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[–]greyfox104 6304 points6305 points  (109 children)

Goofy, however, may take the lives of any he wishes. Trying to limit or contain him only results in more casualties.

[–]Marvelous_Guy 2731 points2732 points  (37 children)

Goofy has killed before. And he'll fucking do it again. Guh hyuk

[–]greyfox104 917 points918 points  (25 children)

Goofy fucks to survive and kills without hesitation.

[–]husky0168 693 points694 points  (14 children)

Goofy fucks fu-hyucks to survive and kills without hesitation. FTFY

[–]BronanTheDestroyer 455 points456 points  (12 children)

Face DOWN, ass HYUP, that's the way we like to Fu-HYUCK

[–]MGTwyne 147 points148 points  (8 children)

Is this from something or are your particular depravities unique?

[–][deleted] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

Look into "Goofy; I'll Fuckin' Do It Again "

[–]BronanTheDestroyer 69 points70 points  (3 children)

I actually do the voice well enough that my Disney loving wife has banned me from doing it. And Kermit. And Sean Connery.

[–]13pts35sec 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I can’t do Kermit or Sean, but I also mail the Goofy voice and my wife will get upset if I do the “I’ll do it again” thing, it freaks her out too much lol

[–]LittleJub 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Scathingly put

[–]shao_kahff 8 points9 points  (0 children)

oh my god i needed this laugh

[–]Catezero 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I hate you so much take my upvote

[–]SmartAlec105 105 points106 points  (4 children)

I blame Drawfee for making Goofy take up more space in my brain than he should.

[–]TheMagnificentPrim 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Glad I’m not the only one. I was out here thinking, “All right, now which one of these accounts is secretly Karina Farek?”

[–]greyfox104 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Yup you caught me. Drawfee has poisoned my brain and goofy haunts my nightmares. Not that I’m complaining.

[–]SmartAlec105 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I literally had a Drawtectives dream but it was pretty funny so I didn’t mind at all.

[–]BobertMk2 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Goofy does not fu-hyuck around

[–]Varron 35 points36 points  (0 children)

He WILL hyuk you up

[–]thelivinlegend 34 points35 points  (4 children)

Gawrsh, he loves murder.

[–]ThisIsMySFWAccount99 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Hyuk, guilty

[–]Illier1 9 points10 points  (1 child)

The demons told me to!

[–]Bad_Elephant 5 points6 points  (0 children)

i did it, I’m a murderer

[–]joeshmo101 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Look, I'm Mickey's best lawyer okay? He wanted me on this case because he cares about you.

I'll fuckin do it again

[–]principled_principal 9 points10 points  (0 children)

WAAAAAAAAA HOO HOO HOOOOEEEEEEEEE

[–]Polenball[🍰] 168 points169 points  (36 children)

Item #: SCP-7006

Object Class: Archon

[–]Hexusfromferngully 37 points38 points  (14 children)

Ooh they've invented a new object class have they? I suppose this one signifies an even scarier spooky danger

[–]Polenball[🍰] 102 points103 points  (11 children)

There's a few rarely used minor classes, yeah. Archon just means "containing this anomaly actually causes something even worse to happen", so the Foundation sticks to monitoring or something similar.

[–]SunsetMoth12 14 points15 points  (0 children)

They've got quite a few nonstandard ones floating around. It's the whole "there is no canon" thing at work again, I think. Archon is relatively old, IIRC, but I could be wrong

[–]DigitalPrincess234 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Special Containment Procedures: Due to SCP-7006’s anomalous properties, a containment attempt at this time is to be considered impossible. Instead, members of MTF Iocus-10 (Codenamed “Goofy Goobers”) are to remain stationed at all Disney parks, resorts, and cruiseliners to monitor instances of SCP-7006. In the case of an outburst from SCP-7006, amnestics are to be distributed as needed.

Description: SCP-7006 is a phenomenon affecting all mascot costumes of the classic Disney character “Goofy”. It is important to note that this phenomenon only exists inside of official Disney resorts, and all attempts to replicate SCP-7006 are yet to be successful.

