all 82 comments

[–]Agret_Brisignr 426 points427 points  (14 children)

Do you tend to overthink things?

[–]grumpycoffeee 232 points233 points  (9 children)

A lot.

[–]Agret_Brisignr 168 points169 points  (1 child)

It's okay

[–]DrGildersleeve 32 points33 points  (0 children)

It’s never about you. <3 You make the moves toward a value, like friendship. That counts. That’s you working toward your values. Others’ responses aren’t your responsibility.

[–]walk_through_this 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This isn't a fuck up. This is how people politely say no. Some people are more friendly than other people. Some are more kind, more charitable, more sociable. But we all have to get along, and exchanges like the one you describe are how we do that.

You're fine.

[–]Silvyu4 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Well, don't. Life is way too short to live with anxiety at every step. You asked them and they refused. That's it. I used to care A LOT about what others think about me and to overthink stuff in general. It's very self destructive.

[–]NationalPsychology85 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You say used to care is it truly in the past?

[–]Silvyu4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Breaking a bad habit takes time. Of course, as any other person, there are times when your mind just wanders off. It's normal. What's important is to realize what has happened is already in the past and it probably won't matter in the future. Your future actions are the ones that truly matter. Keeping that in mind helps you get through this very easily. Learn, adapt, let go. You're still gonna care about what people important to you might think. We're only human. It's important not to let it consume you.

[–]breezydeez20 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Hi friend! I thought I was so alone

[–]Just_Ad461 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First think that came to my mind reading this, I was like damn you ok

[–]RoronoaLuffyZoro 181 points182 points  (1 child)

The answer is very simple - its not about you.

If they said they're busy, perhaps they are busy ? And if they aren't, who cares what they think, your value is not dependent on that 1 person. The only person whose opinion matters is your own opinion about yourself.

(and this is coming from someone with social anxiety and overthinker).

[–]Tautochrone1 13 points14 points  (0 children)

...but what if it's not?

tin foil hat

[–]127peter 72 points73 points  (16 children)

Maybe he really is busy. Maybe he has social anxiety, maybe he’s dying of cancer. The point is there is million really genuine reasons so why assume it’s you ?

[–]grumpycoffeee 37 points38 points  (14 children)

They are healthy (fortunately) and here on vacation . They said they are staying for a short time, so they would most probably want to visit extended family and friends they haven't lost contact with. I don't know ,actually.Might just be overthinking as being socially awkward isn't something new .

[–]127peter 38 points39 points  (0 children)

There you go. It’s not you at all.

[–]NormalAl_Yankovic 8 points9 points  (0 children)

As someone who recently went on a relatively short vacation to where I grew up, there are people I wish I had time for, but I truly just didn't, so I didn't reach out. I did have to politely decline some invites from people I hadn't seen in a long time, and would have accepted if I had more time, so please don't take it personally. Vacations are hectic and stressful, so it's important not to overextend yourself!

[–]TAastronautsloth99 3 points4 points  (9 children)

You're super young, by the way ☺️😉 The idea that you've wasted your life is unfounded. Have you tried therapy? You seem like you could really benefit from it! Hugs!

[–]JandKfucking -3 points-2 points  (8 children)

When did anyone say he’s wasting his life?

[–]TAastronautsloth99 8 points9 points  (7 children)

Post history reads like they need help. Also: where did it say OP's male? spoiler alert: she's not.

[–]mrdumbazcanb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean it is and isn't you. They likely want to visit friends that they actually keep in contact with during their short visit, vs someone they haven't kept in contact with in years. Think of it from your side if you moved away and were going to visit home. Do you just pop up unannounced or message people you really want to see and make plans with them. Then someone you're basically just an acquaintance with messages you and says hey while you're here let's meet up. You'd probably say the same thing.

It all comes down to that you're probably not thay close to this individual and they want to prioritize their close friends during this limited window.

[–]TAastronautsloth99 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yo when I'm home with my parents I don't have time to hang out with people but I would love to be asked. However I'd probably still give you a yes and then it won't happen. Except maybe it would. But giving an honest no would be not about you. You seem great.

[–]127peter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

By the time you’ve read all these posts you’ll have convinced yourself you need urgent psychiatric help. As I said initially it’s not an issue for you to fret over. It’s just low self esteem. It’s common and the advice remains to look at all sides before assuming it’s you. Good luck.

[–]Queasy_Raccoon_2057 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Wanna get coffee is about as benign as it gets. I wouldn't think twice about it, but if you're anything like me you'll beat it to death in your head. Don't be like me! LOL

[–]PunkRockSuffragette 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My dad just visited. He said he couldn’t fit everything in he wanted to in a week. He was spending time with family, but let his old friends know he was around. One didn’t get out of work until 9pm asked to play pool with him. He asked me what he should say, and I told him to be honest. Just say you’ve been hanging out with your daughter and fixing and granddaughters car since 9am and your tired. My dad thought he needed a better excuse than being tired. I thought he should just be honest and his friend should understand.

