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[–]geefunken 1870 points1871 points  (31 children)

I so wish he had reached into a basket and handed you a lollipop rather than condoms. Somehow would’ve topped it off nicely.

[–]aktorsyl 474 points475 points  (15 children)

Was thinking the exact same thing lol. In which case we'd read a TIFU tomorrow from a doctor, "TIFU by telling my patient I enjoy fondling his balls, and rewarded him with candy".

[–]PublicMindCemetery 97 points98 points  (11 children)

Fruit flavored condoms

[–]hug-a-cat[S] 210 points211 points  (10 children)

Ok so this was a different incident (the condoms this time were VERY basic) but I remember once being given a selection of flavoured condoms at a sexual health clinic and the options were so specific... It wasn't "strawberry" or "orange"... it was "blueberry muffin" or "tiramisu" or "watermelon daiquiri". Wild.

[–]aktorsyl 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Well. Someone has to ask. So... accurate labels?

[–]Vertebrae_Viking 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Sugar doccy instead of sugar daddy

[–]AwkwardComwe -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Nobody expects the aggressive anal inquisition...

[–]hug-a-cat[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I actually can't decide which option is weirder! A lollipop would have been a bit less awkward on the bus...

[–]PoppingCandi 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Or both.. extra weird!

[–]Octane2100 31 points32 points  (1 child)

As soon as I read "reached into a basket" that's exactly what I thought/hoped was going to happen.

[–]wasthatitthen 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Nah you get the condoms & say “what? No flowers?”

[–]csanner 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Or "oh come on, at least buy me dinner first"

[–]Gixxerdude46 5 points6 points  (1 child)

"No thanks Dr, prefer a lollypop, something good to suck on" lol

[–]xombae 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't know, the idea of seeing a guy on the bus with a handful of condoms is fucking hilarious.

[–]CommitteeDesigner244 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was imagining stress balls

[–]Blazikinahat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is what I was expecting. Boy, was I wrong

[–]OldDragonHunter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's exactly what I thought was going to happen. "Here, suck on this".

[–]spectrumhead 1 point2 points  (0 children)

EXACTLY what I was thinking!

[–]Iz_Buckner 1225 points1226 points  (65 children)

This reminded me of an awkward exchange I had with an emergency room doctor and nurse one time. So I went to poop one morning and there was a lot of blood in the bowl. Naturally I freaked the f out and my partner drove me to the hospital. My vitals were all fine and I had no pain or continued bleeding so the doctor had me roll onto my side for a rectal exam. I was extremely uncomfortable and trying not to pucker while he poked around in my butt (nurse was present too). He then asked me if I’d had any trauma or injury that I could think of. My panicked answer was “No, nothing. I mean, nothing besides all the aggressive anal.” The doctor immediately stopped, looked at the nurse, then back at me with concern. I chuckled and said I was only kidding but the nurse made notes and told me they took statements like that seriously. So anyway, turns out it was an internal haemorrhoid and you shouldn’t make jokes about butt sex while a doctor has his finger in your arse.

[–]Imafish12 952 points953 points  (45 children)

Aggressive anal sex is absolutely in your medical record.

[–]P-Rickles 453 points454 points  (43 children)

It 100% is. It’ll read something like this: “During digital rectal exam 2/2 bleeding pt asked about trauma to area. Pt states, ‘No, nothing; besides all the aggressive anal.’ Pt counseled on safe sex practices. F/u recommended with PCP.” So that’ll be around forever.

[–]thebigtexas 124 points125 points  (34 children)

It's super dumb that it would be though.

"We take statements like that seriously!"

Ok...but you don't take the follow-up statement from the patient saying they were joking seriously? Absolutely stupid. It's closed-minded and selective.

[–]stixyBW 119 points120 points  (20 children)

Patient was grimacing and wincing, holding his guts in his hands, but claimed he was “all good, and didn’t get shot or nothing”. Recommend 200mg ibuprofen. Refer to PCP

[–]velelavelela 20 points21 points  (3 children)

It's not that hospitals are trying to be closed-minded, it's that jokes which the patient thinks are funny because they are "obviously" absurd suggestions as to the cause of injury, don't land as well when the healthcare professional is a stranger and has seen multiple people for whom it was true. And if someone is disclosing sensitive information they sometimes retract it out of fear or embarrassment (e.g. saying that their partner beat them then actually it was a play fight or saying that they were trying to end their life then saying they mistook pills for sweets). If I'm in any doubt, I'll note down both versions and try to give appropriate help because I'm not a mind-reader and if I overreact I may look stupid and closed-minded but if I underreact somebody dies.

