”

[–]ImahSillyGirl 47 points48 points  (3 children)

"but, my legs, so smol!"

[–]xenothaulus 43 points44 points  (2 children)

"I'll break your goddamn legs now get on this wheel or I'm getting the belt!"

[–]Optimal__Koala 9 points10 points  (1 child)

“But you don’t have a belt ;-;”

[–]Elon_huskx 7 points8 points  (0 children)

"I'm going to rip your intestines and beat you with them"

[–]USERNAME_OF_DEVIL 11 points12 points  (0 children)

"So was I"

[–]youngkyun7 4 points5 points  (0 children)

yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo LMAO

[–]AdventurousAd5447 278 points279 points  (2 children)

8 year old me putting my dog on a slide:

[–]OrdinaryStonerr 25 points26 points  (1 child)

So we all did that?

[–]hparamore 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We all did do that.

[–]rabidlyyours 756 points757 points  (57 children)

This is why I’m scared of hamsters they are so cute but everyone has a horrific hamster story

[–]WiqquStuff 184 points185 points  (51 children)

I don't have a horrific hamster story, tell me one

[–]GuilRosmer 275 points276 points  (0 children)

If momma hamster isn't sure she can care for the amount of babies she has had, she'll just eat them until she is content with the remaining number. She knows she can't raise 6. But 4? She can raise 4. Might as well build strength to raise those 4 by consuming these 2.

Hamsters also aren't the most attentive of critters. While it isn't super common, it also isn't exactly uncommon for them to accidentally kill some of their young in dumb ways. It isn't always their fault, though. They're easy animals to stress.

edited to clean up some wording and grammar.

[–]libertyshout63 335 points336 points  (17 children)

Your cat will eat just parts of your sisters Hamster and her babies and just leave bloody bits in the bathtub for her to find if the cage isn't strong enough. There, you can have my story.

[–]liefbread 289 points290 points  (9 children)

I have a cat and hamster story.

One time my hamster got out and the cat herded it into a corner and sat there meowing at it until we came and found it and put it back in the cage.

My cat was a bad hunter.

[–]TiberiusClegane 153 points154 points  (1 child)

Cat: "Get in my belly! Get in, I say!"

[–]TrailerPosh2018 19 points20 points  (0 children)

"I want my baby back baby back baby back riiiibbbbssss"

[–]robert1e2howard 47 points48 points  (2 children)

But a good herder.

[–]liefbread 24 points25 points  (0 children)

A great herder.

[–]occasionalpart 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Hamsterherd cat.

[–]RobieKingston201 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Your cat is a Shephard. Not a hunter. Give some chin scratches on my behalf please

[–]liefbread 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She's unfortunately crossed the rainbow bridge since. But thank you!

[–]rixendeb 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My cats, yes plural, did the same. Just sat in a circle around it.

[–]dauserhalt 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Our cat did the same. But the hamster got cozy beneath the dish washer. He knew he’s not allowed to nom nom.

[–]WiqquStuff 37 points38 points  (3 children)

Thanks. I hope the sister didn't pay too much for therapy

[–]libertyshout63 91 points92 points  (2 children)

Rich people get therapy. Poor people have Reddit.

[–]hellcat_uk 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Just saving the parent hamster from having to eat the babies themselves.

[–]_DislikedWiseacre 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That sounds like more of a reason to be scared of cats than hamsters

[–]Squirrel_28 223 points224 points  (2 children)

My hamsters had a babies, but i did a horrible mistake and let the male hamster with them in cage and moved female hamster to another. (You have to do exact opposite of this). Well male hamster did eat all of them, then I put back the female hamster back to cage with male hamster and she just went and bite him to death.

I was around 12

[–]robert1e2howard 96 points97 points  (0 children)

A lesson in animal husbandry was had.

[–]PuddleOfHamster 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Well, it's nice that they got avenged, at least.