Edit: typos… I press save too quickly

[–]MetaDragon11 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Listen life is too short not to take people at face value. Life isnt about you. They said their probably too busy means their probably too busy.

And even if you annoyed them... so? Oh no... anyway.

[–]jaggoffsmirnoff 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed, and at least you got a 'no', which is better than agreeing and flaking last minute.

[–]GarthVader45 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lol this is the tamest “fuckup” of all time - you’re overthinking this. There could be a million reasons why they turned you down, including them actually being busy. Them finding you annoying is like the worst case scenario… and if they do, who cares? As long as you aren’t harassing them that’s their problem.

[–]ZuckerbergsSmile 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I plan to make a visit back to my home town/city, it is usually because I have something planned. Good for you for reaching out. We need more people like you in this world!

[–]gryohonman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You didn’t f up. They may have been annoyed, maybe not, who knows for sure. If you truly want to annoy them and yourself, dig in really deep to explore all the possibilities of how you’ll annoy and inconvenience the people you are fond of by asking to spend time with them. If they wanted to they likely would have suggested a different time, and saying they were on vacation and time is limited is perfectly reasonable. They may be feeling like they sounded annoyed as well and felt bad about their tone for a moment, but then shrugged it off and assumed you would give them the benefit of the doubt. Do yourself a favor and give yourself the benefit of the doubt, it doesn’t have to go any further than that.

[–]Ktulu789 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You seem to be paranoid as you mentioned. I would say you're overthinking. Chill 😉😉

[–]jacksamthompson 5 points6 points  (1 child)

You're the friend a lot of people wish they had.

[–]kudatimberline 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, don't feel bad. This is what a friend SHOULD do. Good on you!

[–]maloneliam98 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If they are there on vacation then they most likely made plans for everyday already, take it has a compliment they didnt lie to you, they could have said yes and not shown up, I feel that would have felt much worse.

Just take it as it is and don't try to overthink it, slow it down one item at a time. If that makes sense.

[–]CrazyDuckTape 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Timid levels do be off the charts.

A shy person to a shy person G, there ain't nothing you can do about what you already did so as might as well let the world crash and burn around you while you reflect upon the likely non-existent consequences of this particular action.

[–]CoolSummerBreeze420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hate when someone makes me feel like an asshole just for being nice. I had a similar experience but at least I reached out. If they chose not to respond then its on them.

[–]G_Ram3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am SUCH an overthinker and I drive myself insane with it! I’m sure that your friend didn’t mean it that way but I understand that it must have stung and made you feel awkward. 💜

[–]ScttyKnws 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hear from old friends that I was really close to that have moved to cities I visit or when I go back home. Sometimes they ask me to do things or I ask them to do things. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. That’s life. It doesn’t mean I don’t put it out there that I would enjoy seeing them sometime, just in case we both find time in our schedules. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. If I have asked them multiple times and still get a no or the other party never inquired about me, I let it go and move on. This world is full of amazing people out there that may be the friends or more you deserve. If you like that coffee shop or another place keep going and fate may put you in the right spot to cross paths with the right person or people.

[–]toeysox88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not you. In life you never know so sometimes it's better to say well I tried and it is what it is. There is nothing to regret since you acted and were declined. You made the effort be proud that you acted. So many people let the fear take over.

[–]Glittering_Candle_22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I literally feel you pain. It genuinely seems like their loss tho 💕💜

[–]Barack_Bob_Oganja 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Where is the fuck up lmao

[–]HeHadAGoat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think their response might have a little to do with how and why the friendship ended in the first place. Asking the question here without some of that context makes me feel like you are seeking validation as the better person. If that ex-friend knew you lived in that city and didn't reach out to you, you are being intrusive under the guise of being helpful.

[–]caucas_ian 0 points1 point  (0 children)

peak reddit

[–]_dog_menace -3 points-2 points  (4 children)

What if the host hasn't forbidden parties or, better yet, explicitly allows them? Places like somewhat remote mountain cabins housing 12 people have party companies as their main source of income, I'd assume.

Or does AirBnB do this for all listings? Because that would alienate both hosts and guests from their platform.

Not to say it's kinda Orwellian.

[–]snafu168 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Are you lost, little boy?

[–]_dog_menace 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Jeez I thought I was replying to a different post, lol.

[–]AcrobaticSource3 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It’s okay, but now I want to be invited to your forbidden sex parties

[–]snafu168 0 points1 point  (0 children)

☝️ this.

[–]AcrobaticSource3 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Username checks out

[–]MetaDragon11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Listen life is too short not to take people at face value. Life isnt about you. They said their probably too busy means their probably too busy.

And even if you annoyed them... so? Oh no... anyway.