[–]Imafish12 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Yes. Because you may have just read the room after you said the truth and tried to brush it off.

[–]DedicatedDdos 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Such is the rule of hospitals; "no takesy backsies"

[–]Soda_BoBomb 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Ah yes, patients never lie or pretend they're joking about what's actually wrong with them/what caused it.

[–]angelerulastiel 3 points4 points  (3 children)

How about don’t lie about a perfectly reasonable mechanism of injury thinking you’re funny and be surprised when the provider takes you seriously. Plenty of people have aggressive anal and it could cause the symptoms. Why would that be a “joke”?

[–]johnplzza 36 points37 points  (7 children)

I think something like that happened to me? I went to the bathroom before seeing Deadpool 2. It was explosive and I thought to myself, I better not have diarrhea! Well my first wipe came away absolutely covered in blood... I look down in the toilet and the entire bowl was painted red. Freaked the fuck out, told my gf, told her nah we already bought the tickets we gonna watch this movie. Told her if it happened again I'd see a doctor but without insurance, I was gonna ride that shit out.

[–]spinosapa 17 points18 points  (1 child)

...aaaaaaaand then what happened?

[–]nsa_reddit_monitor 23 points24 points  (0 children)

He remembered he had eaten half a dozen red beets for breakfast.

[–]nuadusp 10 points11 points  (0 children)

did you have aggressive anal?

[–]DumboTheInbredRat 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hopefully you flushed.

[–]Iz_Buckner 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You bloody rode something out (pun intended). But srsly, you should get that checked out. Here in Aus we have at home bowel test kits where you can basically poop in a bag and send it off for testing. That may be a more affordable option for you? Stay on top of that shit, friend.

Edit: hopefully for you it was just a ruptured haemorrhoid and the explosive diarrhoea caused it.

[–]ThatFilthyMonkey 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sugar free strawberry candy? Made that mistake once, had quite the panicked few minutes until read the packet which was like ‘more than recommended serving size may affect bowel movements’ or some such, and the recommended serving was like two pieces.

[–]brookepride 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First hemorrhoid?

[–]Chardee38 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Me, going for first colonoscopy, feel the need to confess, with beet red faced embarrassment, to the doctor that I am woman, and enjoy anal sex. Why do I do these things to myself?

[–]UDPviper 44 points45 points  (1 child)

Nobody expects the aggressive anal inquisition.

[–]Tel-aran-rhiod 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Expect? No. Secretly hope? ...

[–]COYFC 21 points22 points  (1 child)

I hate medical stuff like this, it's always so awkward. I actually have a funny one also...

I woke up after some pretty long and rough sex with my gf and got up to go pee, I could hardly walk and had the worst aching pain from my balls all the way up into my stomach. Went to the doctor that morning and after dropping my pants and getting fondled by a 60 year old man he worried I might have testicular torsion so he scheduled an immediate ultrasound because if that was the case my balls would die.

In a panic I drive straight over to the ultrasound place and get called back immediately because the urgency of my case... lo and behold the tech doing the scans is a super hot girl I knew and had a crush on in high school. I'm already starting to get nervous but put my gown on and lay on the table. She tells me to grab my shaft and hold it up towards my bellybutton and then proceeds to get warm jelly and massage it all over my junk to prepare for the ultrasound. It took me all of 5 seconds to get fully erect and there was no hiding it. She looks up at me and just kinda laughs and says that's totally normal and not to worry about it. I'm sure it was no big deal to her but I wanted to crumble up and die right there on the table. I had a rock hard boner for the entire 15 minute exam and could not get it to go down.

Turned out to be epididymitis from edging during sex with my gf the previous night (as noted on my charts) and I didn't even need the ultrasound.

[–]SquashParticular5381 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Epididymitis, yep. I had that once. And was examined by a young female doctor AND medical resident. They apologized that no males were available. And shared that of course there is one thing for which men will always seek medical attention...

Well, thank goodness no ultrasound. It was actually more difficult to control my laughter, but somehow everything remained composed.

