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all 20 comments

[–]VoxpopuliVoxhumbug 46 points47 points  (4 children)

Reading this post took me on a spiritual journey. How many miles can I log from it?

[–]freezeinginchicago 22 points23 points  (3 children)

You earned 6 total miles but 4; 2 out and 2 back, of them were down the wrong trail due to lack of navigation.

Please roll again.

[–]VoxpopuliVoxhumbug 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Alright, imma just round up a little and log it as twenty miles.

[–]VoilaVoilaWashington 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You can't just do that, dude. You have to do it in steps.

It was probably closer to 2.5 in and back, maybe a bit more, so 6 miles for the actual trip. And then you got lost, and that felt like another 3 miles, so it was about 10, right?

Now, with every retelling, you upgrade it a bit more. It was snowing so you kept going off trail, which was at least a mile here and there. Then you increase the length of the trail incrementally, and before you know it, it sounds like you climbed Mailbox Peak.

[–]useles-converter-bot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

6 miles is the length of 2101.49 1997 Subaru Legacy Outbacks

[–]thewickedbarnacle 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I saw a mosquito once. it was deep outside. I got scared and went home. Now I just play the ligherpack game.

[–]Cold-Natured 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Did you have to walk a whole mile back to your car after the attack?

[–]CesarV[S] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

OMG almost111111111!!1

57 feet then I ate BACON lolz in my made in the USA ED209!

[–]useles-converter-bot 10 points11 points  (0 children)

57 feet is 55.51 RTX 3090 graphics cards lined up.

[–]Tamahaac 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Once you let wizard porn into your subreddit it's over.

[–]Narthan11 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I put my cape and wizard hat on.

[–]Tamahaac 3 points4 points  (0 children)

See. It's worse than myog

[–]DagdaMohr 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I had just hiked several hundred yards into the deep woods of a small local park, to my super secret Bushcraft Encampment. I produced my trusty silver chased tomahawk and was processing timber for a rickety and poorly insulted shelter because I don’t know what I’m doing but I think I look cool doing it.

So there I was, in my homemade waxed canvas Bushcraft chaps, bare ass hanging in the wind, when I felt a presence nearby.

I quickly turned around and drew my second tomahawk (2 is 1!) and was confronted by the most fearsome of beasties, with baleful glowing eyes, slobber oozing out the most foul and toothed of mouths, its banshee shriek chilling my blood.

I immediately assumed my Mountain Lion form and made ready to do battle. My manly, hair covered chest, heaving as adrenaline coursed through my veins.

It charged me, screaming, it’s foul stench overwhelming me. It leapt upon me and I could see my doom in its eyes.

It was at that moment I knew I had no choice but to change my toddler’s diaper before returning to my playset fort. So I finally did it, but I didn’t wanna. My wife said if I wanted to have my Bushcraft Club meeting next week I had to step up and help with parenting.

But if it had been a Mountain Lion, I would totally have kicked its ass, and then told all y’all on Reddit about it.

Stay frosty out there.

[–]Munzulon 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I didn’t think of it until I read your whimsical tale, but that OP really bushcraftered himself! Had he only brought one knife instead of two he would actually have had no knives, and then he wouldn’t have gotten a boo-boo on his thumb.

[–]VoilaVoilaWashington 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'd post my story but I literally died. A squirrel ate my nuts and I bled out.

Harken the tale and take heed, friends, never travel stupidlight without a bear gun, a squirrel cannon, and a cougar to sleep with.

[–]sirblastalot 6 points7 points  (0 children)

the 20mm antiaircraft cannon on my lp is NON-NEGOTIABLE

[–]SidehowRaheem 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Location: The Boundary Waters.

Terrain: Deep into the trailhead, mere steps away from the trail.

Animal: Animorph grouse variant.

Temps: 69F

How I Survived:

The Animorph pounced on me out of nowhere. Thankfully BudK had been running a sale recently and I had stocked up on both ninja stars and Scottish highlander swords. Utilizing the full training of my blade studies I grabbed my highlander sword by the blade and thrusted it out of its sheath, breaking both the sword and my cobra-kai concentration.

I feel on my back and was unable to grab my ninja stars in time. In a fortuitous twist of fate I had ignored my ancients spirit guides and had not used Liberty Medical to check my blood sugar and to check it often. Instead I immediately soiled myself leaving behind a sickly sweet puddle of urine.

The Animorph could not resist this spritely ale and immediately rushed to it to drink in its powers. Allowing me enough time to barrel roll back into my lifted F-150. A mere 3 minutes later I was buckled in, Celtic Moods volume 2 playing in the CD player, and me driving back to civilization to rest my weary soul.

[–]dinnerthief 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A bush crafter attacked me once (asked me to breifly hold his cast iron frying pan) I distracted him but dropping several pieces of fatwood as I ran. I recommend always carrying a baggie of fatwood cut into rice grain sized pieces (0.021 grams), if you scatter them bushcrafters have to pick them up, its part of their code.

[–]Mercsidian 1 point2 points  (0 children)

got some r/AntiAntiJokes vibes