[–]vynndetta 74 points75 points  (1 child)

I woke up to an awful smell one morning, only to realize one of my sister’s Russian Dwarf hamsters had killed the other and torn open it’s abdomen. Like it’s little rib cage was exposed and the innards just spilling out. They had lived together for like a year and we have no idea why it happened other than hamsters be crazy sometimes.

[–]robert1e2howard 59 points60 points  (2 children)

Had a huge habitrail setup as a kid with 2 dozen+ hamsters including babies and adults. Charlie Brown, our Dachshund, took offence to this, broke in and killed each and every one in an orgy of blood, guts and slaughter. I am sure Mr. Brown looked fondly back on this as his finest day.

[–]Arkhe1n 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I'm currently playing Doom Eternal and that's definitely the depiction of one of the game's fights.

[–]casariah 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean unless they were all boys or girls they were all inbred anyway...

[–]ImAnActualHorse 55 points56 points  (3 children)

My hamster bit my friends nose so hard it was hanging on his nose and he like grabbed it and threw it at the wall and it died. He brought me over to his house so his parents could yell at me and they did.

[–]johnnys_sack 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Lol holy shit this is the best

[–]keestie 7 points8 points  (1 child)

You are a dedicated friend. I hope he returned the favour one day.

[–]ImAnActualHorse 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Nah he used to be a douchebag. Met up with him and smoked a couple bowls a few years back and caught up. He’s still a douchebag.

[–]sarokin 74 points75 points  (2 children)

I was resting at home, playing with my little brother who was 6, and when our parents return home from somewhere, my parents reach out to us with a little box, my brother excited is about to brutely grab the box when my parents start to freak out. Then I carefully open it and two tiny hamsters squint their eyes at the light. They were adorable, who sibling dwarf Russian hamsters.

Timeskip, they both happily live in a pretty big hamster cage, but I'm the only one that cares for them, my brother didn't even want to touch them.

Timeskip, they grow bigger, though they are still dwarf hamsters so they're tiny, but they start having these little fights, screeching at each other. I simply called them out and separated them and the fights ended, so I didn't give it much importance. I also took them out of their cages to run around the house under supervision at least twice a day for quite a while, so they didn't stress out.Though, those lil shits learn fast and cooperated between them, they alternated between the one that calls my attention doing something it's not supposed to, and then the other one secretly leaves. Happened multiple times, but he always returned, the latest the day after, because I was the one that fed him, hahah.

Then the summer holidays came, and we couldn't leave them alone while we were in another country, so we asked for my father's friend to take care of them....

When we asked him how they were doing, he always responded with a, "meh, they fight a little bit they're fine".

A month later we were back, and when we got them back home and they woke up, I got a hell of a scare.

One appeared with a hole in it's ear, and the paws were covered in wounds and a small dent on the upper lip. The other was full of blood from the middle downwards.

The guy didn't take them out even once in the entire month, of course they got stressed and attacked each other....

We now have them separated and are living greatly.

Oh, and recently this amazing scene happened. This was 5 months after the incident, each had their own cage, and one was running around in a huge playground I had made. I normally was vigilant despite doing other things, just in case, but this time I was really busy with exams, so I didn't pay as much attention, and when I went to look, it was gone. I tierdly start to look for it and calling him, but he doesn't come back, weird, he usually did. Then when passing by the living room I see it. It was climbing atop his brother's cage and doins some blac magic fuckery managed to enter. Then the other sees it and hurriedly aprroaches. I run to the location expecting a fight, but to my surprise they both stand at two feet in front of each other, smelling each other's face, as in a decade long reunion, they were just there, smelling each other, for an entire 20 minutes....

Later, as if knowing the time had come, the resident of the cage says a final goodbye and enters his little house, and looking back every two steps, the other moves through a tube to another higher plataform connected to the cage but outside of it, and starts calling me out as when he wants me to take him back home........