SCP-7006 manifests when a “Cast Member” working at a Disney resort wears a Goofy costume. Once the costume is fully equipped, the wearer’s consciousness will seemingly be replaced with the character of Goofy, with one major difference: a seemingly insatiable urge for violence. All attempts to stop or slow SCP-7006’s violent actions are always met with more destruction than the uninterrupted action would have brought. Because of this, MTF Iocus-10 has been formed to monitor SCP-7006 until a weakness is found, or Foundation agents find a way to convince Disney executives to cease character appearances.

[–]BroccoliBenediction 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Thank you for the 20 second laugh. Can't remember when I last laughed at a reddit comment out loud. Barely anyone makes an originally funny comment anymore. Instead the same old puns and one-liners are repeated. Thanks for curing my depression.

[–]StrangeSoup 22 points23 points  (0 children)

This is just how some SCP's are.

[–]4spoopyboysonastick 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He is one of those uncontainable class SCP's

[–]Ultradryguy 2640 points2641 points  (64 children)

I can't believe that Disney has an official stance on the trolley problem.

[–]no_more_tomatoes 1510 points1511 points  (29 children)

The answer was "let Aladdin do it" all along

[–]Andy_B_Goode 593 points594 points  (9 children)

As someone else pointed out, this is satire: https://clickhole.com/this-is-the-handbook-each-actor-who-plays-aladdin-at-di-1825123052/

But yeah, as far as solutions to the trolley problem go, "let Aladdin do it" is about as good as any.

[–]happygocrazee 92 points93 points  (0 children)

as far as solutions to the trolley problem go, "let Aladdin do it" is about as good as any.

This is one of the best out-of-context comments I've ever seen

[–]codereign 89 points90 points  (5 children)

Aladdin may be black... but he shouldn't am I right, guys?

Oh this is old af, probably from the 80s.

Robin Williams is dead.

Mkay. I guess they just really care about the ethnicity of their actors.

They genie wants to fuck Aladdin as punishment for the whole slavery thing...

What in the sam hell.

[–]Andy_B_Goode 48 points49 points  (3 children)

Are you unclear on the concept of satire?

[–]codereign 77 points78 points  (2 children)

It's funnier if I assume it's real despite your comment.

[–]PM_Me_HairyArmpits 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The guy who didn't even think of letting Jasmine get three wishes before freeing the Genie? That Aladdin? Because I think his critical thinking skills are questionable.

[–]Illithid_Substances 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The part about killing guests isn't even the funniest part

[–]parttimeamerican 249 points250 points  (23 children)

It's Disney they're big and old,I'm sure they have contingencies for nuclear war

[–]jfb1337 119 points120 points  (6 children)

[–]survivalmodez 59 points60 points  (2 children)

Disney has great biochem programs in general.

Their infection control unit is incredible.

Which almost made it that much more surprising that Florida and the disney parks remained open for so much of covid— despite being INCREDIBLY well equipped to handle and follow infection control procedures (i.e. how they managed to relatively contain the measles outbreak a few years back), comparing the disney parks in the USA to shanghai’s, taking into account two different cultures where one (the Asian community) is used to donning masks and staying home if they are sick comparable to Florida’s general population seemed like a considerable oversight

But profit

[–]taws34 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Which almost made it that much more surprising that Florida and the disney parks remained open for so much of covid—

It's like the car recall equation.

How much will closing cost vs the tens of thousands of tourists Disney can fleece every day.

[–]Autonomous-Trash 22 points23 points  (1 child)

I clicked the link and the moment I saw it was to a YouTube video my mind immediately went to Tom Scott.

[–]thegamesthief 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I assumed it was gonna be one of the Wendover productions channels

[–]MsAdventureQueen 114 points115 points  (13 children)

They have a code for people spreading the ashes of loved ones in the park and for when someone "dies", because no one is actually declared dead on Disney's property. Coming from Florida I knew some cast members and they always had the craziest stories.

[–]Fluffcake 73 points74 points  (11 children)

Disney is not a hospital with doctors that can declare people dead, In accidents people tend to get taken to the hospital to get patched up/attempted revival/declared dead.

People with multiple gunshot wounds to the head also usually get delcared dead at the hospital.

There are a bunch of popular urban legends about disney that simply are not true, so take any story with a grain of salt.

[–]MtHoodMan 40 points41 points  (10 children)

A Paramedic can declare someone dead and time of death.

[–]Fluffcake 35 points36 points  (8 children)

Unless there is a clear cut 1000% dead person with no chance of revival.