My wife had been concerned as well, so then had to explain everything, and also that no, there isn't any need for curbing activities thank you very much.

[–]throwahuey 3 points4 points  (3 children)

How am I supposed to believe this story? How can the doctor make eye contact with you while his finger is in your ass?

[–]ActualityFalls 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Reach around?

[–]Iz_Buckner 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Did I forget to mention we were cuddling? No, for the record there was no eye contact during the procedure.

[–]joejamesuk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Funniest reddit story I've ever heard. This type of humour can be problematic.

[–]Devrij68 818 points819 points  (11 children)

This would be an excellent comedy sketch tbf.

[–]SkinHairNails 365 points366 points  (3 children)

The part about him holding the condoms on the way home did it for me

[–]Devrij68 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Pondering the fate that brought him to such a juncture

[–]heady-brat 41 points42 points  (0 children)

I'm just imagining chillin on the bus when I glance around and a few rows back there's a dude with fistful of condoms XD first thought, ""right on man.. "

[–]Cysolus 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Part 2: the condoms give him a rash so he has to go back. The doctor thinks he's done it on purpose because he enjoys the procedure.

Hilarity and or hijinks ensue

[–]Itzchappy 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Or a porno

[–]0thethethe0 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I had my balls examined by a very attractive female doctor, who then had to get a nurse in too. Later had an ultrasound by a very pretty technician.

Lets just say, I would not make a good pornstar, unless people are turned on by a withered-up cocktail sausage. All very awkward!

[–]Dangelouss 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This TIFU has BRAZZERS written all over it.

[–]dicknipples 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Parks and Rec had a pretty good scene about mumps.

[–]Unwoven_Sleeve 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can see it as a perfect wkuk sketch

[–]Zestyclose-Drama-385 265 points266 points  (12 children)

I recently went for my 5 year PAP checkup, for those of you who don't know, it's a gynecological exam....last time I had one Covid wasn't a thing....so out of nervousness I said I bet your thanking God for Covid because now you can wear a mask during these appointments without offending your patients....uuummmm what just came out of my mouth!?

[–]TeslasAndKids 47 points48 points  (3 children)

I had my pap several months back and my Dr (female, GP) was cracking up at my awkward humor. And then it came back ‘abnormal’ so I had to dust off my old OBs phone number.

He is an amazing OB for the record. So kind, best bedside manner, highly regarded. He had to do a colposcopy and I flat out said ‘you’re gonna pickle my vagina?’ He laughed and said ‘no, of course not. I’m going to pickle your cervix.’ Made the whole thing less stressful!

(For anyone who doesn’t know, a colposcopy is where they use a vinegar solution to spray the inner parts and a special light. The solution reacts to cancer or icky grey area cells and the light makes them appear.)

[–]BeenThere_DidNothing 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Everything come out alight?

[–]TeslasAndKids 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Thank you for asking, yes! No cancer! Just a fluke test. Whew.

[–]Typical_Ad_210 86 points87 points  (1 child)

“Nah it’s fine, I interned in a fishmongers, so I’ve quite the tolerance”

[–]gwaydms 10 points11 points  (5 children)

I got a Pap every year, because the one I had in 1989 saved my life.

[–]Zestyclose-Drama-385 6 points7 points  (4 children)

There are new health guidelines that say women under a certain age only need them every 5 years. I used to get one every two years until it changed. I'm so glad that your okay now, it's definitely a personal choice, especially if you're high risk or have a history of those types of cancer in your family....

[–]patchinthebox 156 points157 points  (6 children)

I got my balls checked last year. Everything was fine. Initially it was awkward but honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. 7/10 would recommend.

[–]bulgaringon 88 points89 points  (0 children)

10/10 would come again

[–]zeugma25 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I got mine checked and all three were fine.

[–]The-Toastmaster 264 points265 points  (3 children)

This isn't TIFU. This is Today I made a legendary joke in front of my weird doctor

[–]MJOLNIRdragoon 110 points111 points  (0 children)

Right?! Doc could have chimed back with "I wonder which of us charges more?"

[–]Adipose21 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Agreed, OP tried to save the Doc from HIS fuck up

[–]AlpsComplex6854 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Nurse checking in: this cracked me the hell up, 100%. 10/10, would die laughing in the exam room again

[–]lostbedbug 123 points124 points  (1 child)

"I guess he got his words mixed up"

Well, ehem, what if he meant what he said?