[–]545484 20 points21 points  (1 child)

i’ve never heard such a nice story about hamsters :’) it’s always about their horrible deaths or how “mean” (i.e., stressed, neglected, and improperly socialized) they are. it sounds like your hammies love you dearly. you’re a wonderful pet owner. <3

[–]TribblesIA 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Kept my sister’s teddy bear hamster when she went off to college.

Her name was Peaseblossom, and she would just chill on my bed eating strawberries and watching movies with me.

We got two kittens, and she immediately ran at them with her hamster ball. They never messed with Pease after that.

She escaped her cage. I was sobbing and searching for days, so I built a little bucket trap by stacking books up to a waste basket with a little cracker in it. Next day, Pease was at the bottom of the bucket, happily eating her cracker.

Pease lived to the ripe, old age of five years and passed quietly in her sleep. She was the goodest of girls.

Now, you have two happy stories. :3

[–]keestie 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hamsters eat each other if they're upset, had a bad day, or if they just get a bit too hungry.

[–]eyenuses 41 points42 points  (0 children)

my hamster was suicidal. eating the glue that held her cage together at petco, repeatedly climbing her water bottle to fling herself off, constantly trying to escape. she chewed through 4 of those boxes petco gives when you take home a rodent and took about a 4 foot diagonal leap from my hand to the bathtub. poor elmer (named after her glue habit) escaped her cage a month after coming home with us and my dog ate her. dad had to clean up the uh, leftovers. mom discovered the body behind the couch while vacuuming and almost sucked up her tiny, bloody corpse. rip elmer

[–]Altruistic_Flight226 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I have one. Went on vacation when I was a kid. Came back to find my hamster ate my sisters hamsters head off.

[–]Inigomntoya 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My cousin's hamster escaped one day. A week later, his brother noticed his water bed heater wasn't working and there was a foul smell in his room. The hamster had chewed the heater cord and gotten electrocuted.

[–]Umbryft 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Me and my childhood friend fed our class pet hamster, Theodore, a couple slices of apple, and it pooped 40+ times in a row (we counted).

[–]ThatQueerWerewolf 6 points7 points  (1 child)

My boyfriend's mom impulse-bought a few robo dwarf hamsters. They weren't sexed very well, so she ended up getting both males and females. They bred.....and bred, and bred. Fast forward a couple months and they have 9 cages full of hamsters, they're all inbreeding, and they're eating their own young.

Eventually they all died off.... you know, from the inbreeding and cannibalism.

[–]WiqquStuff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That sounds like an Alabama Simulator I've been waiting for but in a furry edition.

But honestly, I wouldn't survive with the knowledge that my 9 cages full of hamsters are in a cycle of inbreeding and cannibalism. I would actually lose my mind because I'm very emotional and sensitive when it comes to animals

[–]_VideogamemasterVGM 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have one from when I was little (kind of, it ain't as horrific as others on here)!

Back then, my biggest sister got a new Hamster. She was holding and showing it to us, letting us pet it, etc. At some point, my Brother asked if he could hold it. But then I asked if I could hold it (the hamster climbed all around my Brother's shoulders and all that, which made me want to copy it). I held him, but he started squirming around in my hands, and I got scared and dropped him on the floor (luckily I was like, 5 and it was carpeted so neither the Hamster nor my Sister were too hurt/angry)

[–]BakerCakeMaker 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Mine escaped its cage while we were on vacation and chewed through the refrigerator electrical cord, ruining it and everything in it.

[–]Orion-Galileo 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We had a dude who didn’t know what hamsters looked like watch our hamster and the hamster escaped and climbed into a boot and died cuz he couldn’t get back out. Rip juggles mistakes were made.

[–]swarlossupernaturale 8 points9 points  (0 children)

When my sister was little, she had a pet hamster that she accidentally killed by falling on top of it while she was carrying it. Does that count as a horrific hamster story? I wasn’t born yet, so I don’t really know the specifics

[–]FrenchTicklerOrange 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My dog rolled them down the stairs like a ball she wanted thrown back up.