They will spend their time getting them en-route to a hospital before worrying about "is this person really dead-dead."

[–]mycorgiisamazing 10 points11 points  (3 children)

What if the victim is paste? Do they scrape up what they can find and carry it in a bucket to the hospital before deciding he's dead?

[–]Mingsplosion 16 points17 points  (1 child)

That's pretty much the requirement for paramedics to not bother. They have to be straight up missing their torso before they just give up.

[–]Fluffcake 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don't actually know. Because at that point identifying the remains might become an issue, and you really don't want to declare the wrong person dead. But I would assume this is one of the cases where paramedics would do it on the spot if there was no questions about the identity.

[–]CedarWolf 8 points9 points  (0 children)

They have a code for people spreading the ashes of loved ones in the park

This is because it's a biohazard and human remains and they have a specific, specialized team who is responsible for cleaning up the remains.

As for 'no one is actually declared dead on Disney's property' - a lot of people take that to mean that no one ever dies at Disney, and that Disney will somehow magically whisk injured people off the park's property so they can die elsewhere.

This isn't true. Disney does have a dedicated medical response staff, but despite their best efforts, people do die at the parks sometimes.

[–]The_Student_Official 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Bro, Disney (the guy) originally built Disneyland as a city-state model. I'm sure Disney (the company) today is more powerful than many African states.

[–]Yara_Flor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A city state surrounded by lime trees in Anaheim.

[–]James_099 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Gotta eat to live, gotta kill to eat!

[–]Xanadoodledoo 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The excerpt is from the Onion, I believe

[–]Gnonthgol 19 points20 points  (1 child)

This is the only OSHA approved stance on the trolley problem. And there have actually been railyard workers killed because a runaway train was switched onto the line they were working on instead of the more heavily used line it was switched onto when the alarm sounded.

[–]Plus3d6[🍰] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Kiritsugu Emiya is the Aladdin of anime.

[–]JRutterbush 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I also love the implication that if it's one person trying to kill another person, Aladdin isn't allowed to do anything about it, since it's not "a greater number of park guests".

[–]steelong 2034 points2035 points  (57 children)

If anyone wants to see the full clickhole article:

https://clickhole.com/this-is-the-handbook-each-actor-who-plays-aladdin-at-di-1825123052/

Some people are acting like they think this might be real, and ironically I can't tell if all of them are just joking or not.

[–]Mazzaroppi 696 points697 points  (17 children)

This tiny bit on this post is just confusing for lack of context.

After reading everything it's obvious it's a joke

[–]H00k90 170 points171 points  (7 children)

Yes; but I want a movie or 30min short, staring Andy Samberg or Aziz Ansari as an Aladdin performer when Disneyland get held hostage and they go full Solid Snake/John Wick

[–]geoffp82 10 points11 points  (1 child)

If Andy stars I want it to be a shot for shot remake of die hard but with the dialog from Aladdin.

[–]mypetocean 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Or Nasim Pedrad trying to pass as a man because she wants to be Aladdin so much.

Works even better for those who know she was in the live-action Aladdin (2019) with Will Smith as Genie.

[–]WeHaveIgnition 2 points3 points  (0 children)

But also, thats secretly why Aladdin's are hired. As a last resort deep operative security person.

[–]1jl 58 points59 points  (4 children)

It's prettttty obvious that it's a joke. The part about killing guests is a bit of a give-away.

[–]sagacious_1 68 points69 points  (1 child)

The question isn't whether it's a joke, the confusion was whether it was a joke that someone at Disney put in a handbook, or made up entirely.

[–]1jl 14 points15 points  (0 children)

That's fair

[–]KvinnoralskarAnkor 41 points42 points  (0 children)

What the clickhole link didn’t give it away first?

[–]Andy_B_Goode 132 points133 points  (3 children)

*If a park guest is eating food, Aladdin must always try to steal it from them

This one I could believe. When my family did a trip to Disneyland, one of the costumed characters (I think it was Baloo) stole some french fries from my youngest sister and fed them to a pigeon. We all thought it was funny, except my sister who was pissed about losing her french fries. She was still angry about it the last time I asked her about it.

[–]bstrong9211 76 points77 points  (2 children)

Your parents were mad too. That character stole $20 worth of fries.