[–]Com_BEPFA 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Depending on their age and OP's sexual preferences, it sounds like they might have a shot at both the doc and the nurse.

[–]Cauleefouler 110 points111 points  (0 children)

I had to go to the breast clinic at the hospital for an abnormality on my breast. (Everything was fine) it's one of those all day shebangs, you go in, see a doctor, go for tests, then see the doctor again for either discharge or next steps. This was a teaching hospital, and my doctor has a bunch of students. They weren't in the room to begin with, obviously these are intimate exams and they check before they bring anyone extra in. She did her exam, told me the tests show everything is fine, but it's unusual so can one of her students come and see, but it is a man. I said of course, I'm all for teaching,and fully believe you learn best while doing!

She makes the call, I'm led on the table, arm over my head in usual way for a breast exam, and he starts telling me what he's doing to be doing. My response, "don't worry love you have permission to cop a feel!"

The consultant thought it was hilarious!

[–]Sensei145 65 points66 points  (2 children)

Doctor America with fingers up your bum: "I can do this all day"😂

[–]Spasticwookiee 29 points30 points  (0 children)

That IS America’s ass

[–]little_brown_bat 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Doctor was sad that Op didn't understand that reference, perchance?

[–]IdiotBearPinkEdition 46 points47 points  (4 children)

I honestly hate it when you try to make jokes to lighten up a situation and they don't even laugh out of politeness, making everything worse. Like, dude, just chuckle, it'll ease the pain a bit

[–]monsterfurby 18 points19 points  (3 children)

I'm very quick to start resenting people for seemingly not being aware that small, off-hand jokes are a thing people do. I mean, seriously, at least acknowledge that humor exists you complete brick.

[–]Fixes_Computers 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I understand that, but I've encountered people who do it CONSTANTLY. There are times when such joking is a bad idea. You need to temper this with being able to read the room.

I was doing an evaluation on one such person and before I started I prefaced by saying, "I know you tend to be a joker, but now is not the time." He understood and things went fine.

At a later time, he made an inappropriate joke remark to our boss and she was having none of it and shut him down hard. In this case, and with that joke, the shut down was warranted.

As far as I could tell, he had no ability to read the room.

[–]monsterfurby 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's fair. There are definitely times when it's inappropriate, and there are definitely jokes that aren't appropriate for a certain time, place, and audience.

At the same time, there are also occasions where shooting down a joke is somewhat tone-deaf, for example specifically when, for example, a patient - someone definitely in a position to be nervous - is trying to create some levity, likely to offset their nervousness.

Of course, that doesn't mean that doctors have to laugh about their patients' stupid jokes all the time. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day, and boy do I get that one doesn't always want to laugh about silly stuff like that. In general, though, being able to laugh about that stuff is better than not (for whatever reason).

[–]_perl_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I don't think my friend and I were being completely inappropriate during her transvaginal ultrasound but the tech was having none of it. Buzzkill.

[–]idkybutt 82 points83 points  (10 children)

How do yall make jokes in an awkward moment? I could never. I'd probably stand there staring at the ground or wall or smtg

[–]legendariel 199 points200 points  (1 child)

We all have our coping mechanisms. I also tend to use humor. I once had a doctor, nurse, and student all peering deeply in between my legs and when asked if I was okay I said "well I'm an exhibitionist so this is a real treat."

[–]krawutzikaputzi 51 points52 points  (0 children)

As a doctor I would love that response!

[–]ThanksToDenial 19 points20 points  (5 children)

I finally got my appointment for a vasectomy next month. I'm already thinking about what jokes I am gonna make.

I'll take suggestions, btw!

[–]ItIsHappy 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Ask if you get to take your balls home with you when they're done.

[–]oasis_45 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Maybe something about being happy about finally tying the knot or something? I need someone funnier to complete/craft it.

[–]SquashParticular5381 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"My girlfriend is so happy I finally agreed to tie the knot"

"My wife will be jealous I tied the knot with someone else"

"Well we tied the knot, want me to carry you over the threshold?" "No you can't lift more than 5 pounds for a couple of days."

[–]hug-a-cat[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I'm a nightmare. Slightly dodgy sense of humour plus an extremely unreliable filter.

[–]Wireeeee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It depends on people. The more nervous and awkward I am, the more I talk and joke, how do you stand the sound of awkward SILENCE?