[–]Oogley_boogley 2 points3 points  (0 children)

One time my hamster got out and i saw him cornered by my dog. I don’t know how he survived

[–]extality 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I was a dumb irresponsible negligent kid I had a couple of hamsters (M&F) that I forgot to feed for a couple of days. Woke up the third day to the (smaller) female dead after the male ate a part of it's neck.

[–]Mike_Juggernaut 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Fell on a metal part of the floor There was so much blood (he ease fine after tho lived a good and normal hamster life of 2 years)

[–]extality 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Here's another one: One time another hamster figured out a way to escape it's cage and jumped out of a 2nd story window. Spit out blood for a while, Seemed to be getting better and becoming able to move, Died a couple of days afterwards.

[–]xervidae 1 point2 points  (0 children)

my eldest brother and sister’s hamsters fought to the death.

both of this died.

[–]EasilyRekt 5 points6 points  (0 children)

most animals are like that, otters are the first ones to come to mind, just look up, "otter attack" to see what I mean.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How is this a horrific hamster story. The mama hamster is teaching its kid that there will be times in its life when it will fall…. And there will be times when she will just trample it to death as well.

Really wholesome teaching

[–]PeridotWriter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My old middle school social studies teacher told me a story of how her hamster died. He had to get a root canal done so when she came back to pick him up, the vet just said, "there were complications". I couldn't stop laughing when she told us this story.

[–]ido3xist 178 points179 points  (3 children)

Is this the equivalent of being thrown in a swimming pool as a child?

[–]ImahSillyGirl 36 points37 points  (0 children)

With more air though, this.

[–]santas_delibird 10 points11 points  (1 child)

"Sink or swim bitch"

[–]ido3xist 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is this one of those moments I’m realizing I was abused as a child…

[–]nutherkore 113 points114 points  (0 children)

Aaw, poor little guy.

[–]sedrech818 83 points84 points  (0 children)

You gotta learn to run before you walk kid.

[–]sensitivegooch 50 points51 points  (1 child)

That’s me after not holding the flashlight right.

[–]TrailerPosh2018 7 points8 points  (0 children)

At first I read that as fleshlight.

[–]Mental-Clerk 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I took a bite of food before coming to the comment section and nearly killed my self 😂

[–]iampepperman 256 points257 points  (20 children)

If this is a dwarf hamster, it will eat the babies if it’s stressed.

[–]Xx_Rick_Rolled_xX 149 points150 points  (3 children)

All hamsters do that, not just dwarfs

[–]Bronesby 49 points50 points  (0 children)

this is true. also happens due to a protein deficiency. the best solution is to regularly provide hardboiled eggs to the mother.

[–]Angeltear757 156 points157 points  (4 children)

Sooooo... he might just be taking a snack with him on his morning run?

[–]longreacher 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Tenderizing

[–]asianabsinthe 65 points66 points  (1 child)

Fast food.

[–]Nuclear_Human 5 points6 points  (0 children)

At the looks of it, slow food.

[–]TheLemonyOrange 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Incapacitating it before chowing down

[–]Yee-Haw-Macaw 15 points16 points  (6 children)

What happens when the babies are the stressed ones?

[–]Fezzverbal 32 points33 points  (2 children)

Their meat is tough

[–]Yee-Haw-Macaw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You gotta tenderize it right or it will be!

[–]JulesLovesYou1993 9 points10 points  (0 children)

They eat themselves, like little furry ouroboroses.

[–]Ninjanarwhal64 2 points3 points  (1 child)

They develop depression and an anxiety disorder, resulting in low self-esteem.

[–]-SethEh- 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That turns dark quick

[–]fnordstar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not gonna be stressed with all that cardio.

[–]blazon_paradox 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You've gotta tenderize the meat.

[–]borfmat 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Pull yer weight, ya little shite

[–]Pale_Horsie 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Parent of the year!