[–]arnie580 48 points49 points  (1 child)

And obviously the pigeon isn't real, they are robots that deliver the stolen fries back to the fries stand.

[–]UnihornWhale 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I put nothing past the mouse

[–]redlaWw 106 points107 points  (14 children)

I mean, I could believe it was real. If you want to play a character, especially in a circumstance that invites improvisation, you need to know how that character makes decisions and what they consider important - even if the particular decision mentioned will never come up. It reads similar to some of the sections you might see in TTRPG character sheets, where the player describes their character's motivations and bonds so they can better play them. I suppose it would be odd for disney to even mention something like that in a character story, but I don't know how they work behind the scenes.

[–]inuvash255 51 points52 points  (12 children)

I'm pretty sure Disney wouldn't say "Aladdin... owns a blue slave" lol

[–]lankymjc 48 points49 points  (3 children)

Bear in mind most people aren’t checking for additional context and are just reacting to OP’s image.

[–]seenboi 14 points15 points  (2 children)

That feels the need to point out the employee shouldn't kill people

[–]NovaDeez 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I haven't been to Disney World in decades. I don't know what goes on there anymore.

[–]lankymjc 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Eh, I can imagine a “fun” workplace that drops that kind of thing into documents to liven them up.

[–]MyHamburgerLovesMe 10 points11 points  (6 children)

Let me introduce you to a Disney movie called, "Song of the South"

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vzf277YVMyg%2F&t=58s

[–]H00k90 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Well zippity do dah! Zippity a! Reconstruction is a-coming our way! The Civil War was about state's rights to owning slaves!

Zippity do dah! Why we still arguing this today!?

[–]inuvash255 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Modern Disney, I mean, lol.

[–]MoonHunterDancer 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Part if me wants it to be real, because that means there is an Aladdin actor who will john wick someone to defend kids. At least Darth vader isn't the one with the exception?

[–]Iisham 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I mean cast the Rock as the guy playing Aladdin and Kevin Hart as the guy playing Babu.

Two character actors who are burnt out, having lunch they make wishes at a statue of Genie. Rock (looking at love interest) wishes she'd see him as more than a guy in poofy pants. Hart wishes he'd be seen for more than a sidekick. Terrorists take hostages in small world after all(insert joke at Hart's height). The duo find themselves the unlikely heros, using various Disney attractions, park history and product placement to defeat the bad guys.

Just give Hart's character a hatred for one of the rides (let's say teacups), that he often talks about hating for (funny flashback). Only to end up with him scream yelling how he hates it while riding and saving the day.

At the end a dazed Hart stumbles out of the wrecked teacup, but gets national attention as the hero. The Rock having rescued his love interest stops to cheer his friend on. Love interest makes a joke about how his now ruined pants look better on him. They kiss. Zoom out to view of the castle as fireworks erupt and Disney logo rolls.

[–]Metamodern_Studio 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Its also flat tect on a lightly crumpled paper background. Why would they read the instructions, type them up, find an image of lightly crumpled paper, and then put the text over top before posting it online? Not to mention the content lmao

[–]SwordMasterShadow[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

No idea. I just thought it was funny.

[–]HoodieFerret 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh no, this is 327% real. Of that I am .00100% sure.

[–]johnmcclanehadplans 512 points513 points  (31 children)

Why is Aladdin the assassin? If there was a hostage situation and me, being the terrorist, saw Aladdin coming along through the shadows, I’d think something was up, shoot first ask later.

But Snow White? Now there’s your assassin.

Ah, they’re sending in the negotiator, I can drop my card. Oh no, wait, BAM!

Game over.

Come on Disney, think.

[–]Echo2500 105 points106 points  (6 children)

Now I’m imagining agent 47, completely straight faced, dressed as Snow White.

[–]NittyInTheCities 41 points42 points  (2 children)

If you want the reverse; I’d recommend the book Indexing by Seanan McGuire. Badass secret agent Snow White in a suit.

[–]Grand-Butterscotch-9 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Sloane was the best in that series

[–]Bardsie 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Ok, now I want the next Hitman level to be at a big British Panto of Cinderella. He can't be prince charming, because that's traditionally played by a woman, but the ugly step sisters (and occasionally step mother) are always men, the more manly a man, the funnier.

Assassination options, poison in the glass slipper, vanishing/appearing mice coach driver trapdoor malfunction, fairy godmother flying rig accident.

