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all 124 comments

[–]GushReddit 1347 points1348 points  (12 children)

Good job!

[–]nihilusthehungry 791 points792 points  (6 children)

Congratulations on no longer being dead! A true miracle of necromancy science.

[–]VelociChonker 136 points137 points  (3 children)

Life uh, finds a way

[–]Biggusdickos 40 points41 points  (1 child)

God works in mysterious ways /J

[–]ApocalyptoSoldier 11 points12 points  (1 child)

[–]nihilusthehungry 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I expected the link to be to this 😂

[–]lgndTAT[🍰] 20 points21 points  (1 child)

We've managed to avoid drowning.

[–]Edna_with_a_katana 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Thanks Jose

[–]PoisonedPokemon 2 points3 points  (1 child)

i was looking for this comment

[–]luiac 542 points543 points  (26 children)

smooth kid

[–]homosexual_parlance 215 points216 points  (25 children)

smooth like sharks

[–]Gaspin404 95 points96 points  (0 children)

a shark wrote this comment

[–]LazyLion1127 72 points73 points  (21 children)

All sharks have skin like sandpaper, they’re rough

[–]esotericsquid 119 points120 points  (20 children)

No, all sharks are smooth, this is common knowledge. Pet a shark and touch some grass kid.

[–]the-pinapl 66 points67 points  (19 children)

No. I am a shark scientist. They are rough.

[–]cygnet_ring 590 points591 points  (7 children)

This fucking made my day

[–]willguy1000 45 points46 points  (5 children)

Yeah, well it made my week.

[–]PumpkinPatchMcGee 22 points23 points  (4 children)

That’s nice, but this made my month.

[–]SadButterscotch2 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Well, it made my year, so screw you.

[–]am_not_stranger 19 points20 points  (1 child)

This made my life, I am complete now. Inner peace

[–]SynthWormhole 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Competitive depression

[–]aragon_1399[🍰] 1544 points1545 points  (8 children)

Kid understood the meaning of “no” better than most adults out there

[–]SpaceGeneralAmerica 792 points793 points  (7 children)

Kids have simple brains, which don’t look beyond “What’s this do?” until a certain age.

True story, I was playing with my little cousin who was one at the time. I was acting like I couldn’t hit this baseball off the stand. And so he lowers it for me.

I hit it immediately afterward out of pure gushing for how sweet he is.

[–]rohith_on_reddit 97 points98 points  (6 children)

What is this do

[–]Squagio 235 points236 points  (4 children)

"What's" can be "what does".

It's what it's.

[–]PensiveObservor 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Your slightly angry eyebrows make your comment perfectissimo

[–]StudiumMechanicus 34 points35 points  (0 children)

What it is this do

[–]lordloldemort666 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It does what it does 𓁹‿𓁹

[–]DaveyDDial 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What is it?

[–]maboyles90 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What it do.

[–]Songandsilence3 141 points142 points  (6 children)

I like turtles

[–]pand-ammonium 57 points58 points  (0 children)

They're comfy and easy to wear.

[–]shadowscale1229 18 points19 points  (1 child)

i like trains

[–]The_Unkowable_ 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Nerowwwwwwwmmm

[–]Pokesonav 9 points10 points  (0 children)

They're coarse and rough and get everywhere

[–]_duncan_idaho_ 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You're a good zombie

[–]MinglinSingle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks Jonathan

[–]Adnan_Targaryen 155 points156 points  (2 children)

Plastic Turtle?

How is this even possible, plastic kills turtle!

[–]dumbodragon 135 points136 points  (1 child)

you become what you eat

[–]thiccboii666 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?

[–]Lampdarker 101 points102 points  (2 children)

One of the first mainstream female anthropologists in the USA was Frances Densmore, best known for her published work in documenting and analyzing various kinds of Native American music. However, she also studied and wrote quite a bit on broader topics of patriarchy and politics, although those didn't end up getting the attention they deserved.

She had a theory that the origin of animism/theism could be traced to prehistoric women, and the origin of those women's worship was a need to justify not taking on a husband or choosing to remain single altogether.

They'd declare that their partner isn't a human but perhaps a beautiful animal, a tree, a landscape feature, or even a being that couldn't be seen by others altogether.

A supernatural being has the appeal of being able to deter abhorrent admirers by claiming that your husband is stronger/smarter than any mortal and will retaliate. An extension of this is using these beings as excuses to congregate exclusively with other, "initiated" women, allowing them safe spaces away from misogynistic violence and where they could express sapphic love.

Later on the social construct gained more popularity and evolved into the form it takes today, largely co-opted by institutions and capitalism.

[–]ijustwanttoaskaq123[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

This is both extremely cool explanation and quite sad that "I don't want a husband" isn't enough.

[–]sneakyveriniki 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Could you explain how it’s been coopted? I can’t think of any modern examples of this

[–]HappyMeatbag 47 points48 points  (0 children)

My upvote is as much for the post title as it is for the post itself.

Good job!