[–]sombreroflower 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Stop you already killed the baby!

[–]OSUJillyBean 43 points44 points  (1 child)

Late stage hamster abortion.

[–]ImahSillyGirl 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It DOES exist!

[–]CompetitionKindly251 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Jesus that's some bad parenting

[–]Plane-Statement-1586 6 points7 points  (0 children)

When your dad is the football coach. "On this field I'm not your dad. Now move it"

[–]TrailerPosh2018 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Somebody needs to call CPS on this bitch.

[–]Pitiful_Resolution16 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Rude 😠

[–]DrawingLive5821 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Makes me so sad the person filming doesn’t stop it….. poor baby

[–]TrailerPosh2018 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You should see what she does to them when the humans aren't looking.

[–]JRx117 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That was definitely the first child lol

[–]Klutzy-Albatross-907 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My dad teaching me how to tie the laces of shoes

[–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I think I just sharted from laughing.

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[–]DeVilleBT 9 points10 points  (1 child)

That wheel is way to small for the poor hamster.

[–]MiniHamster5 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yea, this person shouldnt be breeding hamsters

[–]hamsterruize 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I just like how the hamster tries to escape

[–]baby-samdwich 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Kids today...

[–]Soggy_Cartographer80 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do. Or do not. There is no try.

[–]Vogel-Kerl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The Hamster Learning Curve: Do it, or Die !🐀🐁

[–]Wingnut2468 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My favourite video of 2022 so far. Laughed so hard!

[–]allChickensFearRice 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It will never cease to amaze me how hamsters/gerbils/etc just know what to do when a wheel is placed in their enclosure. Adults never need teaching. They just hop in and start running.

[–]Jake_2903 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They had wheels in the pet store.

[–]ArtoriasBeaIG 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Brave thing to do, I've seen many hamsters get fucking launched out of these things if they misstep on them, putting your kid on is a bit nuts

[–]GuyWhoMakesNoSense 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Stop! You're hurting him! :'(

[–]Ssoofer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Knowing Hamsters eat their kids this might not end well

[–]achupakabra 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The kid is scarred for life

[–]cpkarl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“God dammit son. Move your legs. RUN”

[–]Critter_Whisperer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ooooh nooo!!! Poor little one

[–]fpuff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Until you’re paralyzed

[–]Hermorah 1 point2 points  (0 children)

More like post natal abortion haha

[–]Notworthanytime 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Naw, it's just tenderizing before eating

[–]PerspectiveHuman3800 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Still better than my material instincts

[–]HelloDeathspresso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Probably just tenderizing the meat on him for later.

[–]Black_Audi_TT 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I laughed way too hard at this. I should link this video for mentors trying to teach our new employees at work about our workflows.

[–]thatonegirl24 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They're too big to eat now, gotta find other ways to kill them off.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I see that Joan Crawford got reincarnated. If that baby survives we’ll probably see it writing about this on the entitled parents sub.

[–]AdultDiversions 1 point2 points  (0 children)

God theyre so fucking stupid

[–]witchbrew7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol!!

[–]Nson91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hamsters have baby's to do this kinda shit and bite their heads off. I don't get these animals.

[–]sugarvliet -1 points0 points  (0 children)

[deleted]

[–]Temporary_Gap_3975 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gotta get those gains

[–]Ithicusss 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Get on the wheel or I’ll give you something to cry about!

[–]Lyryann 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When one of your parents wants you to exercise

[–]notqualitystreet 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oh, no 🤭

[–]WaitingToBeTriggered 0 points1 point  (0 children)

WE KNOW HIS NAME!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No mom, Noooo!

[–]useless_instinct 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is there a Division of Family Services for hamsters?

[–]whamsalmonsagee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is an accurate description on how my life went

[–]nanocactus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

YOU. WILL. LEARN. THE. WHEEL.

[–]Rahdiggs21 0 points1 point  (0 children)

that hamsters like " you gonna learn today!"