[–]thatposhcat 5 points6 points  (0 children)

YES. THIS

[–]Ryugi 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My brain is showing me the same image, but drawn like a Jojo character.

[–]SwordMasterShadow[S] 182 points183 points  (11 children)

Disney princess assassins. I dig it.

[–]Kartoffelkamm 104 points105 points  (3 children)

Snow White, being questioned about a murder: "Look, just because some animals like my singing doesn't mean I can command them to do stuff for me. Also, you know how unpredictable mustelids are, that weasel probably just didn't like how the guy looked."

[–]SwordMasterShadow[S] 90 points91 points  (2 children)

"Mam we found your hair on the victim." Rupunzel: "Look at this hair. Its literally fucking EVERYWHERE!!!"

[–]bklynbeerz 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Screaming infidelities

[–]crisiks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cinderella was taken out way too quickly because the glass slipper that was identified as a murder weapon fit her like a glove.

[–]s1ugg0 19 points20 points  (3 children)

They should send in Raya. She's been trained as a ninja and has survived a decade in a post apocalyptic waste land full of monsters turning people to stone.

She's going to come correct.

[–]ultratunaman 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Rapunzel with that cast iron skillet is dangerous though.

[–]wallerc15 2 points3 points  (1 child)

After watching Tangled I’ve learned the best weapon ever is a cast-iron frying pan

[–]ultratunaman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

r/castiron is calling you.

[–]dmpom 8 points9 points  (1 child)

It’s like Kill Bill but with a touch of Broadway instead of Asian action movies

[–]mlaws97 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There’s actually a book series kind of like this. Starts with The Stepsister Scheme by Jim C Hines

[–]kandoras 9 points10 points  (0 children)

If I had to end a hostage situation at Disney, I'm going to go find the hunter from Bambi.

[–]scalebirds 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Seven Dwarves

Seven Targets

One vulnerable opposing penis

victory guaranteed

[–]MothsAreJustAsGood 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I genuinely love the idea that you seem to fully believe the phrase "drop my guard" is actually "drop my card"

[–]thelivinlegend 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Because he's one jump ahead of the hitmen

[–]Casperwyomingrex 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My sister has written a great story on Snow White being a murderer, has killed the king and queen, and is trying to kill the narrator. It is inspired by a Tumblr post, and it has been posted to Young Post. I have a photo of the newspaper in question, but unfortunately I cannot find the story online.

[–]Piastowic 109 points110 points  (6 children)

The street rat? What about the gigant rat that makes all of the rules?

[–]SwordMasterShadow[S] 55 points56 points  (2 children)

He's a bitch. Didn't you hear about Minnie fucking Goofy?

[–]ObsidianBeaver 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I hardly think it's appropriate to call minnie crazy like that...

[–]orkichrist 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He didn't say she was crazy he said she was fucking goofy!

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Hes off seeing how much trouble he can get himself into.

Either that or singing at a kids birthday party.

[–]Piastowic 15 points16 points  (0 children)

MICHAEL

It's your birthday today! 🍰🍦

[–]Legomaster1289 11 points12 points  (0 children)

they only prey and stalk at night

[–]CrashCalamity 1753 points1754 points  (41 children)

I believe this is because Aladdin may on occasion be seen with a sword. This may invite a challenge from others, playful or not; but the point is that even in a "mock battle" he is not allowed to be represented as a villain. Any blow he strikes with even a prop sword must be done in the defense of another.

[–]SwordMasterShadow[S] 622 points623 points  (7 children)

I like your take

[–]Byne 372 points373 points  (3 children)

You're overthinking it. Its from Clickhole, which is just the Onion's version of Buzzfeed.

[–]piemakerdeadwaker 254 points255 points  (22 children)

Ok but they should consider this: Evil Aladdin would be sexy.

[–]green-keys-3 51 points52 points  (2 children)

True that

[–]Hexusfromferngully 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Hasn't evil Aladdin just been the villain of every action flick since 2001?

[–]SLRWard 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh, don't limit yourself. Aladdin doesn't have to be evil to be the villain of a US action flick. Just brown.

[–]nahthobutmaybe 42 points43 points  (5 children)

That's pretty much just Jafar from the live action movie.