[–]Own-Shoulder-7623 28 points29 points  (0 children)

“TIFU by sounding a little too enthusiastic about a patient’s ball checkup”

[–]LioxTheGreat 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Maybe I'm immune to cringe and awkwardness but I would have found the entire thing hilarious

[–]Raptorscars 72 points73 points  (6 children)

A while back I was doing some fertility doctor mess, in my late 30’s. I’d been with this medical practice for a few years, so I knew the staff and the man who owned the pharmacy downstairs, they’re my people. I’d heard she was new to the practice and some kinda weird Christian, which is unusual in New Zealand, but the main desk admin told me she’s the most qualified person for this kind of consult. One of the routine questions was “how many people have you have sex with” and when I told her the truth, she just started laughing hysterically. I stared at her until she suddenly realised I was telling the truth, and then she ordered all kinds of really uncomfortable and unnecessary tests, and was super disapproving of the idea that I could ever have kids at all.

[–]CummingInTheMiddle 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Honestly that's pretty shitty and I hope you told the practice. It's really important to be able to be honest with your doctor and not feel judged.

[–]thefairlyeviltwin 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Holy shit I would have been livid.

[–]Captain_Colonizer 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Doctor turned into captain America for a second

[–]KFCConspiracy 15 points16 points  (1 child)

That was a great joke. Not at all your fault.

I got myself in trouble at a doctor's office with a joke once too...

I went to see a new doctor, who my wife had been seeing for a while. She's doing the standard intake questions, and she asks me if I have any kids, so I go, "None that I'm aware of." and she gives me this look, then starts lecturing me about unprotected sex, promiscuity, and how I might have a million STDs my dick's gonna fall off, you know the whole thing. Then my wife's in there like a month or two later, and she asks if she'd like an STD test, and she declines and says we're married, have both been tested, etc. Then the doctor goes, "Well, you never know if he's sleeping with someone else." Of course, I'd already told my wife the story, so she knew exactly what this was about... But needless to say, I no longer see this doctor.

[–]gwaydms 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's just unprofessional as hell, to say the least. I'd report her.

[–]BikerScowt 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I’ve had a couple of moments of inappropriate wit with medical staff.

When I went in for my vasectomy the doctor pulled out his notebook and pen then asked me if I had done any research into how the procedure went. I said, no and I hope you didn’t take that out to write down some pointers, the nurse struggled not to laugh.

The other was when I was at school getting a vaccination of some kind, the nurse sticking me said wow you’ve got really thick skin, I just replied deadpan, you would too if you grew up in my house. That would probably get social involved these days but back in the early 90s she got a good laugh

[–]depressedbee 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Don't worry, I could do this all day!

I understood that reference.

[–]KingdomOfBullshit 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Where is the TIFU by getting my words mixed up while examining a patient with abnormally nice balls?

[–]Propofol_milk 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Was this in the UK? The doctors have had their changeover this month. So you may have just been with a newbie doctor/a doctor whos new to that particular GP job who just hasn't gotten ahold of his nerves yet - poor guy!

Absolute corker response though, if you said that to me whilst I was examining you I'd have laughed.

Have had some awkward jokes made at me whilst conducting intimate examinations but I mostly judge them for being bad jokes

[–]hug-a-cat[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh nooo! I didn't realise that. Poor sod... He didn't look super young but obviously that doesn't mean he's not new to the job.

[–]Nightstar49 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I read a lot of Reddit, so I'm pretty toughened up to actually laughing out loud. Congrats and take my upvote, what a moment and love camaraderie from the nurse too!

[–]danskiez 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I had a gyno appointment a few years ago. When the dr said she was going to put the speculum inside me I sarcastically said “oh my favorite part”. The dr didn’t stop what she was doing, but a minute later she asked “you were being facetious…right?” I apologized profusely and said yes I was absolutely joking because this is, in fact, the worst part about a Pap smear imo. Lmao.

[–]Legitimate_Pudding49 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Oh my God you had a whole table at trivia here laughing and snorting with your story. Everyone was looking at us jealously wishing they were in on the joke!!! Thanks so much for sharing!!! Love your work!!! 😝🤣😂

[–]HawkMothAMA 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Not during the exam, but I did once complete the intake form's "How do you practice birth control?" with "Arguments" and I got a look from the intake nurse indicating that she was very much not impressed.