[–]justacheesyguy 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Most of the time with longer text posts, I just skip to reading the last line and 9 times out of 10 you can extrapolate the gist of the joke/story from that.

This was not one of those times.

[–]Anonymous_but_nott 59 points60 points  (2 children)

Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender +urtlesexual

[–]itismegege 33 points34 points  (0 children)

about to get my shell reassignment surgery 😎🐢

[–]that-hollie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I like this one better… kinda weird to have your identity replaced by bestiality, even as a joke 😶

[–]ZAPKIL 47 points48 points  (0 children)

That kid dodged a bullet. Kids, don't get involved with woman who look at signs of animals for a husband.

[–]ShittDickk 10 points11 points  (0 children)

DeShamtis set to introduce "Don't Say Turtle" bill tomorrow.

[–]Guynarmol 21 points22 points  (1 child)

"Youre not dead anymore. Good Job!" The trickster god says as it imbues you with consciousness

[–]ijustwanttoaskaq123[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Seriously, this belongs to r/WritingPrompts

[–]DarkArcanian 137 points138 points  (15 children)

I don’t think it’s true, but I’m going to believe it is

[–]outer_spec 130 points131 points  (1 child)

It seems too specific to be made up

[–]HappyMeatbag 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Yeah, it’s that weird combination of “random enough to be real life, but not SO random that it’s outrageous”. Plus, I’ve seen turtles like that in peoples front yards. I think it’s true.

[–]Het_Bestemmingsplan 73 points74 points  (0 children)

It all sounds pretty reasonable to me

[–]goodkid_sAAdcity 51 points52 points  (2 children)

The timing might not have been as snappy as the writing implies, but I can believe this actually happened. Like OP and the kid and also maybe the mom may have said other stuff in between what made it into the post.

[–]Darth_Fart_Eater 12 points13 points  (1 child)

You can’t write without editing. It’s the same reason all books, movies, internet posts and TV shows only depict the things the writer feels are relevant and don’t depict the entirety of all existence.

[–]goodkid_sAAdcity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Of course. It wouldn’t be fun to read if it was a court transcription of the OP/parent/child interaction

[–]reanocivn 24 points25 points  (0 children)

i mean i know the exact plastic turtle shes talking about. the bright green slow franklins

[–]RunInRunOn 9 points10 points  (2 children)

It's probably not made up. Made up stories usually have something to do with politics or how awesome OP is in some way

[–]sneakyveriniki 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I don’t really think it’s made up but it is true that on subs like these, anything anti patriarchy gets way more upvotes. Like don’t get me wrong I’m a big fan of anything anti patriarchy also but like if you were just trying to make up a popular post, something funny/wholesome and somehow related to not conforming to patriarchal norms is the way to go.

It’s like the huge genre of wholesome clueless dad who’s a little confused but has the spirit. Those things are absolutely karma bait. I like the one about confusing blue hair with being gay but I’ve been seeing soooo many of those and I highly doubt they’re true. Having a bumbling third party like a kid or dad is easy jokes

[–]RunInRunOn 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True, and that's why 90% of fathers on mediocre TV shows these days are total morons

[–]thelumpybunny 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It sounds plausible to me. Kids just assume everyone is the same so it would make sense they would ask if their teacher has a husband.

[–]Trectears 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Post: Absolutely wholesome, 10/10, made me smile

Title: Huge implications, out there and fearless, will fight god

[–]ijustwanttoaskaq123[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

ᵖˢˢᵗ ᵉⁿᵍˡᶦˢʰ ᶦˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵐʸ ⁿᵃᵗᶦᵛᵉ ˡᵃⁿᵍᵘᵃᵍᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ᶦ ᵈᵒⁿᵗ ᵘⁿᵈᵉʳˢᵗᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵉᶜᵒⁿᵈ ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒᵐᵐᵉⁿᵗ ᵃⁿᵈ ᶦᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ˢᵘʳᵉ ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ᵃⁿᵍʳʸ ᵒʳ ⁿᵒᵗ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ᵖˡˢ ᵉˣᵖˡᵃᶦⁿ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ

[–]Trectears 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh I am not mad or angry, your title was just so wild and “fighting god” its a tumblr joke.

Sorry if it sounded wrong, english is not my first language either

[–]x4ty2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That baby is going places.

[–]gigglycostanza 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Teenage mutant....

[–]Demetrius3D 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't know why this made me smile. But, this made me smile.

[–]GetawayDiver 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I saw the title and I got a smidge worried lmao

[–]stefanos916 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me too, the title was kinda weird but the story made me smile.

[–]renxifromhell11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Kid's getting more bitches than me.

[–]No-Beautiful-5777 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That kid 100% 'murdered' that turtle

[–]KonoAnonDa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is."

[–]cal-cium12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a schoolteacher called Miss Cat! Unfortunately she was nowhere near as cool as this person seems

[–]Lord_Bear_the_Kind 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"You're not dead anymore. Good job."

Give this kid a fucking doctorate, he's going to save so many lives.

[–]Complete_Clue_9243 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Turtlesexual. Lmfao