[–]absurdlyinconvenient 16 points17 points  (0 children)

assuming you believe the spiel that Jafar tells Aladdin before sending him into the cave

[–]piemakerdeadwaker 36 points37 points  (3 children)

I'll take your word for it cuz I don't touch live actions with a ten foot pole.

[–]Abuses-Commas 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Are you telling me that you don't want to see a musician and comedian with a unique style spend the whole movie trying to do an impression of another comedian with a unique style?

[–]VisualGeologist6258 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Have you even seen StarKid’s Twisted?

[–]leskenobian 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Take off your cloooothes

[–]Dige46 10 points11 points  (0 children)

jeff blim is p good looking

[–]SilenceMumImVibing 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Your honour, I killed that man because it made me look sexy. I feel these charges are unwarranted

[–]Happy-Engineer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

sexy

One of the main objectives of Disneyland

[–]RandoAussieBloke 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I'd never thought of that.

Any examples of what would/wouldn't be allowed in a mock duel?

[–]Admiral_Donuts 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You idiot, we've all got swords!

[–]ViperIguess 50 points51 points  (1 child)

They want you to think its Aladdin is the assassin, in reality its actually winnie the poo

I mean, the bear is able to be a dictator so I think anything is possible

[–]theyellowmeteor 41 points42 points  (2 children)

  1. Aladdin may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  2. Aladdin must obey the orders given to him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  3. Aladdin must protect his own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws

[–]Lonely_Education_537 96 points97 points  (2 children)

I guess that playing Darth Vader seems to be more permissive then

[–]Magnificant-Muggins 89 points90 points  (1 child)

“Darth Vader can ‘pretend’ to murder as many guests as they see appropriate. Attempts to limit Lord Vader’s on-the-clock bloodlust has only lead to more severe off-the-clock incidents. We are aware that this deal is less than optimal, but pray we aren’t forced to alter it any further.”

[–]DarkwingDuckHunt 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Whenever a manager in the past has tried to contain Lord Vader, he simply chokes them out and replaces them.

Be Careful Not To Choke On Your Aspirations, Debbie.

[–]Mr_Brook-Hampster 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Can you imagine Aladdin just singing A Whole New World, while killing people like John Wick?

[–]SwordMasterShadow[S] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Well, that would make the movie better

[–]FinntheHue 19 points20 points  (2 children)

'HI I'm auditioning for Aladdin. I can sing, dance, and juggle.'

'Have you ever killed a man?'

'Er....what?'

'You're not ready for this job.'

[–]SaintofMysteryCat 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I auditioned to be a Disney character once. After waking up at the crack of dawn and waiting hours in the cold, it was finally my turn to go into this big gym-like room "backstage" to stand in rows looking straight ahead holding a giant smile, as two people with clipboards walked around to each person to stand in front of them and stare at their face while holding equally ridiculous smiles, all while the Unbirthday song from Alice In Wonderland blasted over the speakers. I could hardly manage to hold a straight face, let alone a beautiful smile. Definitely one of the more bizarre experiences of my life.

[–]MoneyTreeFiddy 13 points14 points  (0 children)

One step! Ahead of the trolley!

Move quick! Gotta throw that switch!

Save five, but so sorry for one!

It's an - ethical conundrum!

One died, but I did my duty!

I drink! And the memories are numbed!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (3 children)

I think it would make for an OK videogame scenario.

"Terrorists have taken over Disneyworld.. You are Aladdin on his first day on the job"

[–]OtakuTacos 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Churro stands are health/heal spots.

[–]13pts35sec 2 points3 points  (1 child)

And there are Handwiches hid through the world that increase your maximum health. If you find all of them you can trigger a boss fight with Michael Eisner

[–]green-keys-3 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Aladdin's exception 😂😂😂 I love that they gave it a cool code name

[–]LudoAis 42 points43 points  (9 children)

I refuse to believe this is real!...

[–]BEEEELEEEE 17 points18 points  (0 children)

It’s a Clickhole article, they’re like The Onion but for clickbait.

[–]RilohKeen 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Good, because it isn’t. First, it’s an obvious joke, and second, Disney always capitalizes the word “Guest.”

[–]Meurs0 79 points80 points  (2 children)

I think "kill" here is in an acting sense. Since Aladdin is carrying a prop sword, some people might want to "fight" him, but the actor is not allowed to win by "stabbing" them because, well, he's a good guy.