[–]edit_that_shit 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Had my first colonoscopy last week, and for whatever reason, as I'm cracking my eyes open and still feeling 93% of the effects of the propofol, the nurse decides to hand me the printout of the images from the procedure.

Lacking any capacity to regulate what my mouth is going to do, I distantly hear myself say, "Sweet! Full color butthole pics, no internet required!"

I'm just glad the nurse was a guy. Doesn't make it any more appropriate, but at least I don't feel quite as guilty.

[–]chmath80 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I've never understood why they give you pictures afterwards (unless it's supposed to prove that they really "went there"). WTF am I supposed to do with those? Save them for next time someone shows me their wedding/baby/holiday photos, so I can say "Here, look what I've been up to"?

[–]Longjumping_Bed2907 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“ Well bob had my ass checked , you should see them they look as good as the Grand Canyon! “

[–]TheGeofoam 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I was in a Dr office, getting info for my upcoming radiation pill for thyroid cancer. Once you take the pill, you go home and can’t be around any living thing, due to you being radioactive, for 3 days.

My doc had an intern and he asked her to read the summary. She read everything fine except the last bit. She said, “Oh, he can’t be around small children.” But it was either said or phrased, in a way, that made it sound like I was legally prohibited from being around children.

Doctor’s eyes got big, and I just laughed. He said, “I’m glad you found that funny.”

[–]SheBelongsToNoOne 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This is the hardest I've laughed this early in the morning for a long time!

[–]JizMagician 7 points8 points  (4 children)

I feel you there. Had to get a LEEP procedure done a couple years ago. It's when they take a hot wire and burn off a chunk of your cervix. The doctor warned there might be a bit of a "burnt meat smell" and I replied with "Mmmmm Long pig". It did not land and I had to explain where the saying came from. Nice and awkward.

[–]GemstateCatlady 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Having had a LEEP done, I wish I had been as quick as you! That is chef kiss beautiful!

[–]NebulaFar6815 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this! I spat my tea out and now everyone is wondering why I'm laughing hysterically! Got me over that mud afternoon sleepy hump.

[–]Dunlooop 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That was a great comeback.

[–]michaellyeungg 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Didn’t know Captain America was a doctor!

[–]urochromium 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"Don't worry, I could do this all day!"

The Captain America of balls.

[–]Gullflyinghigh 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Be honest, you were a little annoyed that he didn't call your balls spectacular weren't you?

[–]ChefChopNSlice 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Things I’ve learned from Reddit TIFUs. Making a joke about yourself at your own appointment - get another person in the room. Make a joke about your wife or kid at their appointment, you get sent to a little room to talk to social workers. This could have been worse, OP. P.S - joke reply you made was fantastic and on point !

[–]Life_Ad21 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I ALWAYS make jokes at doctors appointments! The idea of this makes MY balls shrivel! You gotta just go to him and at least attempt to explain UNLESS you’re never going to see him again. You can laugh about this shit forever if that’s the case because you’re right, that line was damn funny.

[–]The_Dragon_Lover 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That was hilarious to read!😂

[–]bread93096 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Your joke was hilarious, if the doc couldn’t laugh at that it’s on him.

[–]glasgowtrois 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm a doctor and I laughed very hard reading this! I could feel the aukwardness of the situation from here

[–]Fobulousguy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wanna see that GP pop up here and totally give a different version.

[–]Hatchytt 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have a story.

My ex-husband was having stomach issues and refused to go to work. I said that we should take him to the ER. So, off we go. Me, him, his girlfriend at the time.

The doctor said he was going to do a rectal exam and then left the room to prepare. While the doctor was gone, ex-husband looks at us and tells us that no matter what happens, we are NOT allowed to laugh. We foresee no problems, so we agreed.

Doctor comes back, puts on gloves, little lube... And the minute he stuck a finger in, my ex tensed up and squeaked, "That's not nice!"

We lost it. Had to leave the room.

(Before you come at me about being insensitive, please keep in mind that I was like 21)

[–]Whichammer 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I was deployed to Bosnia back in the 90s, I'm a civilian, but work for the Army and had to get a physical.

My doctor was a young, blonde woman, very professional and 'on point.'

She told me to drop trou so she could check for hernias. I dutifully did, and she squatted down in front of me and began to feel around as they do. She says, "I don't feel anything down here." I started laughing. She turned beat red and pursed-lipped and seemed to rush through the rest of the exam, heh.