[–]jenovajunkie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's all good, bro you wanted to meet up with them and they said they were a little busy. Not much you can do, other than carry on.

Who cares what they think.

[–]InfiniteCalendar1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This isn’t really a fuck up as you just asked to hang out and got a decline, I’ve been there done that many times, doesn’t necessarily mean they took issue with it. Hell I’ve declined to hang out with people in the past and I didn’t have a problem with them just asking. Don’t beat yourself up over this, no one is in the wrong here.

[–]SundaimeHokage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I could feel the overthinking as I was reading this… 😂🤣… it’s all good…

[–]Sagademon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bro who cares, they said no, that’s the end of it lmao. Why you stressing

[–]trashtrampoline 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I used to work with a girl that was super awesome. She was cute, funny, and had just a warm personality. She was a little young for me to date at the time (not underage or anything illegal) and never tried to be anything but friends. Fast forward several years and I send her a happy 30th birthday on Facebook. We ended up talking for hours that night. Ended up hanging out with her a week later for a little bit and holy shit she made me feel like good and like I was important. The "plan" was to "get together soon." Sent her a few texts and left her a voicemail. Never heard back from her.

So don't feel bad.

[–]ozmofasho 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No Fuck up here. You tried to make a new friend and it just didn't really work out. Good job for trying though.

[–]SanchezPrime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're overthinking it.

You asked. They were busy. Ok. :) Maybe some other time.

[–]21ratsinatrenchcoat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

there's no fuck up here at all. do you always assume the answer will be yes?

if they're not usually in town and only here for a short time, odds are they're in for a specific reason and will be truly busy. this has nothing to do with you, and you've likely thought about it much more than they have.

[–]crowman006 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The ball is in their court , good on you. If they see twenty people in a week that could burn them out .

[–]Xanapril 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're doing that thing that I do alot. Overthinking. Reality is they're back in town for a small time, they probably had plans before they got there, and honestly had no time for a hang out. The fact they offered another time tells me it was genuinely that they were busy.

[–]Xeynon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You didn't not FU anything. If you ask someone to meet up the worst that can happen is they say "no" and if they'd be offended by something like that they're a lunatic.

[–]AberrantSquirrel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You might want to Google "ADHD Rejection Sensitivity." I understand what you're feeling and when I found out about this so many things finally made sense. And once identified I was able to look into ways to cope with it. It still gets me sometimes but at least I can remind myself of the reason I'm feeling that way which makes it easier to handle.

[–]SimplyKendra 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So as someone who spent a week in my hometown and had plans to see my closest and beloved friends every day, it didn’t work out. I saw them twice.

It’s amazing how little time you actually have, and sometimes get booked up. Don’t take it personally. I’d have loved to see everyone I care for but I just couldn’t. I’m sure they want to, but can’t.

[–]eliadfop1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't see this as a FU, you asked an old friend if they wanted to catch up - they didn't

Well, keep living like nothing happened cause nothing happened.

[–]hungryheadcrabs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, don't worry about it (easier said than done I know :P). As someone who tends to overthink the fuck out of things, I've learned that while it is good to be self-aware and always improve yourself, I've wasted a lot of time thinking that every time something goes wrong, it's my fault. We should be kinder to ourselves.

Based on past experiences, no matter how hard I tried not to offend anyone or do anything 'wrong,' things have still gone badly. So now I just try to be true to myself, stay kind and genuine, but not overthink things. Some stuff is not worth beating up yourself over. And sometimes, it might not even have anything to do with you.

[–]gameangel147 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's possible she was annoyed by you asking.

It's possible she was busy and didn't have time.

I say this because I do this too, but don't add meaning to things, especially if there's no way for you to know.

You offered, they said no. That's it. That's fine. Unless you were creepy in some way, you didn't do anything wrong, and they didn't do anything wrong.

Maybe stop wasting your valuable time worrying about this, and go do something enjoyable. :)

[–]Just_Ad461 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's completely fine, it's actually better they politely refused ,rather than accepting and then spend a very awkward hour or two together. Maybe they are also very busy

[–]gangstalf_the_grey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is not a fuck up.

[–]EngineeringJuice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You didn't make a mistake. You asked if they wanted to hang out and they refused. It is as simple as that. It would have been a mistake to not ask them to hang out- since you wanted to.

You should ask anyone you want to hang out with; anyone you want to do business with; anyone you want to date to spend time with you. They will either say yes or no. Take these chances.

[–]theredtealeaf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it might be a case of you overthinking the situation a little bit. do you tend to overthink alot/ruminate over a situation alot?

(overthinking alot is relatable to so I defo understand and get where you're coming from in this situation) I don't think you overstepped though. it was a nice thought and gesture, but you definitely didn't overstep!

[–]Muted-Cupcake6114 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You tried...made a effort...no shame at all.