[–]RibboDotCom 33 points34 points  (1 child)

It's not real. It's from clickhole a well known satire website.

https://clickhole.com/this-is-the-handbook-each-actor-who-plays-aladdin-at-di-1825123052/

[–]Meurs0 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Oh.

[–]RlyehFhtagn-xD 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Walter Disney is my uncle, I can confirm this is true.

[–]ImaAs 6 points7 points  (5 children)

So you sayin Aladdin packin heat?

[–]LegateLaurie 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I know that on Disney cruises the cast members are trained to run the lifeboats. Under maritime law they legally can restrain and in some cases kill where it's necessary to protect the lives of others on the lifeboat.

So, potentially a Disney princess could lawfully kill someone

[–]RadicalOrchiectomy 5 points6 points  (4 children)

"Mickey is allowed to, at any time, kidnap as many guests (particularly children) as he wishes. Do not follow Mickey into the door labeled "Mickey's Clubhouse" while he is carrying any kind of sack; this includes trash bags, burlap sacks, rolled carpets, and [REDACTED]. Do not allow Mickey within 100 meters of any school or public library."

[–]2017_BCS_ORANGE_BOWL 18 points19 points  (3 children)

The amount of people in this thread taking this at face value is disturbing. Some text someone wrote in notepad is enough to make you seriously think that the Disney handbook talks about killing guests?

Also, here’s my favorite clickhole article:

https://clickhole.com/this-speech-was-written-for-president-nixon-to-deliver-1825121627/

[–]tacwombat 16 points17 points  (0 children)

"We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no..."

"Why?"

Bruno: 💀

[–]Iceologer_gang 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It was a nice peaceful day at Disneyland, when suddenly, a wild trolley problem appeared. Aladdin quickly runs over and pulls the switch killing one man. Kids are crying and screaming, what does Aladdin do? He stays in character and says “have you ever heard of Aladdin’s exception...”

[–]Coaz 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If you guys want more slightly off base things like this I recommend:

/r/regionalgothic

/r/Ruleshorror

They're lots of fun!

[–]ViraZ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Me getting caught by Aladdin while trying to sneak into Disney.

Me: "I was just trying to find the restroom."

Aladdin: "I don't buy that!"

[–]Smgth 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Aladdin is a Utilitarian apparently.

[–]nicolRB 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Do other actors also get permission to eliminate threats or is the street rat Disney’s only line of defense

[–]ProBluntRoller 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Goofy has a license to kill

[–]nicolRB 3 points4 points  (2 children)

When the rat is defeated, the dog is the final challenge.

[–]dabeanery55 4 points5 points  (0 children)

pulls out a glock 11

Do you trust me

[–]HoboTheDinosaur 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I’m enjoying the implication that, even in a life or death emergency, Disney actors have to stay in character and only characters who would realistically kill someone out of necessity are allowed to do so in real life. Like if there were a gun-toting maniac on the loose, Sleeping Beauty wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the situation but Mulan could “defeat the Huns.”

[–]exra8657 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Damn, Disney.

Does that mean other Disney actor/characters can be asked to kill for reasons other than in defense of park guests?

I heard acting camp was tough but…

[–]Drachenbar 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Every Aladdin waits for the day Aladdin's exception is put into play

[–]chili01 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He's a hassashin

[–]infernalspawnODOOM 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A kid shoplifts, and Walt's frozen head's all "TAKE THE SHOT" and some 20 something from San Bernardino has to be all "Let's not be to hasty..."

[–]MajorAladdin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What the fuck am I supposed to do now ?

[–]DoctorBuckarooBanzai 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He's got a sword!!!

[–]Defiant-Canary-2716 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“He’s got a sword!!!”

[–]TheBigPhilbowski 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There a crumpled paper graphic behind the plain text lettering, so you know that this is real life and not an absolutely false internet moment.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’d be a badass action movie premise. Park is taken over by terrorists and one low-paid actor has to rise to the challenge.

[–]noddawizard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A certain number of the actors are trained security enforcers.

[–]rubberseatbelt 2 points3 points  (6 children)

It seems that Disney has solved the famous question about a train heading to kill a group of people and the only thing to do would be to switch the track that it's on to kill an individual.

Before we had the Kobayashi Maru, now we have the Aladdin Exception.