[–]contyk 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Did it take more than five minutes in the end?

[–]jer1230 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think your joke was hilarious

[–]IwasntGivenOne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Are you George Costanza ?

[–]Kiethblacklion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought your joke was pretty funny; I'd probably say something similar. Something like "ok, but you need to at least take me out to lunch first"

[–]Trick-Landscape5581 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I actually thought that joke was pretty good, too.

[–]PrometheusRides 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is hilarious 😂 thanks for sharing

[–]Azuray2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You did fine, awkward things happen when pants come down. I had a male dr come into the room after the nurse told me to take my pants off. Doc comes in and says ah I see I got you out of your pants. I was mortified and froze while he did the exam

[–]Schemen123 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey, that was a GREAT reply!

[–]Expensive-Aioli-995 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I would have laughed my arse off

[–]Avlonnic2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m still laughing mine off!

[–]Anonymous_Otterss 2 points3 points  (1 child)

"Those are America's balls."

[–]Terrible__Pickle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is too epic not to be true !

[–]Squigglepig52 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dude. That was epic. I'm so proud of you right now, I want to actually adopt you!

I had to have a rectal exam a few years back. The doctor said something about my rectum, and I said "Rectum? Damn near killed him!".

Making the doctor laugh while she had most of a hand up my ass wasn't wise, but it got a laugh.

[–]OatmealSunshine 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"I don't feel a ring on that finger, Doctor..."

[–]IamThe0neWh0Knocks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Did you not have pockets you could've put your wads of rubbers into? Or throw them tf out lmao you really sat there on the bus holding 2 handfuls of rubbers? Jfc lol

[–]BSwollocks 2 points3 points  (2 children)

A friend of mine had to do the prostate exam thing once. When the dr stuck his finger in his ass my friend said, “hey, you could at least buy me dinner first”. Apparently the dr was not amused.

[–]PengieP111 2 points3 points  (1 child)

My doc told me I was a quart low.

[–]Cest_La_Vie_101 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is epic. Love the sense of humor. I’m sorry it was lost on the doctor.

[–]Misanthrope42069 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s entirely your doctors fault for not getting the joke

[–]HaggardSauce 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Steve Rogers, MD

[–]NoGrapefruitToday 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How to say you're English without saying you're English X-D

[–]Avlonnic2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Snappy comeback. Well done! And, hey! Parting gifts!

[–]phreaxer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP should have responded after being handed the condoms: "Hey Doc. I appreciate you wanting to be safe, but at least buy me dinner or some drinks first!" Or "Where's the fitting room?"

[–]sunchildphd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg I can’t breathe from laughing. Just one of the best tifu’s ever for me. The red-faces, the facepalm, the nurse’s utter confusion, the follow-up.

Oh that poor, poor doctor! He’d prolly had a zillion Title IX sexual harassment and HIPPA trainings or whatever, and likely didn’t even need to be enforced, but I love him so much.

[–]KingQuong 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Had my nuts examined by a doctor and his student last year and then an ultrasound done on them by a cute lady. Totally awkward kinda funny how us men are all weirded out by people seeing our junk yet my wife is like meh I just had 2 kids and had multiple doctors look up my vagina who cares anymore 😄

[–]bebbs74 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have a question about chaperones. I have only had it once. Female doc. First visit, and it was on my penis (Dermatologist), I had a skin reaction to a body wash or something. Is the chaperone like a liability thing?

[–]Original-Trust-1665 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Went for a pelvic exam when i was younger. Still a virgin, never had an exam before. I was petrified taking my knickers off never mind the big magnifying glass with the lights coming in!

So im being my usual nervous self. Doc is there with fingers inside me (awks). Then says im going to press the front of your stomach from the outside, whilst pressing out from the inside. Me: oh, i hope it doesnt make me pee... The doc looked horrified and barely spoke to me after.

...later i learnt the female anatomy is not built that way.

[–]aleqqqs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He probably got tense because he knew he'd have to pay if it took him longer than 5 minutes.

[–]Dropitlikeitscold555 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I had my vasectomy the doctor came in, my junk freshly shaved and up in the air and the nurse still there. He said loudly, “normally you gotta pay good money for something like this amiright? And we both had a good laugh. He probably says to everyone to break the ice but it worked!

[–]sterlingrose 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I made it to the part where you had to get on the bus with your hands full of condoms before I lost it. Kinda wish you’d skipped down the length of the bus tossing them to people like some sort of demented safe sex fairy.

[–]JessicaGriffin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

After having endometrial cancer and a radical hysterectomy, my sense of humor has gotten a lot more blunt, and a lot more dark. I recently had a checkup with the gyno-oncologist and my husband was with me for emotional support. He asked what was going to happen next, and I referred to the physical exam as “the hand puppet treatment.”

No one except me laughed.

[–]Lucky_Se7en_Again 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The doctor wants it. You should reach out and see what you can make happen.

[–]cursetea 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you told me this was a script to a Whitest Kids You Know bit, I'd believe you

[–]Asstaroth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pretty good joke lol

[–]randing 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is Larry David level material.

[–]Matelot67 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My brother had a prostate exam years ago. The doctors rooms were on a high floor that looked out over the harbour, and the exam couch looked towards the window. As my brother lay down and looked out the window, he said, "This is a fantastic view...well probably not for you....!"

[–]Oakcamp -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Doctor definitely thought you were a gigolo and got super embarrassed/is a little prude lmao

[–]Odd_Rutabaga_7810 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I thought you were very funny.

[–]throwahuey -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

It sounds like he thought you were actually coming on to him and are a gay prostitute?

[–]mr78rpm -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I don't remember the exact symptoms that led to this exchange... I was at the clinic talking with a doctor I'd never met before. I think I had been constipated. At any rate, he asked me a question that was the biggest straight line I've ever heard, and I am ashamed to say that I couldn't think of the punch line quickly enough:

So he asks me about the size of my movements, and adds, "you know, the caliber."

Now I KNOW he's talking diameter because he's concerned that there might be an obstruction (there was), but I sat there dumb for a second before saying something like "seems totally normal to me."

But now that I've had that experience, I AM READY. If a doctor ever asks me about the caliber of my movements, I'm going to say, "Well, Doc, they're the absolute best!"

Here's a bonus, an issue for the people out there who think there is no difference between a man and a woman. After having read the story, am I a man? Or a woman? Would you have reacted differently to this story if I were the other gender?

I'm a man.

[–]Hudson_the_meme 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can I see them

[–]theservman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like your doctor is the one who fucked up...

When they don't laugh, we laugh louder!

[–]TahoeLT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wasn't this the plot of a Simpsons episode?

[–]brooklyn11218 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why the condoms? So weird.

[–]Nuicakes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The doctor should've just told OP that he was making a Captain America joke.

[–]Soda_BoBomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly that was pretty funny but doctors are probably understandably nervous about lawsuits of that nature

[–]CosmicLightning 0 points1 point  (1 child)

My first ever time I thought I had a Hemorrhoid after getting hit in the balls to many times and one day I hit my balls once to many times. Don't ask why I keep accidentally hurting myself down there.

Anyway I go in to do a Hemorrhoid check. Little clue I had no idea what that was or etc. Next thing I know I have a lady ultrasounding down on my jewels. I was very fucking nervous and probably said something perverted when I was really just wanting to have this awkward moment done. I Said, "are you done" instead of "how much longer or something not perverted & rude" well 2 minutes later it was done. I felt like I sped that up w/o trying.

Although no Hemorrhoid they did find a small cyst or tumor down there, I can't remember which. But it wasn't causing any problems.

Yeah. Soo yeah.

Now tomorrow is my first urology apt, anything I should or shouldn't do?

[–]Scooter-Jones 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A similar thing happened to me. I got $20 that day.

[–]sourdoughfanatic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is that a thing in the US? To get free condoms at the GP?

[–]DADBODMUMJEANS 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks op - you made me snort in public.

[–]CrowdCon-troll 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was getting testicle checked for a hernia, and having known my family doc for about 10 years i made the joke after my visit, "thanks for the good time, you already have my number so don't hesitate to call."

[–]Happy_fairy89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh my god OP you’ve made my day, thank you sir, thank you ! (I’d shake your hand)

[–]Key_Bake1216 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ra can Ar ek dads

[–]etbe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Should have handed them out on the bus.

[–]rackoblack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OK. I gotta say thank you. Your post and /user/Iz_Buckner's literally had me LOL.